To think it's rude to ask a stranger what their parents jobs are?

[Terfing]

I've had this a few times and it has always wound me up. I'm a phd student, so work in academic circles. At two conferences recently, I have been asked this by strangers! And it is always by people whose parents have "high-up" jobs.

AIBU to think that you shouldn't judge one on their dad's job?

I get that if you were building a friendship, then this would naturally come up; but asking a stranger? No!

By the way, I am in no way embarrassed about my dad and what he does for a living! He was a retail store manager, a decent profession by all means!

BTW, fuck the Daily Mail! (To stop them lifting this thread!)

I get this at work, usually from middle aged or older men who seem to have difficulty fathoming that a "young" woman knows about such things as technology and gadgetry. It's patronising but not rude imo.

I've occasionally been asked by other women (usually friends of friends) what DH does. As though I'm defined by his career rather than the fact that I have studied and worked hard in my own career.

Many people are snobs. There are occasions where it's appropriate to ask, but many where it isn't appropriate but people still do.

When an elderly Uncle asked DS1 when he was younger "and what does your Daddy do?" he replied "I don't know, it's boring, Mummy works with money though and that's what I want to do" (I underwrote mortgages for a high street lender) and I loved that even a 5 year old could see through the misogyny of only caring about the man's job.

I draw a distinction between what friends talk about (in which case asking what your parents do/did, what your DP does, etc. would be something in the normal course of conversation), and complete strangers asking questions that have nothing to do with whatever is going on.

E.g.
At a conference, OP delivers an amazing lecture about tacos. Someone comes up afterwards, "Oh, that lecture was great. Are you a PhD student?"
OP "Yes, my specialist subject is XYZ"
Complete stranger, "That's nice. What does your Dad do?"

Before the conference, OP is talking to a friend. "I'm a bit nervous about giving this lecture."
Friend: "But you know your subject inside out"
OP: "Yes but it's public speaking."
Friend: "Did you ever do any school plays? What about your parents, did they ever do anything where they had to speak in public?"

Interestingly I have an English friend who now lives in rural Ireland and she struggles with the fact that nobody cares about her job or her husband's job. All anyone wants to know is who she's related to and as she's 'foreign' she doesn't fit anywhere. She said she didn't realise how much she relied on the cachet of her high-flying job until it became irrelevant.

Whilst I agree that it may not be something people want to discuss there is a technique that people use when they want to get conversation going, the FORD technique: Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. They're supposed to be good topics to ask about. Maybe that's why they were asking about your parents jobs? (If you're giving them the benefit of the doubt)

Or maybe they're just rude

To me, it’s simply irrelevant and I’d wonder why whey wanted to know tbh. But then, I’ve never liked being asked personal questions by people I don’t know well. My MIL was very much like this the first time I met her and she still does it.

I can never help myself from taking the piss when asked stuff like this, so end up saying one of the following (all of which are real jobs, just nothing to do with me or any of my relatives):

chick sexer
dendrochronologist
tree surgeon
imagineer
back end manager

Is a back end manager to do with a pantomime horse?

Asking your parents job unless they know you well is rather odd.

Some comments about not asking questions at all though or asking people what they do- how do you get to know people? I talk about work with my friends and finding out their job is the first part of that surely?

And taking of back end managers when discussing DH's job I find myself saying that he focuses on the front end but does have an understanding of the back end so he can dip in and out when needs be. It ends in lots of giggles 😂 (This is with people that actually know what his job is though)

It is incredibly rude to ask what anyone does for a living unless it cones up in conversation. It's a shame that their parents weren't 'high up' enough to teach their children basic manners.

We discussed politics in my class at business school. I told them something funny my dad had said about the subject and didn't want to steal his joke so I told them where I got it from. My teacher then asked what my dad did for a living. I was ok with that, but I was not ok with his facial expression after I told him my dad was a male nurse. FYI my dad is from a southern European country and was extremely poor growing up. He lived through two serious food shortages and I think it is bloody well done that he ended up getting an education in a foreign country in a foreign language and being a civil servant with a good pension. I snottily told my teacher that my dad can make himself understood in 6 languages and asked him how many he (the teacher) could speak. He was British, so the answer was 2. The teacher apologized but after that my snobbish fellow students knew that I was proud of my dad and never again tried to shame me for not coming from a rich family.

It is incredibly rude to ask what anyone does for a living unless it cones up in conversation

It's a basic ice breaker / social chitchat - ie 'what do you do?' - parents occupation, less so

'It's a basic ice breaker / social chitchat - ie 'what do you do?' - parents occupation, less so'

It's an ice breaker in the UK but if you asked that question in Ireland you'd be considered a bit weird.

Yay! Glad I'm not alone with thinking this.

I appreciate that some posters are giving the askers the benefit of the doubt, but whenever I've had this question it has clearly been by people trying to place me and my background, which is rude I think.

I like some of the suggested responses too! 'Back-end manager'!

YANBU. When I was younger I'd sometimes get asked this by people I'd just met. My father was an unemployed alcoholic so I used to make something up and quickly ask them what their parents jobs were so they wouldn't ask for details.
I wish I'd been confident enough to ask them why they wanted to know.
I'd say it now, but no one asks .

I'm ashamed to say that I always used to get embarrassed when I was asked what my parents/brothers/sisters did.

My dad was a cab driver, brother was a security guard and sisters worked in shops until they became SAHMs.

Where I work now is full of people who went to private school and many went to Oxbridge. People don't ask me what my parents do anymore, but I still feel like a misfit, even though I have a great job and do it as well as the others. I know I have no reason to feel inferior but old habits die hard.

You haven't given enough information to be able to decide whether these questions are inappropriate or not.

I've been asked this before and even though I agree its a prying, unnecessary question, I am generally happy to answer because both my parents had impressive careers which I secretly enjoy talking about.

On the other hand, I've also been asked by relative strangers what dh does - before being asked what I do myself! Now that rankles!