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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty

58 replies

Getreadyforit · 06/10/2017 08:23

Prepared to be unreasonable but I'm a bit annoyed. We are on a constant budget right now. This is relevant.

Dd Spots my money on the side which was to pay a bill. My only money in the house right now.

Dd: Can I have money I've not had breakfast.

Me: You should have got some. We have things in.

Dd: I've not got time and I'm out a long day today.

Me: Well you will have to take money from that then and I'll get some more but you need to make time to eat, we have stuff in. She has long days so needs breakfast.

An hour later rings me from a coffee shop having bought no food just coffee.
Lies that she thought I had heard her say coffee
Lies that she tried to get food but didn't have enough (school and the two places near school both do proper food for less than what she had.

Only a small amount but I'd love a fancy bloody coffee and haven't got money to waste on one.

She's now moaning that in me moaning at her she's forgot to connect to WiFi which is clearly the only reason why she went to the bloody cafe and has used all her data watching YouTube.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 06/10/2017 09:08

ps sometimes I just put hot water in the Thermos and give DD a sachet of cuppa soup or one of those hot choc sachets where you just add water. I guess she could also use to add to a bowl of porridge once at school? (hot water in flask is also easier for cleaning).
She sounds like my DD - it's all systems go in the mornings to make sure she catches the bus and any dilly dallying is disastrous!! Incidentally, a big milky coffee could possibly have been more filling and maybe healthier than some of the options that she might otherwise have chosen?

Butterymuffin · 06/10/2017 09:09

She could probably get some homework done in the 40 minutes and save her data..

As a pp said, next time just say no, it's bill money so no one spends it. Stock up on some cereal bars when you can so she has no excuse for pulling this again.

Shadow666 · 06/10/2017 09:09

I don't think there's any need to punish her. She played you OP but she still ended up going without breakfast so there's a natural consequence. Don't fall for it again.

I wouldn't personally give porridge as a packed lunch. It's pretty grim.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/10/2017 09:12
highinthesky · 06/10/2017 09:12

Wake her up 20 minutes early on Monday and supervise her having breakfast. She’ll get the message fast.

Then in the evening, you must talk to her about your current finances position. Illustrate how expensive a coffee can be if you’re paying debt interest on it. It’s going to be tough when she sees her peers apparently spending with abandon, but it’s also a very useful life lesson.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2017 09:13

She sounds like most 14 year olds that i have known tbh they live in their own bubble of mememe, you need to rein her in a bit though help her to be more organised withher own money and once it has gone it's gone her money is for coffee out not your money for bills

Caulkheadupnorf · 06/10/2017 09:17

What usually happens in the mornings? You say she saw the money and then asked, I wonder what either you thought she had done or she would have done if she hadn’t seen the money

dangermouseisace · 06/10/2017 09:18

You're not being petty, really should have stuck to your guns.
I buy in those pre-packaged pain au chocolat's/brioche rolls. Or wraps, as they are quite long life (stick banana inside, roll up- banana wrap!), can put nutella in etc. Sorry chocolate breakfast is a bit of a thing in our house.

Your daughter, as others have said, needs to learn that coffees/easting out etc are a luxury not a necessity.

FWIW I used to get to school ridiculously early due to buses. There are other ways to use the time rather than sit in a cafe!

Original poster
Getreadyforit · 06/10/2017 09:20

Hotel, school are massively helpful and let her in early now, she's there before most teachers but she has access to the school library and can do her homework, mostly she sits and chats with a couple of reception staff or the school technician.

It's not ideal but it was the closest place with space.

OP posts:
SwissChristmasMuseum · 06/10/2017 09:22

14 is still young. Isn't it nice to help them out a bit at that age? I'd make her something to eat on the way, at least, for during her waiting time.

Shadow666 · 06/10/2017 09:25

Poridge is grim at lunchtime?

Four-hour-old porridge is.

Original poster
Getreadyforit · 06/10/2017 09:29

Yeah I will have to buy grab and go stuff to keep in. I hate wasting money on that kind of stuff though when I can get Porridge that will feed us both for the same price but if she is going to pull this kind of stunt.

Usually i insist she has breakfast before she goes Caulk. I thought she had and as she announced in the madness of getting through the door with minutes to spare for the bus I didn't have much time to argue.

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 06/10/2017 09:34

If she can't get herself together enough to get breakfast, tough shit. She's taking the piss and I would be having a very serious chat with her later. She'll say you're overreacting, I am sure.

dangermouseisace · 06/10/2017 09:36

I used to hate spending money on the grab and go stuff too, and despising all that extra packaging but it ends up being worthwhile IYSWIM.

Caulkheadupnorf · 06/10/2017 09:42

Beware buying different stuff in - if ir was me as a teen, I would continually choose to “forget” to eat porridge for breakfast if I knew I could have something else prepackaged or have money for coffee...

StigmaStyle · 06/10/2017 09:43

At some point they have to learn that money doesn't work like that. You can't just forget to have breakfast so just go to a cafe once the reality of (most people's) adult working life kicks in.

I'd give her an allowance per week or month and if she wants to spend it on cafes she can. If it's all gone and she wants to skip breakfast and then beg for money, I'd have things like cereal bars in and hand her one. She was lying to you that it was for food, so give her food.

It's not mean or petty, it's just budgeting.

chocatoo · 06/10/2017 09:48

OP I don't know why I'm so invested in this thread, perhaps because your house sounds a bit like ours! Having read some more of your comments I think that at 14 you probably need to have a tighter hold on what stage she's at in that crucial 20mins before the bus. At a certain point in our house I realise that bfast here is not going to happen so I start working on wrapping something in foil, etc. Only having bread that you have to bake (whilst delicious!) isn't ideal...sliced bread in the freezer defrosts as it toasts...

RB68 · 06/10/2017 09:48

The answer is no and stick to it - its bill money. SHe has an allowance if she spends it she needs to learn that is the end of it

guilty100 · 06/10/2017 09:50

I would sit her down and explain the realities of the household budget to her. Explain your incomings and your outgoings, and the cost of her activities. Describe how you go without to make sure she can do things. Use figures. Then show her how every coffee matters.

Perhaps treating her like a responsible adult will bring out a more responsible and adult side. I think sometimes we expect kids just to 'get' that sacrifices are being made for them, without actually showing them that this is the case. They live in a world where they take care and love as given - perhaps showing them the cost of those things is important.

Mumsnut · 06/10/2017 09:57

I guess the cfoffee is an excuse to sit in the nice warm cafe rather than hang about outside school or whatever. What's the cheapest thing they sell?

C8H10N4O2 · 06/10/2017 10:07

She's now moaning that in me moaning at her she's forgot to connect to WiFi which is clearly the only reason why she went to the bloody cafe and has used all her data watching YouTube

Well next time she will remember to join the wifi won't she? She will need to wait for the next top up/renewal day and manage her data better. Most teenagers make this mistake a couple of times before they get into the habit of disabling data where they don't need it.

At 14 she may be mature enough to grasp challenging household budgets but not all are. Would it work to help her plan practical breakfasts for the week and organise them on Sunday or would she normally be happy with the cereal option?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/10/2017 10:32

You are NBU at all and she was wrong- but think too much telling off in these situations can sometimes have the opposite effect. To be fair, you did give her the bill money, but She did ask you for the money first and didn't just take it. So that's a positive.
Maybe have a calm chat about how she thinks the problem can be resolved.

The Thermos idea was a good one and how about making her responsible for organizing her morning snacks the night before. These can even be packed up and frozen at the weekend to save time and brought out to thaw the night before.

It must be hard hanging around for buses early on a cold morning and I bet the cafe seems inviting and full of nice stuff. Most 14 year olds would falter. It might be that she sees friends there and doesn't want to be left out. Can she look at setting up a coffee budget from her allowance so that she can have it occasionally, then she's more aware of the limits and is responsible for rationing it herself.

Original poster
Getreadyforit · 06/10/2017 10:39

Mumsnut she is allowed in school as soon as she gets there. It's only small and only a couple of years old so it's lovely and warm with comfy areas rather than the huge draughty victorian buildings we had.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/10/2017 11:11

It’s definitely worth buying some quick to eat stuff. Bread can be toasted straight from the freezer and a tub of peanut butter would last a few weeks.

I get why you’re annoyed totally. teens are thoughtless but it doesn’t sound like she does this often so I’d just make sure you had in ready to eat stuff for the future.

TheKidsAreTakingMySanity · 06/10/2017 11:24

Shut the broadband off for a while at home. When she complains, tell it's because you couldn't afford the bill and it's been suspended. You couldn't pay it because some of the bill money somehow ended up getting blown at Costa Coffee instead.

She needs to see that money wasted is money not used where it is needed. It'll eventually sink in.