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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New relationship & childish behaviour

100 replies

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 09:32

I've been seeing someone for about 2 months and he seemed really nice but he has a habit that irritates me and I'm not sure if I should try to ignore it given that he seems to be a generally good person wrt respecting boundaries. I've noticed that if I'm taking about a programme I've watched he'll say for example that one of the female characters looks hot naked. He also sent me a text when Hugh Hefner died asking me if 'we' should spend the day looking at naked women in his honour(!) this irritated me on many levels, not least because I think Hugh Hefner was a vile creature who had no respect for women.

This is the kind of behaviour I would expect from a 15 year old, not a man in his 30s. Why is he making these comments to me? What does he expect me to reply? And it's not a one off - he does it a lot.

I am not sure whether I can put up with this behaviour because it makes me cringe. Should I end it based on a relatively minor thing like this? I get turned off people by little things and particularly by cringeworthy behaviour. And as I get older I become increasingly intolerant!

OP posts:
WelshMumof1 · 04/10/2017 10:16

If you've told him you find it annoying is he still doing it? Relationships have different dynamics and I would not have a problem if my husband pointed out an attractive woman on screen (in fact he yelled out "boobies" in game of thrones every time there were some around which is certainly not very mature at all but just made me giggle the first time and then roll my eyes...) but if you have a problem, and you've told him you don't like it, it should stop. At 2 months you are still very much learning each others boundaries but when you do find them, you need to acknowledge and respect the other person. How he reacts to being told to stop would be far more telling to me than the fact he's doing it in the first place.

flippinada · 04/10/2017 10:19

Very true shushpenfold.

PaintingOwls · 04/10/2017 10:21

I was expecting farting or silly jokes etc, but this Confused

He wants you to be a "cool girlfriend" who will watch porn wity him and allow strip clubs etc. If that isn't you then you might have to let him go, he'll end up pushing your boundaries or lying to you and hiding what he's up to - then blaming your prudishness when caught.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/10/2017 10:25

It doesn't matter what the 'attitude/trait' is, if it's part of who they are and it annoys you, then you're not compatible. Ending it is the only sane decision. Even if he stopped saying anything, he'd still be that person..

Mostly, minor annoying habits can be changed IF they're willing & everything else makes it worth it, but not 'who' someone is.

TurnipCake · 04/10/2017 10:27

Eugh sounds like a slimy fucker

Talkietalk · 04/10/2017 10:29

My DH and I happily say we fancy a celeb on tv (particularly GOT) but we have been together 12 years and know our boundaries. 2 months in and it going one way constantly can be rather disturbing. Have you explained that you would rather he stop? As someone else said, he could be pushing your boundaries to see where he can take this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/10/2017 10:30

How draining, tell him to jog on ....

amusedbush · 04/10/2017 10:31

Eurgh, gross. I'd rather be alone than put up with that shit.

butterfly56 · 04/10/2017 10:31

Move on the guy's a moron. You can deserve better that him.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 04/10/2017 10:32

It sounds like he has some sort of 'lesbian' fetish or fantasy going on, that he is trying to sound out your feelings on.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2017 10:36

You have to ask?

Get rid.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 10:36

I couldn't be with someone who goes to strip clubs. I wouldn't have a problem with porn if it was ethical porn. But porn rarely is and the way women are depicted is horrible so I can't agree with it.

I'm not insecure about myself - I'm happy with the way I look. I'm probably more insecure with my personality because I have AS so sometimes my communication / interaction is a bit unusual. He understands about my sensory difficulties whereas a lot of NT people get frustrated with me about them. Anyway off topic sorry...

I find it annoying that he has to keep mentioning these things to me all the time.

OP posts:
Talkietalk · 04/10/2017 10:39

It sounds like a core value of yours is incompatible with him - time to move on or discuss your concerns with him if you want it to be serious

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 10:39

He knows I'm not bi. The weird thing is he didn't make inappropriate comments in the beginning - he has just started doing it in the last week or two.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/10/2017 10:41

'I find it annoying that he has to keep mentioning these things to me all the time.'

Then get rid of him!

'The weird thing is he didn't make inappropriate comments in the beginning - he has just started doing it in the last week or two.'

There's nothing weird about it. He was on his best behaviour; now he's showing you who he is.

JessicaEccles · 04/10/2017 10:50

One thing I have found very difficult with AS, is being able to pinpoint what is acceptable behaviour- and what is just gross and pathetic. It is handy to be able to get feedback from other women.

Anecdoche · 04/10/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 04/10/2017 10:56

Glad to see you've decided to dump.

You don't have to put up with listening to this creepy, slimy, immature prick.

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 11:00

Yes Jessica. I also have alexithymia. So i often can't recognise my own feelings let alone work out other people's. AF is right - I do post threads like this a lot!

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/10/2017 11:02

"The weird thing is he didn't make inappropriate comments in the beginning - he has just started doing it in the last week or two."

But you've only been going out two months. Most people don't come out with the kink on the first date. He's been testing your reactions with these comments the whole time.

FWIW I don't think wanting to look at tits with his girlfriend is particularly offensive in the grand scheme, or makes him a bad person. Lots of couples do things together that wouldn't be other people's cups of tea.

But you don't like it. You may as well get rid now. Neither of you are going to change your sexual tastes.

Hortonlovesahoo · 04/10/2017 11:05

Could it be he's trying to end it so is behaving like an arse so you do it instead of him? Maybe he's no got the guts to say so?

StoatofDisarray · 04/10/2017 11:06

Dump him. I wouldn't go out with someone who behaved like that.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 04/10/2017 11:07

Unfortunately, some people do think they can change people's sexual tastes or manipulate them!

lottieandmia · 04/10/2017 11:07

I have no idea Horton. He texts me a lot so I doubt it.

OP posts:
greentea4me · 04/10/2017 11:08

My dh finds farting funny

LTB! Oh, and you too OP.

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