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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give her £5

77 replies

FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 11:31

DSD says she needs new underwear and has seen a pack for £4 and asked me to transfer her £5.

Problem is, DH and I are skint. I have £193 to last us till the 27th (payday) and that has to cover petrol and food for the 4 of us - me, DH, DSD and DD (though it's 5 really as DSD's boyfriend eats at our house nearly every bloody night!). DH has very little money left after his bills and the rent are paid, he'll do a food shop or put some petrol in the car and then my leftover wages cover food and petrol for the rest of the month.

I've told DSD I can't afford to give her any money, and told her that she really should be finding a part-time job as she only does 2 days a week at college (she's 17).

I feel mean as it's only a fiver, but I've already shelled out £20+ for makeup and bits for her this month. At her age I had a job and bought nearly all my own clothes, make-up and luxuries.

Money is extremely tight at the moment as we're paying back some massive overpayments from tax credits and housing benefit that's another thread entirely but our situation will hopefully be better this time next year.

I should also point out that she is in no way short of clothes! Her drawers are overflowing, so she isn't desperate for underwear. (she also isn't trying very hard to find a job...

AIBU?

OP posts:
viques · 06/10/2017 11:52

If she has lots of good stuff festering in drawers why not set up an eBay account ( have to be in your name as she is under 18) to sell stuff she no longer needs. She won't make a fortune but a) it will help her sort her stuff b) stop her lobbing good things into landfill c) get her a bit of cash . I second the get a job as well, even if she can't get a paid job in a shop or cafe or supermarketshe could do baby sitting. lots of larger shops are advertising for Christmas staff ATM, she needs to get an application in fast.

I would also stop including the bf in family meals, ask him to come round later after you have eaten (I am assuming that he stil lives at home and has a family providing for him)

thereallochnessmonster · 06/10/2017 11:53

Don't let her boyfriend eat at yours all the time. If he is, ask your dd to buy and cook a meal for you all every week. And, yes, your dd should get a job! What's she doing with the other 5 days of the week??

StaplesCorner · 06/10/2017 11:56

All sounds fair, as long as its not a necessity, you need to review the rules with your DH.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 11:59

If she doesn’t need the knickers, of course YANBU. And even if she really really did, food and bills come first. She could wash her x number of pairs through until after your pay day for example... or wear period stained ones for a couple of weeks. She’s not going to melt from stains.

Time for a sit down and a serious chat about affordability. I do think that an allowance would be the best way forward and then she can learn to budget. Or try very hard to get a job to accommodate the lifestyle she seems to want to live.

cestlavielife · 06/10/2017 12:01

have her and her bf run a car boot sale

have her apply for xmas jobs eg argos www.mirror.co.uk/money/argos-already-hiring-christmas-its-11130767

decide set amount you/dh give her she has to manage on that. dont buy extras but give her sufficient
dont feed her bf

Autumnleaves7 · 06/10/2017 12:02

yes, allowance, no to this request, give her some motivation to find a job. Another one who's parents didn't buy them any clothes after age 16 (they were very hard up, I had a Fri/Sat night job whilst doing A levels).

buckeejit · 06/10/2017 12:03

YANBU!

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 06/10/2017 12:06

I've tried to hide our money worries from her as she suffers from anxiety and depression (undiagnosed, currently trying to get her seen by someone) so I didn't want to add to her stress by telling her just how bad things are with our finances. Our finances aren't her fault are they.

She does need to get a job, but she struggles because of her mental health and I think that's why she's been dragging her feet and hasn't found anything yet.

OP posts:
viques · 06/10/2017 12:07

she is very cheeky asking for a fiver when the pants only cost £4!

RhiannonOHara · 06/10/2017 12:10

Her BF doesn't work either. I'm going to have to put a stop to feeding them both nearly every night, it's just not sustainable.

Well, yes.

Stop the freeloading BF coming round for starters.
Tell her she has to get a job to contribute to her keep and she can't have both food and lodging, and new underwear when she fancies it, on your dollar.

Having said all that, where is your DH in all this?

cathf · 06/10/2017 12:11

Do any of the posters on here actually have teens?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 12:13

Like Autumn my mother never bought me clothes post 16. I earnt money on a Saturday job, worked there during holidays as much as possible and she gave me some money weekly.

Im mid 40’s. I had very few clothes as a child. I was only ever bought one bra by my mother, which I had until 16 and then with my earnings, I bought myself two underwired, balcony bras, which I loved. It was appalling and I’m not saying your dsd should live through this but the entitlement these days is striking and I’m not surprised you were upset about her throwing her dressing gown in the bin.

CoolCarrie · 06/10/2017 12:14

She has a cheek and YANBU. The fact that she threw away something in such a high handed manner shows she has no real respect for money. She needs to get a job & get the boyfriend to contribute as well.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 06/10/2017 12:15

Are you sure it's for pants? It's sounds odd that she says she has "seen a pack for £4". Not sure why but that just sounds very peculiar to me. I may be wrong.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 12:16

No I don’t cathf. Why is that relevant?

I have friends and relations with older and adult children. I do see how parenting works to a certain extent for 17 yos. And have my own views.

CoolCarrie · 06/10/2017 12:16

Rhiannon if you read the thread op's husband is putting his money into the pot already.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/10/2017 12:22

No, YANBU at all. You sound like you're a lovely stepmum, and as a result she is... taking the piss. You need to sit down with her and explain that she needs to contribute at that age, mental health issue or not. And tell her BF to eat at home before he comes over to your house!

Chocolatecake12 · 06/10/2017 12:22

Definitely sit her down and have a chat with her. She does need to work a part time job so maybe she needs support in filling in an application form and some interview techniques.
You cannot keep giving her money for non essentials. So decide on a monthly allowance and what she should use it for and what you will continue to pay for.
Tell her that her bf can have dinner with you twice a week max, and do cheap filling meals on those days. Pasta etc

She is 17 now so cannot be shielded from lifes finances for ever. She needs to learn and she only has you and her dad to teach her.

yummymummy1988 · 06/10/2017 12:24

I could be wrong as I was at college 10 years ago but if the parents earn under a certain amount and they are 16-18 and still in full time education do they not get money anymore? I wish I could remember what it was called, but I used to get money in my bank for going to college and my Dad was on a good wage so I imagine she would be entitled to it? Education maintenance allowance I think it was called??
I didn't get a job until I left college I just got by on that (and my parents) but it didn't really teach me the value of money and to this day I'm very frivolous with money. If she literally has no underwear then it is a need, if she has just seen a pack that is pretty then just say you chose make up over them this month.

SlothMama · 06/10/2017 12:26

YANBU She's old enough to have a part time job to pay for her own stuff and you can ask her to stop inviting her boyfriend round for food so often if you can't afford it

ALittleMop · 06/10/2017 12:30

I think you should:
Make sure you can afford to give her a small allowance - rather than buying her stuff - say £15/20 whatever you can afford per month
Follow up with her mum re her doing the same.
Tell her the truth about the financial situation. You're managing, but it's tight. You can help her budget, and you can support her to find and keep a job. I think concealing your money worries from her will backfire wrt anxiety.

ALittleMop · 06/10/2017 12:32

and yy to a clear out and selling stuff

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 12:33

You're not being unreasonable. Also, there's no need DSD's boyfriend to eat at your house every night. Why is he there so often?

I think her father, you and she need to have a conversation that addresses the points because you can manage the necessities but anything over and above is causing you stress. DSD seems oblivious and a bit selfish.

Sweetfa22 · 06/10/2017 12:33

I've got teenagers and kids under 8. When our boys were 16 they were actively encouraged to find part time jobs to buy their own luxuries. As long as they stayed at school then we supported them financially. They both chose, against our wishes, to leave school at 16 and that's when we stopped funding them. We'd buy toiletries and essentials, they lived with us rent free and we fed them, but if they asked us to give them money we'd make them work for it. And OMG teenagers can put away some amount of food!!! You need to let the bf know that you're not a halfway house and can't afford to feed him every night. And funnily enough it seems every teenager just now has anxiety and stress about life and is unable to work. My heart goes out to those who are genuinely suffering but for pity's sake most just need a bloody good shake!!

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/10/2017 12:35

Stop feeding her boyfriend every night. Say he is welcome round after he has already eaten at his house or perhaps she could go there half the week and that way in effect you'd be feeding one of them rather than both if it was split 50/50 with his parents.

That would save more than £4 needed for the undies. If she doesn't need the underwear don't get it but are you sure she doesn't?

Has she put on or lost weight recently given her MH state?
Maybe she has put weight on (comfort eating) and is embarrassed to say they are a bit too tight.