To be a little bit miffed

[Holdbacktheriver]

I think I’m probably being VU and prepared to be told so.

This might be long but I don’t want to dripfeed so I’ll include as much info as I can.

I have never ever in my life had a fuss made of my birthday. Long story short my mother has made no secret of that fact I wasn’t wanted. The last time I had a card and cake was when I was 11 before my grandparents died.

I understand that because I’m so used to not having anything and I never really mention my own birthday, that people probably think that I don’t want anything and would be happier if it was ignored. I’m fine with this as if I’m honest I think I would feel a bit awkward. I do however make a massive fuss of everyone else’s birthdays and Christmas is a big thing in my house.

Anyway, it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. As expected it came and went completely unmarked. One of the DC mentioned tonight that we never do anything for my birthday and asked DH why and when is it. His response was that I’m awkward to buy for because I’m boring, have no real interests and I never tell him what I want so he wouldn’t know what to buy.

I very rarely buy myself anything. We don’t struggle financially but I do always prioritise the DC and forget about myself. I’m also currently a SAHM and I feel bad spending family money on myself. I’m aware of how silly that sounds.

AIBU to be annoyed at his reason for not acknowledging my birthday? I’m not bothered about never celebrating it but his response has stung a little. I am feeling a bit like a spoiled brat because it has bothered me so much though.

Well your DH has shown what he’s thought of you.

He could have just as easily said it’s because your selfless and put everyone else first, but he didn’t because he chooses not to acknowledge it. Instead it somehow becomes a problem for him. Bastard.

Surely your DH has the opportunity to give you some lovely birthday memories to look back on?! Not compound your experience that birthdays have to be crap!

Your children should have the experience of choosing you gifts, making cards and wonky cakes as well as waking you up with breakfast in bed they have made themselves.

Show him the thread. His reasons were horrible.

I think your 10 year old is old enough to know some of the reason why this happens. They'll be old enough to have a bit of empathy and think how much they'd hate it if no one remembered their birthday.

I think your dh is a bit of a twat tbh. If my partner told me that they'd never really celebrated their birthday and it was for reasons like yours, I'd have made an extra effort to make each birthday special, even if only in a small way.

I'm nodding at Saltandsauce's post. It's not that you don't' want a bit of a fuss, it's that you were given no opportunity to learn how to anticipate and appreciate this as a child and that must have been so awful for you. I would have thought that your husband would have made a mental note in this head, that very first time when you told him, that your next birthday and every one after, would be the stuff of dreams to make up for the shoddy lack previously.

Presumably he also enjoys the effort that you make on his birthdays so it's a double-whammy of lack of care really. I think you should have another talk with him and categorically tell him that you expect effort, that your children want to celebrate your day - and so should he.

You must take some (awkward, and I know they will be) steps to change this because you don't want your children picking up any of these odd habits and transposing them into their own adult lives.

Happy Birthday for when it was...

So you told your husband about your sad childhood and lack of celebrations, and his answer to that has been to ALSO ignore you on your birthday? And calling you boring as well? Bloody hell op, is he usually such a twat? I hope he's nice to you in lots of other ways. This is very sad to read, I feel a bit teary!
I really feel for you OP. I had rather a shit childhood and no birthday parties so I tend to go a bit bananas at birthdays and Christmas. With everyone in my family, and they know I make a big deal so they fuss over me too.
Happy birthday to you, you deserve a big cake and a really special, thoughtful present.

Thank you all. You’ve all been so kind.

Dh is working from home today so when he came out of his office for a coffee I asked him why he said what he did. He said he didn’t mean to come across as harsh as he did and apologised for that but said that Mother’s Day and Christmas I always come across awkward and ungrateful no matter what he’s organised. He said he keeps them
Low key because he knows I don’t feel comfortable with attention being on me but at the same time it’s frustrating for him because my reaction is never what you’d expect.

There is likely to be an element of truth there and I may well have some work to do myself.

He has suggested a takeaway and a Victoria sponge tonight as a belated birthday, to start setting a better example to the children. So I have accepted and hopefully my face won’t look grumpy in front of the DC.

OP, i was going to ask if you were sure that your DH was in a position of not-doing-right-for-doing-wrong and that is why he's never pushed it.

I had a similar experience as you and went the opposite way. My Birthday is at least a two day celebration (one with my children and a night out with friends). Christmas is a big deal with as many parties/events as possible from the start of December.

Even this year now my DD are Adults, I've booked to go to London and see A Christmas Carol.

You may find that as you start to celebrate, you lay some ghosts to rest. Those around you think that your Birthday is worth celebrating because you are special to them, so go with how they feel/think about you.

There are obviously things you like or are interested in? So email him links, or point out things when out with the children (mine are very accomplished hand bag spotters now).

You poor thing - but glad your husband is going to do something - start making wish lists from now on - you deserve it, plus it means your kids will take partners birthdays seriously when they’re grown up

Enjoy your evening and report back with how it went

It isn't about presents. My DS is impossible to buy for - lots of reasons - but we have always made a little fuss of him. (We don't do big birthday celebrations in my family). BUT, the DC always got to choose what we had for dinner on their birthday - and, as they got older, where we went to eat, we always do cards, we always do a cake with candles, (can be very cheap - but candles are The Law!), we always made sure they got phone calls and messages from us and extended family wherever they were, flowers from the garden or cheaply from somewhere, sprinkles on their pudding - little things. It isn't about the money or choosing presents, (personally I hate presents!).
So YANBU and Happy Birthday from me.
Next year do somethign for yourself. Plan to go out for a walk or lunch or whatever you feel like. arrange something with the children to celebrate, buy your own cake and candles to set them a good example.

And as for DH - if you think it would be worth mentioning it to him then do tell him how you feel. If not then he will see next year when you join in with the children in your own special day how it should be done.

I hope your belated birthday is a huge success.

I also hate having lots of attention on me so I know how you feel. But I think it's good for your kids to see that everyone is special and deserves to be spoilt on their special days.

Have you ever tried positive affirmations? They might help you change your mindset about your birthday. You sound lovely, your mum clearly had her own issues which were not your fault and you deserve to have a lovely birthday every year

Is there anything that the whole family enjoy that you could make into your birthday treat/tradition so it wouldn't be all focused on you?

youthecat that’s a lovely idea. I’m sure there are lots of things we all enjoy doing together that I could make a tradition for my birthday. I think it might help me feel less awkward too if it’s something everyone likes to do.

We had a lovely Chinese and Dh even got me a bottle of my favourite wine when he picked up the cake. The Dc put a candle on and sung happy birthday. They really enjoyed themselves. Dh has said he will get takeaway and cake on my actual birthday next year.

I think I managed to hide my awkwardness as the Dc were all smiles, though I probably still have some work to do on that front.

That's great. Happy (belated) birthday HoldBack