To be sad the preschool gates are like reliving my own school days?

[meangirlsforever]

Maybe I'm naive (sadly I'm no longer young so can't blame that), so please be kind! I was bullied in secondary school but went on to have nice friends at uni and during my career, which was in journalism, so we were generally on the arty/geeky side. Now I'm a SAHM and made good friends at the baby groups. BUT! LO has just started preschool and I feel like I'm back to school myself. Most of the mums are so shiny and put together, and despite my efforts, aren't interested in including me in their chats at all. It feels like Mean Girls, and I caught myself racking my brains how to get 'in' with them - then I stopped and logged in here. How do you navigate this? How do I make friends with them? I never figured it out the first time do have no clue now :( (Name change as this is a bit sad). Thank you!

It's preschool. Don't panic. It's not your life...and school will be better.

Don't try with the women who've been less than friendly. Don't bother.

Kids make their own friends anyway and by the time reception rolls around, some will bugger off to other schools anyway.

And beware of projecting your own experiences onto your child too. THey're not you.

But for now, remember, everyone wants to be liked.

You don't need them, you are an international woman of mystery just popping into to pick up your lovely dc before jetting off to something else equally marvellous. Just tell yourself that! Smile, say hi, then crack on with your life.

Seriously, you don't need them. I mean if you happen to meet someone you click with great, but the only thing you have in common is dc of a similar age. Stick headphones in if you don't want to feel awkward and listen to a podcast or something. You obviously have friends, so there's nothing wrong with you, so just live your own life

I feel like you and tbh have stopped trying. I drop off as close to 9am as possible and turn up at the time school ends, not a minute earlier. Sunglasses on and ignore the cliques completely. I spent years hoping and trying to make friends with parents in the playground while older children were at primary and am utterly dreading starting again with DD (3) next year. So my plan is to stay aloof because there's no point in not being myself to impress others. All I have in common with most of them is children of the same age, and that's really no basis for a friendship! Obviously if people talk to me then I'll have a conversation but I couldn't care less any more about the mums who ignore me.

Just smile and nod and see who your dd chums up with. Personally I dropped and ran like the wind.

Why do you want to be friends with them? Do you have to spend time with them for some reason? I just dropped my child off and then dashed off, polite and friendly to anyone whose face I recognised, but that's about it.

The parents generally chat with people they know already ime. If you want to make friends then I'd give the opposite advice to that you've had and say arrive a bit early for pick up. It tends to be the same few people who are early each day and once you've chatted to them a few times they'll seek each other out.
And once your dc has made some little friends and they've had play dates you will probably end up chatting to the parents of your dcs friends. Some may become your friends and some may just remain parents of your dcs friends that you make polite chat with to arrange the kids social lives at drop off and pick up.
I always think that talking about cliques etc sounds exceptionally paranoid. I'm pretty sure parents don't get together with the aim of excluding anyone. They are just chatting to people they know like we all do.

When you just start preschool it feels like everyone else knows each other.

The people that were there last year know each other.
Those who have older dc who also went there also know each other.

So that leaves not a huge number of people.

And the people who know each other aren't being a clique or ignoring you, they're doing exactly what you would do in the same circumstance-speaking to those they know.

So you have a choice:

1. Ignore and stand to one side muttering to yourself about cliques.
2. Look round and see if there's someone else on their own and go over and start conversations. With small children it's easy. "Is he your first?" "Do you know XYZ?" "Everyone else seems to know each other, do you know anyone else?"
3. Join in with the people that know each other. They'll almost certainly be happy for you to join in. A good way of starting is to ask a question. "I'm new here and I'm not sure what it means by XYZ/Do we have to take a gift for harvest..?" Most people are happy to give information and then you've started a conversation.

I wouldn't bother if I were you, OP. 9 times out of 10 if I got friendly with someone at the school gates, I regretted it in the end.

I agree with corbyn. They're not looking to exclude they just know each other. Arrive early say good morning comment on the weather. Don't put so much pressure on yourself & also on others to include you. I think we forget how to make friends & not everyone makes school mum friends.

I don't see the school gates as somewhere to meet new friends really. Most people just want to get the drop off/collection done and head off.
I do chat to people there but they tend to be people I know from other places like playgroups, the playground, people who are clise neighbours etc. I didn't meet them at school, they just happen to have to be there at the same time I do.
Just relax about it.

If you have to push your way in don't bother. No good will come of it

I don't talk to anyone at the school gates really, a friendly "hi" to anyone who looks my way but that's it really. These people are not my friends, we just happen to have kids in the same class. I'm not interested in making friends. I don't know why anyone has a need to make friends with school parents really.

I never really cracked it (DS now in Year 8). After a while there were two or three who I could about pass the time of day with.
I had already realised, though, that it would be a bit like that. I'm an older mum (had DS at 39) and single, in an area where most of the others are either a lot younger than me or we just have nothing in common - after 3 years of toddler groups.

I decided not to let it bother me. I've got friends already - and as long as no one was actively nasty to me I wasn't going to lose any sleep.

Given that, around Year 4, word got out that one school gate mum had fallen out so badly with another school gate mum that the police had been involved, I decided I'd probably dodged a bullet.

There are a lot of these threads and I feel sorry for school mums who have friends!! They are vilified for being cliquey, looking nice and not smiling at absolutely every single person they pass at the school gates.

It is a shame if some people are insecure/shy and it takes them back to being bullied at school, but it isn't anyone elses fault really.

If you're shy and manage a timid hello, why should the onus be on someone else to initiate conversation, just because you perceive them to be more confident than you?

I am a very shy person and wouldn't just walk up to someone I didn't know and start talking to them, but I do speak to a few mums at school.

I'm not best mates with any of them, but can bring myself to say, hi, how is x liking their new class etc.

Urghhh. Reading this has reminded me why I hated school drop off/pick up so much.

How to navigate? As another poster put it - Drop and Run. These women are unlikely to become your friends. The school run can be incredibly clique-y at worst, and at best they already know each other anyway and aren't actually ignoring you.

Don't overthink it. If you are short of social interaction the school gates aren't the best place to find it.

^What she said^^

Yep, arrive a bit early. Everyone's in the same boat. When i see someone I know, I think 'thank god!' and chat to her. There are lots of other people I'd like to chat to but I'm being silly shy - which is not really like me in real life but school pick up seems weirdly different!!
Don't take it for granted that they don't want to talk to you - maybe they are a bit insecure too

Why do people get so invested in making school mum friends? I just did what I do anywhere and made small talk with them. Some I've clicked with and our kids get on so have met up outside of school and others I just exchange pleasantries with. I never set out to make friends and my number 1 priority at school run time is picking up and dropping off my kid on time 😂

Thank you everyone! These are all really sensible replies and I appreciate everyone was kind about it :) I am very lucky in that I have lots of great friends, including mums from toddler groups, so I don't NEED more friends from preschool. I guess it just felt natural to me to make some friends of people I'll see often, like when you start and new job etc. Oh and I'm def not shy, I've really made the effort. One thing I stupidly hadn't thought about was the these women do all seem to know each other from having older kids etc so obviously they're going to chat... I will def try not to take it personally but will be following some of the great advice here. Thank you xxx

There is a big age difference with my kids and I felt exactly the same as you do when it came to the school run (with my eldest). With my youngest I'm more relaxed and have got to know and chat with other mums. One or two I now socialise with outside school and go running with etc. I don't think they generally mean to exclude its just they know each other and feel comfortable. Just say hello and as you get involved in school activities/trips you'll start to make some friendships. You sound lovely and please don't worry about what happened in secondary school.

I reckon there's a bit of both. There are too many threads and too many real life experiences to go on to say cliques aren't there.

In the early days, I used to make eye contact and smile at the wrong people only to be ignored. I've had actual hellos ignored too and I don't have two heads or social problems.

Ignorant people do exist. Fortunately, I wised up and became a better judge of character and did relax about it. My youngest is in year 4. It is a large school and I speak to a handful of people. I like it that way

I would still never ignore anyone who spoke to me, though

@gandalf456 This! It was a hello that got ignored that upset me today! But playing devil's advocate, maybe they were in a rush or had other things on their mind?! Hmmmmm. 🤔

When I do the school run, I look pretty 'put together' (because I'm going to work) and I know a few people from other places so might chat here and there. But I have no interest whatsoever in meeting new people - I'm not good in the mornings and it's far too much hard work to try to think of things to say to people I don't know (with people I do know it's mainly a grunt and a few complaints tbh!). Maybe people see me as cliquey, stuck up, snobby, whatever but frankly that's their problem. I'm not, I'm lovely but I'm at school to do a job - drop the kids off and get to myself to work - I'm not there to socialise.

I felt like this when dd first started. DH said I had to make an effort to approach people rather than expect them approach me, because everyone feels a bit awkward, and naturally gravitates towards the people they aready know.

He was right. I made the effort, stopped to introduce myself, asked about their kids, chatted about anything, was cheerful, and smiley with everyone. Pretty soon people started to stop to chat to me, and it got even easier after a few saturdays spent hanging round chatting at parties. I have loads of friends now.

I'm shy, and if I hadn't made the effort I'd still scurrying in with my head down.