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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and struggling that no one cares about my mental health issues?

34 replies

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:04

I have Bipolar and when I'm having a down period of time I really struggle to do anything in the house and for/with the kids, and I struggle to work. Luckily I am self employed and work from home so I tend to do very little to no work when I'm down and then do loads when I'm feeling on a high and have boundless energy.

The problem is that no one actually seems to give a shit about the fact that I do have an illness. My family don't believe in mental health conditions and are virtually non contact with me since my diagnosis. My DH seems to think that it's something that I have control over and he won't pick up any of the slack if I'm feeling very low and am struggling. He always leaves all of the household stuff to me anyway, which when I'm feeling on a high is fine, but when I'm low just leaves me feeling hopeless and even worse than I currently do. Even putting school uniform in the washing machine and hanging it up to dry is hard when I'm on a low period.

On the other hand DH expects a show home and gets moody if the house isn't immaculate. I have tried talking to him time and time again about my illness and if I'm feeling down and can't do things but he just says 'Oh don't give me that old chestnut again'.

His family are not supportive either. His sister has a different mental health condition and they all rally to support her and make excuses for her but no one really acknowledges my issues.

AIBU to be upset by this? I am feeling very down at the moment and am struggling big time today to do anything.

OP posts:
whome69 · 05/10/2017 14:10

No I don't think so. When your DH married you did he know of your condition and by know I mean fully understand the ins and outs of it?

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:12

I didn't know I had bipolar then. I was diagnosed with 'depression' in my mid teens so have had that all my life. Bipolar is a recenti-ish diagnosis. And in any case any illness can just develop at any time in a marriage and I kind of think that a husband or wife should support and care for each other come what may.

OP posts:
Subtlecheese · 05/10/2017 14:12

YANBU what an uncaring unsupportive bunch of sods! You have a chronic illness that results in periods of struggling. You need a sharp word with your DH. He must realise that you're actually doing bloody well managing your health as lows for some with bipolar are terrifying and heartbreaking to observe.
Flowers I am sorry you're struggling now. Sometimes people need to accept that low is where you are and crawl right into that safe space with you to show they're there. It's just empathy!

whome69 · 05/10/2017 14:21

Yes indeed I was just asking as I wondered if he was used to a happy you previously before I formulated a reply. I have not got any experience really of dealing with someone with depression I imagine its tough for everyone when you are on a down period. However I think just because an illness can't be seen you shouldn't get the supportyou need. Expecting an immaculate house and calling your illness 'that old chestnut' is not really very helpful. Have you visited a health professional together so that he can hear from a professional the struggles you must be dealing with?

Again I am not sure why his family are not more understanding what condition does the sister have?

I really feel for you its horrible when you feel no one cares !!!

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:23

I don't think they notice when I'm on a down period tbh. DH just thinks I'm being lazy. He'd never come to a health professional meeting with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:33

Thank you subtlecheese

OP posts:
whome69 · 05/10/2017 14:36

Not especially supportive and you are obviously not being unreasonable to expect some more support and understanding. Maybe some other posters might have some good practical solutions. I hope you have someone from your own family or a good friend to try and help you through. x

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:39

Thank you whome69. Unfortunately my family don't believe in mental health issues (and were pretty abusive to me as a child anyway) so I have no family support. I do have a couple of friends who are good friends to me and I'm lucky to have them.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 05/10/2017 14:45

Sorry you're not getting the help you need when it's required. Maybe your husband needs to be told when you're on a low ebb, then he can do extra work for a while around the home.
My mum was bi-polar and even as children, my brother and myself used to know when to help and keep out of the way when she was feeling down. We even got on with our own breakfast and getting ourselves to school from a young age (below 10 years old).
I used to do the family shopping as well using a 'granny trolley' as it was the only way to carry stuff.
But when mum was on a 'high' she was a great mum and did loads. It was just a pity that as she aged her 'lows' happened more often.

Pinky333777 · 05/10/2017 14:47

Take your husband and close family along to an appointment with a psychiatrist so a professional can explain to them what you go through and how to best support you.
They may listen to them x

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:49

Poisonous, I did used to tell him but he used to say 'Not that old chestnut again'

Pinky, he wouldn't come to an appointment and my family wouldn't come either as they don't believe in mental health problems and don't have much to do with me because of it!

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 05/10/2017 14:53

Do you have a regular MH contact point/Doctor etc? There may not be much you can do about unsupportive wider family, but perhaps taking dh to appointments and getting them to explain how he can supportake and understand your condition might help. In the long run, surely better support will help you to stay well... which benefits everyone? And the expectation of having a "showhome" is unrealistic and will only make life feel more 'ground hog day' for you.

MargaretCavendish · 05/10/2017 14:53

I'm so sorry, OP, that your husband is like this. I have sporadic but serious depression and sometimes don't know how I'd cope without my husband's support. I think you should give yourself a lot more credit than you are for getting through this with so little support from your relationship and family. I think ultimately if someone makes your worse times even worse rather than better the point comes where you have to evaluate whether the relationship is a functional one. From everything you say he isn't going to change so the question is, can you live with that? Only you can decide this.

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 14:54

Danceswithwarthogs, he won't come to appointments!

Thank you Margaret. I don't know if I could cope on my own in all honesty.

OP posts:
whome69 · 05/10/2017 14:54

Sorry of course you did say your family were not suppportive. Who does your DH respect and listen too, perhaps they can help persuade him to come along to a doctors meeting and hear whats really going on.

HackAttack · 05/10/2017 14:58

Just to offer another perspective, one of my close relatives has bi polar and I used to help a lot. Cleaning, cooking, help getting to appointments and company but if I'm totally honest the associated mood changes and pressure was exhausting. With my own commitments I eventually couldn't do it anymore. There only seemed to be space to be their needs in any interaction.

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 05/10/2017 15:01

I can't see how it would be exhausting for my DH as he seems to barely notice how I am feeling! he's never done anything to help or take care of me!

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 05/10/2017 15:12

Well he is a prat and doesn't deserve you Flowers

Makes me so cross how many people don't take seriously the vows they make when they get married "to love and cherish" , "for better for worse".... And this isn't always easy, it's an act of will which involves putting your selfishness to the side and putting the other person's needs first... which he should do for you. What's a few appointments and a bit of housework to him in the scheme of things? Sure he'd expect you to care for him if boot was on the other foot.

Is there any one in RL who you could trust to give him a proper talking to? Sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse.

CardsforKittens · 05/10/2017 15:14

I think it's rather unpleasant of your husband to refuse to consider your diagnosed health condition. Would he pull the same crap if you'd been diagnosed with arthritis or diabetes or another fluctuating (physical) condition?

It sounds like he's putting a lot of pressure on you to do things his way, without considering your needs, and that's not reasonable in a marriage. His refusal to accompany you to appointments is further evidence of that. He should be trying to find out all about bipolar and how he can support you. Instead he's dismissing you. That's awful.

Have you told him that as your spouse you expect him to listen to you and take your needs seriously?

ItReallyWasNotMe · 05/10/2017 16:49

Thank you Dances and Cards.

I can’t think of anyone who could/would have a word with DH.

mareemallory · 05/10/2017 17:10

I'm so sorry that you seem to be surrounded by a bunch of arseholes. My partner has recently been diagnosed with bipolar (having previously been misdiagnosed with depression like you) and it came as an enormous relief to us both as it explained so much. As he's not working at the moment he does the bulk of the housework but yes, it does slip when he's having a 'down' bit and I always try to either step up and do more myself, or if I don't have time (I sometimes work very long hours) I just accept that some stuff is going to have to wait. The house doesn't need to be spotless as the Queen is still yet to drop in for a cup of tea, and there's nothing wrong with ready meals if no one is feeling up to cooking.

I don't have any concrete advice and I know it's not as simple as just getting up and leaving, but I just wanted you to know it doesn't have to be like this.

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 06/10/2017 08:09

Thank you Maree Flowers

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 06/10/2017 08:13

Your husband sounds awful.
What does he do to help you ? Anything ?

What does he do that's nice in your relationship in general ?

Original poster
PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 06/10/2017 12:25

Nothing, ever.

When I'm well I have to do everything, and work. When I'm unwell I have to limp on doing what I can and everything else gets left so we're living in a hovel.

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 06/10/2017 13:02

Honestly - why are you with him ? What does he give you ?

Because it sounds like you give everything and he gives nothing. Are you sure you wouldn't be happier on your own ? Or with a new partner ?

You sound lovely and yes like a PP sis surrounded by arseholes.