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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little bit miffed

39 replies

Holdbacktheriver · 05/10/2017 18:55

I think I’m probably being VU and prepared to be told so.

This might be long but I don’t want to dripfeed so I’ll include as much info as I can.

I have never ever in my life had a fuss made of my birthday. Long story short my mother has made no secret of that fact I wasn’t wanted. The last time I had a card and cake was when I was 11 before my grandparents died.

I understand that because I’m so used to not having anything and I never really mention my own birthday, that people probably think that I don’t want anything and would be happier if it was ignored. I’m fine with this as if I’m honest I think I would feel a bit awkward. I do however make a massive fuss of everyone else’s birthdays and Christmas is a big thing in my house.

Anyway, it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. As expected it came and went completely unmarked. One of the DC mentioned tonight that we never do anything for my birthday and asked DH why and when is it. His response was that I’m awkward to buy for because I’m boring, have no real interests and I never tell him what I want so he wouldn’t know what to buy.

I very rarely buy myself anything. We don’t struggle financially but I do always prioritise the DC and forget about myself. I’m also currently a SAHM and I feel bad spending family money on myself. I’m aware of how silly that sounds.

AIBU to be annoyed at his reason for not acknowledging my birthday? I’m not bothered about never celebrating it but his response has stung a little. I am feeling a bit like a spoiled brat because it has bothered me so much though.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 18:57

Stung a LITTLE?! What on earth?

So you run around making sure everyone (including your husband) has a lovely birthday and they do nothing for you and he BLAMES you for this?

He sounds horrible. Do you think you put up with him because you don't expect love, OP?

NancyDonahue · 05/10/2017 19:02

Oh this is one of the saddest posts I've ever seen. Your dh is an insensitive arse. Especially as you celebrate his birthday Angry. A little card and a box of chocs is all it takes, it's hardly an effort but it means a lot. How old are the dcs? Awful example for him to set them - not bothering with their mum's Birthday Sad

Happy belated Birthday, op Flowers.

littlebird7 · 05/10/2017 19:03

You are not expecting too much for people to mark your birthday. Your biggest problem is that your expectations are too low.
Tell dh you expect much more next year and have a re run this year. Ask your dh to arrange a special day just for you and presents, cake and. Weds. He can involve the children.
If you haven't explained what happened when you were a child hen you need to do so, dogs understands. Everyone deserves to feel special at least once a year and especially you!

Danceswithwarthogs · 05/10/2017 19:05

What an idiot...

How about asking you? Or doing something lovely for you that no one could dislike, or trying to surprise you and getting it wrong, but keeping the receipt...?

At least you are bringing up your children to be thoughtful... Hopefully they take after you Flowers

CarrieBradshaw85 · 05/10/2017 19:05

Oh this is so sad :( I'm so sorry OP. I've made a chocolate cake this evening and now I really wish you were here to have some with a glass of wine I have in the fridge xx

TealStar · 05/10/2017 19:06

Oh op I wish I could give you a very big unmumsnetty hug Flowers

I'm sure someone will be along with some good advice but I didn't want to read and run. Happy birthday for two weeks ago Cake

Gazelda · 05/10/2017 19:09

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Could you find a quiet time, when you’re both relaxed and say “DH, I was hurt by the reasons you gave DS for why you don’t celebrate my birthday. I’d like to feel special one day a year, and wish you hadn’t implied that my birthday is not worth bothering about. In future, I’d like my birthday to be treated like any other birthday in the family. I don’t want bunting and fanfare, simply to feel important and special and cared about”.

Original poster
Holdbacktheriver · 05/10/2017 19:13

Thank you all. I was worried I was out of order. I don’t mind not marking my birthday it was just the reason he gave. As though it’s my fault.

Dh is fully aware of why nothing has ever been done. I didn’t tell him when my birthday was when we first met. He asked after we’d been together nearly a year as thought he’d missed it. (He had) so I explained it all then.

I wouldn’t have wanted him to tell DC the truth. Oldest is 10 youngest is 2 so it’s not suitable. But a joke about mummy not wanting to admit she’s getting old or something would have been better I think.

OP posts:
Neapolitanicecream · 05/10/2017 20:51

Best wishes I'm going to have a virtual birthday drink for you ... so to your very good health and happiness....cheers and big kisses and hugs Hold your a great mum 💐

OtterlyNutty · 05/10/2017 21:15

I don't think YABU at all.
Wishing you a belated birthday 🎂 Flowers

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/10/2017 21:18

Happy belated birthday OP. I don't think I've ever read anything on here less unreasonable. You deserve some sort of knighthood for not telling your DH to get fucked the moment those words came out of his mouth.

Could you change things in increments, so this month buy one little thing you love each week, a book, a bunch of flowers, a little bit of jewellery? Then next month treat yourself each week to a bit of makeup and so on for each month that follows til you begin to change your mindset and see that you absolutely deserve and need to be celebrated and happy, too?

As for your DH he needs a bollocking.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/10/2017 21:23

Oh lovely

That's horrible, but if I'm honest your perpetuating your mums treatment of you when you were younger, this is a dynamic which could be passed on through your kids if your not careful.

Also,don't give your idiot dh a get out of jail free card, his reasons for not doing anything are the very least insulting and points to deeper problems possibly.

You deserve to have a fuss made, also your kids deserve the chance to show they appreciate you on a special day, it's the sort of thing they can be creative with.

🎂💐

SpottedGingham · 05/10/2017 21:34

Sent you a pm. Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 05/10/2017 21:43

Happy burthday op Cake

Next year tell him exactly what you want. Or dump him and find someone who isnt a selfish arse.

Also, look whats on in your local area and start a hobby / interest since he is so keen for you to have one. Having a circle out of the house will be beneficial.

Does he buy you nice gifts at Christmas?

Snap8TheCat · 05/10/2017 21:46

Are you saying your birthday went literally unnoticed? No cards, gifts, cake? Dh or dc didn’t even say happy birthday? It was literally like any other day?

That is honestly tragically sad and I would be rethinking my marriage.

Happy belated birthday 🍰 Flowers

SabineUndine · 05/10/2017 21:49

I think you need to start being a whole lot more demanding. I’m single and nobody bothers much about my birthday so I make damned sure I do something special. Take yourself out for lunch somewhere nice, get a manicure, buy that new Chanel scent, whatever you fancy.

Original poster
Holdbacktheriver · 05/10/2017 21:59

It did indeed snap but this is not unusual. My mother has some serious issues and unfortunately really didn’t want me, so it’s always been the case really, especially since my grandparents passed away.

I’m not upset by it anymore. Though I can accept that I’m now possibly continuing it by not actually saying anything about it.

I think I will speak to DH tomorrow and let him know that his reason hurt and ask that next year we maybe just do a card and cake from the DC as they recognise everyone else has a birthday.

Honestly I stopped mentioning it as I used to get so embarrassed as a child with all my friends having lovely celebrations and I often wouldn’t even get a happy birthday.

I do make sure my DC know how much I love them though and always make sure they have a nice birthday.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 05/10/2017 22:06

Your post made me so sad - you deserve to be made a fuss of, all the more so given your childhood experiences Sad Your DH should be making a big deal out of your birthday, like you do for the rest of the family - I assume your DH expects his birthday to be acknowledged? Why doesn't he celebrate yours? His lame excuses are just that - and he needs a kick up the backside. If he can't get his act together to do that, then I'd be rethinking any effort you make to do nice stuff for him! Have some Cake Flowers Wine

peterpan742 · 05/10/2017 22:16

One of my lovely friends had similar.
His birthday was never acknowledged after his lovely mum died when he was 5 as his dad/rest of the family weren't really interested/didn't really have a relationship with him.

On his birthday, I went round to his house, had brought him a card, cake, balloon and a present. Honestly, it was no effort on my part, but he's always said it was one of his favourite birthdays.

My nan was similar with my mum (only acknowledged one of her childrens birthdays) and I always make an effort on her birthday because she deserves it and so do you. Happy belated birthday Flowers

FenceSitter01 · 05/10/2017 22:22

A little card and a box of chocs is all it takes, it's hardly an effort but it means a lot

That's boringly thoughtless, it's petrol-station-esque last minute - I'd rather have nothing than a last minute box of milk tray and wilted bunch of leaded triffids.

I know exactly what the OP means though, you prioritise everyone else so you forget you exist as an individual.

Saltandsauce · 05/10/2017 22:23

I'm so sorry op, happy belated birthday.
I really don't understand how your dh wouldn't take it upon himself, after hearing the story of the way you were treated as a child, to not make the biggest fuss of you on your birthday. Seriously. Instead he's doing the exact same thing your mother did? I genuinely don't understand it. This is your partner, someone you picked to spend the rest of your life with, to raise children with and he doesn't even acknowledge your birthday 😟
Please talk to him and tell him how you feel, don't bottle it up. Also tell you eldest dc when your birthday is, mark it on a calendar, and tell them what your favourite kind of cake is, and ask that next year, they make a card and a cake and sing happy birthday to you.
Xxxx

AlternativeTentacle · 05/10/2017 22:36

I think you need to acknowledge that your kids probably do want to celebrate your birthday. You are their mum and they love you.

Have a belated one this year, and then celebrate from next year onwards.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 06/10/2017 09:00

Another one who feels sad reading your post. Make this the last birthday that is like that. Change it for your children at least.

Next year involve your children because I promise you they will want to make a fuss. By next year your oldest will be 11, that is old enough to be given some money while you wait outside at a shop, (supermarket have lots of choice and will have something they can buy you and wrap up) They will love to do this! Even if it has to be organised by you.

Tell your husband, give him some ideas - although I suspect it has nothing to do with you and he has loved being let off thinking about making your day special and this will now show him up as a selfish arse.

Happy Birthday from me, it is okay to be made to feel special, because you are :-)

jay55 · 06/10/2017 09:19

I don’t know why your husband had to insult you in front of the kids. That was cruel.

It takes very little effort on his part to get the kids to make you a card. There is no need for him to follow your mother’s bad tradition.

MrTrebus · 06/10/2017 09:24

Your husband sounds like a total twat. Who gets together with someone who tells them that story and doesn't think "right better make a fuss of my dear OH she has never had a birthday and I love her I'm going to make a point of making it amazing for her every year to try to make up for her parents" longest sentence ever

And not only that he then makes up some weird horrible reason in front of the DC even though he knows the real reason Hmm

Time you took time and money for yourself, every year on your birthday arrange childcare and then arrange something nice for YOU. A spa day, cinema, pub whatever it is! And spend a shit tonne of money too. You deserve better!!