to think if you invite yourself to stay...

[BarbieBarbieBaa]

At someone’s house for a weekend, you should bring a gift or put your hand in your pocket once while you stay?

My sister has just left after staying for a few days. She asked me a few months ago if she could visit, I said yes as hadn’t seen her in a while and she hasn’t seen her nephew since last year. My DH ended up working away while she was here so the idea of company was great! No matter though as this was planned before we knew he was away.

She didn’t offer to pay for anything whilst here, didn’t bring a bottle of wine, not even a present for her nephew. I’m feeling really annoyed at this as we always treat her to a meal out when we visit. She isn’t tight for cash even though she loves to plead poverty at ever chance, this is just a fiction as she had bragged about her finances when in an unguarded moment. What makes it worse is she didn’t offer to help with looking after DS at all, and would happily watch me struggle with him until a snapped at her to do something.

Yes, it's incredibly bad manners when staying overnight, and being family doesn't make a difference. If you don't take a gift, you should buy a meal. I always do this.

It's not a recent thing as far as many people are concerned. It's what you automatically do. If others do not, yet expect to be hosted, then yes, I will judge them. Rightly so. Family and other guests should always bring small gifts. It's what nice people do.

This is interesting. One of my friends is coming to visit from 3 hours away. Whilst he's staying in my home, he's doing lots of travel to get here, which I think evens it out. But then I clearly have double standards because I think I would take something if it was me staying at someone else's!

I'm with Rightontheedge. I live my family and certainly don't expect anything when they come to visit. They treat it like a home from home and I wouldn't have it any other way. I find the whine courtesy around gift giving even visiting immediate, close family really strange. The same for my very closest friends. They visit, I take care of them without expecting anything in return. It's called kindness.

What QueenUnicorn said

I guess I'm in the minority disagreeing when family is concerned. Especially if you only see them once in a while, it suggests they live quite far away, and there would be a certain travel cost/effort. In that respect, I think the family member in question has paid enough to come see family, without adding gifts into the mix, though a token thought would have been nice.

What makes it worse is she didn’t offer to help with looking after DS at all, and would happily watch me struggle with him until a snapped at her to do something.

What exactly did you want her to do with your son? She wasn't there to babysit or tell him off, that must have been quite awkward for her and not a polite way to treat a guest. Does she even have her own children?

I dont need gifts or to be treated to meals out, I value the company. but then I visit and have visitors I like/want - sounds like you dont like your sister?

I probably wouldn't bring anything if staying at family's. But when I go to my brother's I will contribute to food etc and try (he resists me paying!) to take him and his gf out for a meal. Last time I went a bit overboard as I thought I'd try the amazon pantry delivery thing. I ordered a box full of stuff to his house but am terrible with knowing how much "1kg" or whatever is... and ended up ordering him enough dried pasta and loo roll that he's still using them 9 months on he said to me "Do you think we don't have pasta in Exeter?!"

if she invites herself again, say no, knowing you wont have to fork out

Curly - my family and I are like this - I ahd a call over the weekend to say Id left sausages in the freezer for the breakfast I was going to cook that I never got around to - told them to save for next time!

I live in a nice flat in central London, so I have friends from outside London/UK to stay quite often. I do not expect a gift; why should I? Having friends to stay should be rewarding for both parties: you get to hang out with people you love, and do fun things with them, break up the routine of your life (I don't normally take time off work when they visit); conversely, they pay to get to you, they have taken time off work, and are away from their home comforts.

My attitude is that while they are under my roof, they should treat the place as if it was their own home. If they seem shy about raiding the fridge, I will ask them regularly if they want something to eat or drink, and I always find out beforehand what they like to eat for breakfast and get some in.

Ditto, if I plan on cooking, I make sure I cook something they like. If they're staying for a few days, I give them a set of keys. I will rotate between cooking meals (they wash up without being asked), going for dinner in a pub/local restaurant (they always offer to pay, and I let them), or getting a takeaway (for which I pay), so that I'm not constantly in the kitchen.

I love having friends to stay but my friends are not CFs: I know this makes me very lucky. I once had someone to stay who brought a gift and then proceeded to get extremely drunk every night, insult random stuff from my brand of salt to my taste in films, and ruined some sheets by sleeping on them with wet red-dyed hair (a hairdryer and shower caps were available!). She also expected me to pay for everything, including her lunches at Pret. She didn't get a second invitation.
tl;dr: don't invite anyone to stay that you don't love; treat guests kindly, not as an inconvenience; gifts are not important, and don't make up for being a shit guest.

I agree with Stoat. I really don't understand this expectation and feeling of entitlement that if you have somebody to stay then you have your hand out. Don't invite people if you feel that way, it's easier.

Doing this to family? No. Why?

Just 'go NC' and seethe inwardly...

I always take flowers, chocolates and booze when going to someone’s house, as does all our social circle. however we recently had a couple to stay with us who we hadn’t seen for a long time, they asked to come, they came empty handed, I cooked for them, they sat and drank our booze all night, stayed the night, had their brekkie provided by us the next morning and left.

I found it strange to be honest and slightly outside the norm. Delighted to see them and would have them back in a shot, but I did find it slightly rude as I wouldn’t dream of doing it myself.

I never bring gifts for immediate family, and I don't expect them. I appreciate if a friend staying wants to contribute some food or booze.

It's just decency to contribute something. Feeding someone 3 times a day for just a couple of days quickly adds up.

If I stayed with people I would always take a gift or take them out to dinner etc
It’s mean not to imho.
It wouldn’t matter if it was family or not.
Manners are sadly vanishing these days.

Depends whether they invite themselves or we invite them

If we invite them, then no, I don't expect anything

We live in a popular holiday area and regularly get people inviting themselves for a free holiday to stay and yes, I do expect them to contribute. I think turning up empty handed in those circumstances is extremely rude

Of course it's nice if people bring you something, family or not, it's the expectation of it that's absolutely crass.

If you host then host willingly and graciously or do everybody a favour and don't bother.

I wouldn't expect a gift but I'd expect her to pay towards food she would be using whilst there. She asked to stay, you didn't invite her.

Absolutely LyingWitch - if people want to do it then its lovely - to expect it and then get uppity about it when not provided is rude. OP just dont invite/allow them to invite themselves in future

If it is family I wouldn't expect anything at all. Friends - I still wouldn't 'expect' but generally friends do bring a token gift anyway. If people come and stay then their company is more than enough for us!

I think it's a bit mean she didn't bring a pressie for your son, especially if she hadn't seen him for a year.

Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I have friends to stay quite often as I live in London but have a lot of friends who live up North, and I'm lucky enough to have a tiny spare room that I can offer people.

It's never occurred to me that people should bring a gift when they come, but now I think about it I do think I'd take something for the host if the situation was reversed. I can't bring myself to get worked up about it, though.

I do expect people to contribute to food when they stay, though. I'm happy to cook something fairly simple for everyone one night out of my normal grocery shop, but we also tend to plan and go food shopping for one 'special' meal during their stay and they usually offer a tenner or buy the wine for that. And if we go out for dinner or get a takeaway then people always chip in. I'd find it very rude if they didn't.

That said, if it's become the routine that she stays and you always buy a meal out, then she may well just think that's what you want to do and have no idea that there's a problem. Next time can't you just be honest and say you'd prefer to split the bill this time if that's OK with her?

I get the OP's annoyance. If the sister is coming time and time again, empty handed and expecting to be fed and watered then it is a bit rude - especially if she invited herself. I really don't agree that somebody paying for travelling costs makes it okay to bludge off somebody else, family or not. Does your sister reciprocate OP?

I also think that as siblings it isn't okay to not contribute and expect the other sibling to pick up the tab all the time. Perhaps staying with parents might be different.

I totally disagree that travelling costs mitigate the need for contribution or a gesture of appreciation. It rude to treat somebody else's home as a free hotel or spa, family or not. Even going to somebody's house for a meal it is polite to bring wine or flowers never mind staying somewhere for days at a time.

It's not become a thing. It's always been a thing. Remember people turning up with a little cake they've made etc., flowers from the garden.

I think it's rude to turn up empty handed. She may be family but she has a young nephew. Even when single (pre kids) I would turn up with a couple of comics and bag of haribo then take the kids to the playground for a couple of hours. Because I wanted to - it's a nice gesture.

She asked months ago, so she doesn't live around the corner, it was a planned stay over not 'popping in' and she is not short of money, just manners.