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Original poster

To ask if you felt you couldn't love two children

62 replies

ItsTrueIsntIt · 05/10/2017 21:27

Sorry if this is too vague...

I have 1 Dc who is 3 (there would be at least 4.5 year age gap!!) and we are thinking of number 2 and I’m in two minds about having a second as I cant think how I could love a second the same as my dc!

My grandma had 2 and favoured the eldest and my mum had 2 and favoured the youngest and I do not want to make any child feel like they’re second best!

I don’t know how to do it!

Please someone tell me if they really strongly felt like this and if it was ok when second came along!

OP posts:
GoldenBlue · 05/10/2017 21:45

I think the people that worry about this are the least at risk of this. You are so full of love for one child you can't imagine loving another as much. But you will, because you are full of love. You will have love to spare.

We love different things in each child, marvel at their differences, glory at their individual characters, and revel in their similarities. We forgive any perceived negative traits and love them with everything we've got.

Good luck x

MrsJamesAspey · 05/10/2017 21:45

I’ve got 2 and love them both equally.

Having a favourite does not mean that you love that one more, just that maybe you find that one easier to get on with, or they know how to get round you when you say no.

My favourite can change on a monthly, weekly or even hourly basis I do usually prefer the dog though.

CoalitionOfChaos · 05/10/2017 21:50

I have a birth son and a foster son and adore and love them both equally.

beekeeper17 · 05/10/2017 21:50

This is how I feel at the minute, with only a matter of weeks until baby number 2 is due. I'll have a small age gap between the two and when I told my hv I was pregnant again, she told me that she remembered telling her mum that she'd never be able to love her second child as much as her first and her mum just laughed at her as if to say 'oh most people think that, but just you wait and you'll see.....'

And she said that of course she loved the second just as much as the first, and she laughs at herself now wondering how she could have imagined she never would.

When she told me that, I realised that's exactly how I feel, and still do. I have faith though that when baby arrives, there will be more than enough love to give to both of them, and I'll be laughing at myself for thinking this way now.

PenelopeChipShop · 05/10/2017 21:53

I felt exactly the same. In fact during my second pregnancy this was probably my primary concern - that I just couldn't feel for the poor little second born what I did for my first. I really, really needn't have worried! I adore her. It's a cliche but it's true, the new baby brings their own love. And that age gap is lovely! I have four years between mine. It has its challenges but by and large, having the second when the oldest is just about ready to start listening to you isn't a bad idea!

littlemissneela · 05/10/2017 22:01

I worried about this. Couldn't possibly imagine how you could love another child as much as your first. But you do.

Santawontbelong · 05/10/2017 22:02

I am into double figures of dc and love all of them.
And my ddogs!!

florentinasummertime · 05/10/2017 22:03

Favouritism is linked more to personalities than birth order, I think.

SendintheArdwolves · 05/10/2017 22:05

Weird isn't it....ALL parents totally swear down that they definitely don't have favourites. Yet many people who grew up with siblings can tell you that their own parents definitely did.

Where is the reality? Do children misperceive the dynamics of their family or is it so taboo for parents to admit that they find one of their children easier to love that they never admit it, even to themselves?

pictish · 05/10/2017 22:05

Yes I absolutely worried about that. It was totally unfounded. The love just expands and adapts because it's a whole new and different child to love. Cheesy but nevertheless true. xx

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2017 22:07

I worried about this. Couldn't possibly imagine how you could love another child as much as your first. But you do.

Agree with this completely.

Also - it isn't a direct comparison. There's something special about a firstborn. There's something special about a newborn. As they grow, you love them both for the children they are; there's no direct comparison, if that makes sense.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2017 22:13

Truly love both of mine the same - how much I like them varies from day to day (and somethings minute to minute, if they are working their tickets! Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2017 22:15

And as Natalia says - there is something about a firstborn . . . and there is also something about your last born . . . and I don't doubt that people with more than two find something about each of them which is unique and special, and which stimulates love for that childinhis/her own right.

Babies bring love with them - you won't love one more than another.

poddige · 05/10/2017 22:28

I panicked right up until birth that I couldn't possibly love another. But it just appears out of nowhere. And you truly do love them just as much.

Ohyesiam · 05/10/2017 22:45

I really get what your saying.
I felt like I would be being unfaithful to my dd of I had another! I thought that she would be devastated of ask the love and attention we had lavished on her was diluted in any way.

But it's not like that. Your love grows.
And your child gets a sibling.

My mum had a favourite, and I was determined not to. It's taken self awareness, but I don't think I show favouritism ( mind you my mum was quite happy to be nasty and show her favouring, so she set the bar low!).

MrsJamesAspey · 05/10/2017 22:50

* Where is the reality? Do children misperceive the dynamics of their family or is it so taboo for parents to admit that they find one of their children easier to love that they never admit it, even to themselves?*

Maybe favouritism isn’t about love it’s about enjoying one child’s company more than the other/s, not about loving them more than the others. My 13 year old son swears I prefer his 16 year old sister but she distinctly remembers being 13 and me preferring him. I keep telling them I don’t like either of them and prefer the dog Grin

geekone · 05/10/2017 22:51

My Dh feels like this and so doesn't want any more it's a shame I would have loved to be a mum again but we both had to agree which he just couldn't do. I think there is enough love to go around it just grows the more people you have in your life

megletthesecond · 05/10/2017 22:58

It never occurred to me TBH.

Love isn't finite. DC's arrive with their own huge bubble of love.

Chocolatechops84 · 06/10/2017 06:58

I have two & as wet as it sounds, your heart definitely expands when the second comes along! I didn't ever think I could love another child as much as my daughter, but I do and it's amazing. She also has someone else to love, so it's a winning situation all round here! Do I love one more than the other? No. Do I like one more than the other on occassion, yes. Especially of one of them is screaming bloody murder because they want chocolate buttons for breakfast.....

SmileAndNod · 06/10/2017 07:13

I didn't think I'd ever love my second child as much as my first. Spent all the pregnancy worrying about it. Then had to have a section which i dreaded. I felt like I could never love her.

But as she was put on my chest I loved her instantly (more so than my eldest actually). Then went on to have a third. The love isn't a certain amount that has to divide.

I love them all. My favourite changes on an hourly basis Grin

Morestrawberriesplease · 06/10/2017 07:22

You don't have to share the love you have now for number one, it doubles and there's even more. It's 😉 how it works. It's a joyous thing.

toptomatoes · 06/10/2017 07:24

I felt a bit like that before having DC2 but not so much when having DC3 as I knew better by then. I love them all fiercely and equally. Discovering each of them as a completely different person is amazing. A dog is definitely not the same (we have one of those too).

StorminaBcup · 06/10/2017 07:29

I’ll be honest, I certainly like one child more than the other at the moment although I’m sure that will change.

Haudyerwheesht · 06/10/2017 07:37

I absolutely felt like this. I was a bit PFB with ds and so thought no second child could be as amazing tbh. Hmm

Anyway, dd was born when ds was 3 and I didn't feel the same immediate bond I had with ds but I absolutely loved her and within a few days the bond was there. Now they're 7&10 and I love them both equally and also find them both equally irritating.

IamPickleRick · 06/10/2017 07:37

A friend advised me to think of love like cake.

Your first born gets the whole cake. Having a second child doesn't split the cake in half ie you don't love them 50/50

Each baby comes with a new cake of their own Grin

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