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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New relationship & childish behaviour

100 replies

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 09:32

I've been seeing someone for about 2 months and he seemed really nice but he has a habit that irritates me and I'm not sure if I should try to ignore it given that he seems to be a generally good person wrt respecting boundaries. I've noticed that if I'm taking about a programme I've watched he'll say for example that one of the female characters looks hot naked. He also sent me a text when Hugh Hefner died asking me if 'we' should spend the day looking at naked women in his honour(!) this irritated me on many levels, not least because I think Hugh Hefner was a vile creature who had no respect for women.

This is the kind of behaviour I would expect from a 15 year old, not a man in his 30s. Why is he making these comments to me? What does he expect me to reply? And it's not a one off - he does it a lot.

I am not sure whether I can put up with this behaviour because it makes me cringe. Should I end it based on a relatively minor thing like this? I get turned off people by little things and particularly by cringeworthy behaviour. And as I get older I become increasingly intolerant!

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 04/10/2017 11:10

Does he watch a lot of porn?
I have been in a relationship with a porn addict and its hideous - it was so normalised to him that he would think nothing of making comments like this and he had a lot of pride in his "open minded attitude" towards sex and porn. In reality he was constantly engaging with deeply misogynistic content and its almost impossible for that not to affect your outlook.

CakesRUs · 04/10/2017 11:15

I wouldn't like that either. I'd tell him it's odd coming from a grown man.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 11:20

I don't know if he does watch a lot of porn. But I'm not hanging around to find out.

The problem with me is that once someone puts me off them that's it. It's happened before.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/10/2017 11:22

"The problem with me is that once someone puts me off them that's it."

That isn't a problem matey. Certainly not here.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 04/10/2017 11:27

YANBU. I'd be put off too (and also having AS, I'd question if I was being daft as well). Glad you are going to ditch.

altiara · 04/10/2017 11:29

If it's only been 2 months, then he's definitely been on his best behaviour and now is showing who he really is. So if you don't like this person, just end it. You don't want to be having this conversation after a couple of years and living together.

flippinada · 04/10/2017 11:29

I think you've definitely made the right decision here. Good luck Flowers

Pigface1 · 04/10/2017 11:32

Oh god OP - I HATE this kind of man. I recently went to a wedding and got sat next to one of these (we'd been at school together but I hadn't spoken to him since). The kind who has to comment on ANY woman's appearance. Another female wedding guests walks by - 'she's hot.' Conversation turns to woman we were at school with - 'she is so FIT now'. Conversation turns to tv/film - 'X actress is so fit, she gets her kit off in that.' Conversation turns to travel - 'women from X country are so fit.'

I found it really nauseating actually and looking back I don't know why I didn't say something - why did I think I was obliged to listen to that?

Anyway, I think it's men who are insecure and feel the need to 'prove' their manliness. Which is a red flag tbh. So no, YANBU at all - I would get rid for this.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/10/2017 11:33

I'm glad you're ditching him.

It's fine to post lots of threads like this if it helps you. It might help if you say in your OP that you have AS & Alexithymia so that people know why you are struggling with how 'normal' or 'acceptable' certain behaviours are. Hopefully people will be kinder if they realise.

M4Dad · 04/10/2017 11:35

I think he's just excited about being in a new relationship and is talking gibberish/not thinking about what he's saying. You need to call him out on it.

If he still persists in talking like someone from the Inbetweeners then you should bin him asap.

Anecdoche · 04/10/2017 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 12:08

I'm quite anxious about breaking up with him because I hate having to dump people. Shall I just text him and say sorry I don't think we're compatible.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/10/2017 12:10

I don't know anyone who would show their excitement at being in a new relationship by repeatedly making demeaning and objectionable comments about other people.

Anyone who does think this is an acceptable way to behave probably should give dating a re-think.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2017 12:13

'I'm quite anxious about breaking up with him because I hate having to dump people. Shall I just text him and say sorry I don't think we're compatible.'

Yes, that's EXACTLY what you do! You owe him nothing. You don't owe him face to face or explanations or a phone call or FA. You've known him the dating equivalent of 5 mintues. 'Sorry, but after having a think about what suits me best in a relationship, I feel we're incompatible. I need to move on. Wishing you the best in the future. -lottie' The end!

flippinada · 04/10/2017 12:14

lottie I think it's fine to send something like that. Something along the lines of "I've been giving it some thought and I don't feel things will work out between us". Maybe soften it a bit if you want.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2017 12:16

ANY time your gut/instinct/mind tells you something's amiss, you're not feeling 100% about it, whatever, then you dump. You're right! Never talk yourself into going further with someone. Get Gavin de Becker's book 'The Gift of Fear'. LISTEN to yourself!

DawsonsShitCreek · 04/10/2017 12:16

I had a boyfriend just like this. We'd sit down to watch big brother and he'd give a running commentary on which housemates was "hot" and which ones he "would". Even walking past shop windows he'd comment on the woman in the posters and rate their attractiveness. It made me cringe. Can't be doing with babyish blokes.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/10/2017 12:52

Do whatever you feel comfortable with, you owe him nothing.
If you do text him, don't say 'sorry' !
How about, You've decided not to take the relationship any further, but wish him all the best. Don't reply, if he does.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 13:38

Yes I have weaned myself off saying sorry when I break up with someone.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 04/10/2017 13:56

I agree with all previous posters, it is slimy and in all probablilty the tip of the iceberg. He is testing your boundaries and if you were to make a fuss it would just drive him underground.

I've broken up with men for similar reasons and afterwards always known I did the right thing. Good luck.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 14:25

I've texted him and was straight with him about the reason why and he says he was just being playful.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 14:26

He apparently is very upset that I'm ending it over this

OP posts:
amusedbush · 04/10/2017 14:27

"Playful"? Bleugh. No, he's being fucking disrespectful and acting like a giggly teenage boy. He needs to grow up.

Insomnibrat · 04/10/2017 14:29

'Playful' ??? That isn't playful its horrible, he had no consideration about how you felt.

Don't let him make you feel guilty about this.

Anecdoche · 04/10/2017 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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