Dh has been referred for counselling

[florentinasummertime]

However, aibu to think this isn't going to help him as he doesn't trust the counsellor? It seems it is a tick box exercise.

My husband does counselling and it's totally accepted you that to feel comfortable with the Counsellor. Perhaps, DH could do one more session and if he doesn't feel he's got the right one explained to work he doesn't feel he has the right Counsellor and would appreciate the opportunity to see someone else. Counselling has to be in the strictest confidence even if someone else is paying for it. If there's more to it than confidence, as in personality, don't forget Counsellors need to listen, prompt but not get too close and involved.

Hope it helps him whoever he has for support.

The counsellor will doubtless have gone over confidentiality in her first session. She will also have been trained in dealing with people who have been referred unwillingly. When you train to be a counsellor you consider how people have arrived at seeing you, and with work referrals the possibility people don't really want to be there is thought about a lot.

this is compulsory, is it? So it's a condition of him keeping his job?

There is actually very little evidence base for the efficacy of counselling, it is a bit snake oil

Luminaries, please provide the evidence for that statement. A number of mainstream therapies have research based proof of efficacy.

OP, the situation is likely to be that as work have referred him and are paying, they will receive a report from the therapist when his sessions are all finished. The report will say nothing about his issues or what was discussed, but will be limited to whether he attended and whether he engaged with the process.

Any therapist worth his/her salt should pick up on him saying what he thinks they want to hear, or pretending to engage when he isn't really, and that is something they should address directly with him. That might be addressed in the report as 'X found it difficult to engage with the therapy at the beginning but soon began to open up' or 'X did not engage with the therapy at the beginning and has continued to find it difficult'. But there would be no more detail than that.

I think he plans on telling the counsellour what work want to hear?

I think a decent counselor will be able to tell if he's just telling her what she wants to hear. Does he have to do this to keep his job?

Well said TheDevilMadeMeDoIt. I think the idea of counselling being 'snake oil' can prevent people with mental illness' such as depression seeking the help they so desperately need. It's not all about pills.

Counsellors explain about confidentiality and have to abide by their ethical code so he'll be in a safe space.

Hope he can engage. If not there are other counsellors so don't give up.

Of course there's evidence that counselling and CBT can be effective. Here, for instance:

www.bacp.co.uk/research/resources/#King_2000

OP, if he doesn't engage with the counsellor and tells them what he thinks they want to hear he's going to be wasting his time and theirs. Can he not ask for a different counsellor, or refuse to participate?

I am worried that you come across as dismissive and unsupportive, but yet also over involved.

It is his counselling. Maybe he is smothered. Maybe he is telling you what you want to hear, or don’t want to hear. Who knows.

His issues.
His counselling.
His mental health.

If you love him, support him in the ways he requires. It sounds like he has to ‘poo-poo’ the idea as a coping mechanism until he gets into it and builds a trust relationship with the mh professional.

Also after each session ask once if he wants to talk to you about any of it. Then if he says no, communicate that you are available if he changes his mind... and let it go.

This is his journey, not couples therapy.

BACP would select the research that justifies their existence & even the research they have chosen to publicise on their website is far from compelling.

People can produce all kinds of research to back up their point. Counselling and psychotherapy is supported by neuroscience.

I don't think I am being dismissive - I want it to be helpful and productive for him. It could be so helpful as he had such a hard childhood but he does see it as a box ticker to keep his job.

It could be, but it might well not be. He is well within his rights to choose not to engage in counselling if he does not feel it would benefit him.

Counselling does not work for everyone. I've also had plenty of clients 'sent'. It's my job to put them at their ease. A good counsellor should do that. They should also talk about the agreement and confidentiality in the first session.

There is lots of evidence that talking therapies are more efficacious than drug therapies.

A counsellor will not tell the employer anything.

He/she will (ideally) try and develop a therapeutic relationship with your DH and try and get to the bottom off things... or try and gain an understanding.

I think it's in your DHs best interest to engage.

A counsellor works to a code of ethics. The first thing she'll tell him is that it's confidential.... unless he disccloses that he will harm himself or others.

It's not worth her career to disclose otherwise. Honestly., believe me.

Check if she's on the BACP list.
Encourage him to be open minded.

Thanks Sandy I will pass that on x

It’s up to him how he uses the sessions.

That’s it really. He’s not obliged to the OP, to his work to anyone.

What sort of policy? There must have been something that's triggered them saying he needs to go to keep his job? Or are they sending every single employee?

If his job is at risk surely it's to his benefit to engage as fully as possible? Presumably he thinks the counsellor will be providing feedback to the employers so he needs to clarify the extent of this before he can be expected to trust the process or person.

He is obviously struggling with some big emotional problems which must be impacting significantly on his work and, presumably other areas of life so I really hope he can find the courage to work with her. I've found it really helpful. Having said that, if he's offered a very small, token number of sessions it may be of limited use and he may need more going forwards.

Let him get on with it. It’s his counselling, his therapeutic journey.

Why does he have to go to councilling to keep his job? That indicates a serious issue with his behaviour in the workplace. If he chooses not to engage, that’s fine, but it means the problem will not resolve.

We have had employees we have sent for councilling, it’s never due to anything good, and not only is it confidential, I can assure you no one even wants to know what’s discussed. They simply want the behaviour to change.

I’d guess he’s not recognising he has a problem, and as such I’d be worried for him and his future with that company and then his ability to get another job if he is let go.

‘Counselling’

He hasn’t been elected to the parish council.

Op. He’s not been sent to councilling due to his childhood. He’s being sent due to a significant behavioural issue impacting on his performance or his workplace.

It is nothig good at work. Bluntness point is I think things are comig to a head.

The best gift my oh could have given me at the depth of my mh issues would have been to seek coaching to be better equipped to support me.

Is that something you would consider, op?