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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby as soon as possible?

43 replies

Holidaysweets · 05/10/2017 15:05

I am currently extremely broody. I'm 27 and have been married for just over a year. Currently my husband and I rent but are hoping to buy a house in the next six months once I clear some smallish credit card debt on an interest free credit card.

I am desperate for a baby and feel that I'm not getting any younger whereas husband could quite happily wait another few years despite being four years older than me.

We both earn around the 20k and my job is a junior position in a very competitive industry meaning if I leave I will find it very difficult to get back in again.

We have set the date to ttc next summer which is a bit tight to buy a house, get savings in order. Waiting until the following year would be ideal, giving us enough time to sort everything and have a few holidays just us before.

I'm concerned about my age though. My mum had several miscarriages before and in between me and my siblings. She also died young from a condition that is very difficult to test for meaning it's unlikely I'll ever know that I have her condition until I die.

My issue is if we try next year I'm not really sure we're ready but if we wait another year I'll be 29 and I'm worried about conceiving and spending less time with my children, if I have the condition. When I think about those issues I get really anxious and want to start trying now. What would you do?

OP posts:
elmo1980 · 05/10/2017 15:10

What does your husband think?

lurkingnotlurking · 05/10/2017 15:19

I had my first child at 32. You should leave it a while to get ready, I think. You are only just starting to get your ducks in a row by the sound of it.

Danceswithwarthogs · 05/10/2017 15:21

27 is no age... but broodiness is rarely rational. I was similar to you (had first dd at 26, started ttc 6m after wedding) but I can't say it doesn't affect your career... because it almost always does. Your priorities change, you can't be as flexible with hours and find it harder to study for qualifications with a baby at home. I have gone back between 3 pregnancies and have had ours quite spaced out because of fertility/mc issues. Wouldn't change things now but have never travelled outside of Europe or really done much with career apart from building experience in same comfortable role...

I'm content with this, but you need to be honest with yourself about whether you would be. And husband of course Smile

x2boys · 05/10/2017 15:23

27 is very young i met dh at 31 and my boys at 33 and 36 and i have pcos .

x2boys · 05/10/2017 15:26

Is the condition heriditory and how likey are you to also have it ibcan understand your concerns but have you discussed this wirh your gp?

mishfish · 05/10/2017 15:26

You are so so young!

I had my first at 20, second at 26 and third at 27.

I'm 28 now and honestly if I could have my time again I'd have waited until I was around 32 to have my first followed by the others shortly after.

Develop your career for a while, buy your house and wait!

BlueButTrue · 05/10/2017 15:28

YANBU!

If you want a baby now, have one (assuming DH agrees of course).

I wouldn't stand a chance of a baby if I left it until 27.

Myself and DH are renting for now but if we left our TTC plans until after buying our own home, my time would've been up.

But really though, we wanted a baby anyway.

You don't have to have everything lined up perfectly before trying for a baby. That's where madness lies

BarbarianMum · 05/10/2017 15:28

Ignore your hormones at sit down and do the maths. Do a 5 year financial projection for what happens if you conceive this year and what happens if you wait two years. Think about how many children you'd like and whether you want to go back to work full or part time. Check out the cost of childcare. Think about really dull stuff like life insurance and health insurance and having a couple of grand in the bank incase the car packs in unexpectedly or your dh gets sick.
Babies are amazing, I'd really recommend them. But you'll enjoy them much more if you are not on a financial knife edge for the first few years.

BarbarianMum · 05/10/2017 15:30

Oh and something else to remember is that having a baby wont necessarily stop you feeling broody. I have felt broody for 12 years now and only have 2 children to show for it. Would have liked 4. Could afford 2.

BananaShit · 05/10/2017 15:36

27 is not particularly young. The average age for first birth in the UK is now 30. I doubt anyone saying you're really young would think a woman wanting to TTC at 33 was very old. I can understand people saying to you that you're very young ie there's no reason to rush on fertility grounds, but late 20s is not young in life terms either.

With that said, why now rather than next year? Clearing debt is a great idea. You'll still be young then. An extra 10 months is not really much, is it? I expect you'd love to have had an extra 10 months with your mum if you could, but by the same token, if she'd died 10 months after she did I bet you'd still feel she'd died young.

I think, easier said than done, you have to try and take your feelings around your mum out of this. Difficult I know. Do what barbarianmum says. Think carefully and sensibly about the finances, because it really is much easier when you aren't broke.

Ellendegeneres · 05/10/2017 15:37

Same as above, I know I can't have another. I can't. But I'm so broody I could weep. I see little babies and look at dp and say just one... please?? Look how tiny and cute! He rolls his eyes and keeps walking.
But broodiness is irrational.
Realistically speaking, next year isn't that far to wait. And then people like me will be cooing at your precious bump and then beautiful baby wishing another... I'd go on forever if I could 🤣

koalab · 05/10/2017 15:40

I was always adamant I was going to have a baby before I turned 30. I have a mild medical condition that could potentially get worse as I get older and didn't want that to add to complications during pregnancy. We bought a house at 26. Then not long after I got a new job with better prospects. Then I decided I would aim to get to a particular level at work. . In the end I started ttc at 30 and had my baby at 31. I'm so glad I waited that little bit longer. Those few years went really quickly and being at a higher grade at work gave me more security to take a whole year off without the worry of trying to progress my career at the same time. I'm also much better off financially because I worked to get to that grade.

I know how you are feeling though. I had proofs' in my late 20's that I was sooo broody.

I should also say I've made friends with some mums that are mid 20's because they felt it was the right time for them. At the end of the day you and your partner need to decide what's best for you.

Loopytiles · 05/10/2017 15:41

With your low salaries childcare costs might prevent one of you returning to work, and you say your industry is competitive, which usually means not family friendly. IMO it’d be better to seek to build your CV / promotion before ttc.

Sorry you lost your mum young. Is the condition potentially hereditary or is the risk still very low?

koalab · 05/10/2017 15:42

Proofs = periods lol

peachgreen · 05/10/2017 15:43

If you wait and sort out your finances you'll be more likely to be able to afford longer on maternity leave. That was enough to convince me to wait, and I'm really glad I did as I'll now be able to have a full year off, and go back part time.

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 05/10/2017 15:45

Sorry OP...
you rent, you have been married only a year and you earn next to nothing.

Please wait and get a house past a few years of marriage and progress with you career.

You think all of this is bad now try being single, renting and on income support if everything goes tits up.

There is no rush at all.

Majormanner · 05/10/2017 15:52

we waited until we were financially secure (as much as you can be with a mortgage) and we were both ready. Hormones can start screaming to you but please use your head. I have family that rushed into it and now have two kids and rent in their 30s with no prospect of being able to save for a deposit. they keep saying they wished they had waited

ladybirdsaredotty · 05/10/2017 15:56

I totally see what you mean, especially about not knowing if you have the same condition as your mum Flowers

I was broody from 20, but was with someone I knew I didn't want children with. Me and current DP then got together and I got pregnant at 29, had DC1 at just 30. I'm now pregnant with DC3 at 36. It's wonderful and I just couldn't bring myself to wait any longer. But realistically it might have been a good idea! We're still renting, I'm in a fine but not great job because we can work around each other and not pay for childcare. I'd like to train to do something else but can't, and not sure we'll ever be in a position to afford that.

However, I'm not sure I'd change it! We had travelled a bit the year before I got pregnant, as we knew it wouldn't be an option in the same way after a baby. I cannot imagine my life any different now. So I have no idea what I'd do in your position, but good luck with the decision.

Florence16 · 05/10/2017 16:45

I'd focus less on the number and more on getting your ducks in a row. If you were 33 for example, I'd be more inclined to say sod it, but 27 isn't old!

Houses suck up money. It sounds like you're so close to getting there, what's another 9 months?

We have waited to TTC until we bought a house and got married. In the end we've upgraded to a bigger house early so are in our second home but a bit more skint. Not skint enough to delay TTC, but it was with delaying TTC to be where we are now. You never know what's around the corner, especially with what you've said about your career, I would want to be in my own home and have savings stashed behind me.

Florence16 · 05/10/2017 16:51

I don't agree that being married a year isn't long and would mean rushing though! Depends how long you were together first. Plenty of people on MN have kids and aren't married for example.

DH and I are TTC and have only been married a year - been together nearly six in total though, lived together most of that time and in our own mortgaged homes for over 2 years.

I remember feeling like you did when I was at uni and when I left. It's hard. My career has quite a lot of scope to grow still but I'm in a comfortable and not hugely taxing role, so it's not a bad point for me to step out. I'll always have to go back FT too. I only earn £31k (not a lot by MN standards) but am public sector and fully qualified in my area so there is no more career building to be had apart from gaining experience, and I already have 3 x years which are relevant. Focus on ticking off the debt and getting a house, then go go go x

Rachie1973 · 05/10/2017 16:56

lol I had my first at 19, I was in a council flat, and ended up in pots of debt. I had 4 by the time I was 29. Then a divorce :)

It was hard, but I'm 44 now, enjoying my grandchildren and some freedom too.

Its different for everyone I think. When it's your time though, it's your time.

SarahH12 · 05/10/2017 17:04

I've been broody for 10 years and am finally in a happy, secure relationship with somebody I'd love to have DC with asap. I don't think broodiness ever goes away though. My friend has three DC and she's still just as broody. As much as she loves her DC though, she wishes they'd waited until owning their own house and built up their careers.
I'm 26 and earning a similar amount to you, saving for a house etc. I think it just makes more sense for us to own a house and build up the career a bit more. Honestly, like you I'd love to say just sod it and let's ttc but these things are so much harder when DC come along.

I don't think YABU, those feelings are totally normal. But in the grand scheme of things 10 months is nothing, that time will fly by.

KarateKitten · 05/10/2017 17:27

The onus is on you to get DHs agreement. If he agrees then I'm sure you can figure the rest out. But if he wants to wait a little bit you also need to respect that. Having a child is huge for anyone and you both need to be ready.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/10/2017 18:15

I wish I'd conceived at your age! Five years later, when I did, my body was already less agile and nimble. I think I would have done much better by my own body conceiving in my 20s, though I wouldn't have had the right partner.

Wholovesorangesoda · 05/10/2017 18:34

Well I approach it from a different angle purely because we have trouble having kids. If I'd known then what I know now I would have put it all on the back burner and got on with making babies earlier.
Having said that, statistically you probably won't have any issues conceiving so probably shouldn't let that colour your judgement. I still wish I'd started ttc earlier though!!!