To be sad the preschool gates are like reliving my own school days?

[meangirlsforever]

Maybe I'm naive (sadly I'm no longer young so can't blame that), so please be kind! I was bullied in secondary school but went on to have nice friends at uni and during my career, which was in journalism, so we were generally on the arty/geeky side. Now I'm a SAHM and made good friends at the baby groups. BUT! LO has just started preschool and I feel like I'm back to school myself. Most of the mums are so shiny and put together, and despite my efforts, aren't interested in including me in their chats at all. It feels like Mean Girls, and I caught myself racking my brains how to get 'in' with them - then I stopped and logged in here. How do you navigate this? How do I make friends with them? I never figured it out the first time do have no clue now :( (Name change as this is a bit sad). Thank you!

"Really for" not "really fit" thought they are arguably really fit

But again, if they're a bit aloof and you don't like that, then why try to be their friends? I'm sure they don't want a friend who doesn't really like them.

I felt like this when dd first started. DH said I had to make an effort to approach people rather than expect them approach me, because everyone feels a bit awkward, and naturally gravitates towards the people they aready know
^This

You cannot control how other people behave. You can only make a choice yourself to try and be sociable. It's difficult, cringing and embarrassing to do it but it's worth it.

I find it hard and sometimes feel like I've made a tit of myself but I've had to force it as my dcs joined a school a few years in, so I didn't know anyone.

I haven't made any friends yet but have enough people to natter to. I understand that you get out what you put in so try and put in more.

All I can is be yourself, unapologetically, entirely, yourself.

You say you're a bit geeky, well own that. Don't feel you need to fit in. I tried to fit in at preschool, made no friends. Looking back.I wasn't being me and it made me uncomfortable to be around. Now dd is at school I've dug my weirdo artsy fartsy clothes out, starting acting like my actual self. Low and behold I don't go a day without striking up friendly chat with others.

Do you think your wanting to fit in is comprising your personality a little?

When my eldest started the pre-school, it took me a well over a year before it occurred to me to chat to other parents at the pick up time . But I was comfortable standing there on my own and I kinda assumed it was like the nursery where you mind your own business and just go in and out and don't really see never mind talk to other parents.

Eventually I got to know some mums, depending on who my child liked to play with. There were still loads of parents that I never really chatted to. In the end I made two really good friends but those friendships developed towards the end of the second year. So, it may take time and even if it doesn't, it's no biggie.

When did it become ‘a thing’ to be mates with every other Mum at school? The only thing you have in common is that your children attend the same class. Why can’t people be friends with some mums and not others? Why do you want to be friends with random strangers?

My DD didn’t go to her new school’s pre-School so I’m one of a few ‘new’ mums. I’m there to drop her off and pick her up, I’ll chat and be pleasant but I have enough friends, I don’t need more. They’re all pally as they know each other from last year, but I couldn’t care less.

Agree with everything sparrow said

I'm new to the 'school gates' and knew a few Mum's of the kids my DC is friendly with from preschool, but wouldn't describe them as my friends. Just people I chat to to pass the time while waiting for my child.

It never occurred to me to try and be friendly to others or make them feel 'included' in my idol chit chat. No more than I would try and include someone standing behind me in the queue at Tesco's.

It's not like a work situation where I would make an effort to talk to a newbie and make them feel welcome.

If you want to make friends with others that's on you to make the effort, not everyone else.

I found the preschool year really hard. It felt like everyone knew each other.

However my DD is now in year 3 and I have slowely made friends. Some are just school gate friends who I pass the time with while waiting, but I have also made a really close friend and we go around to each other's most week. I've also made some drinking friends.

But the attitude I took was I don't need knew friends, as had pleanty. But any extra is a bonus. I find generally most people are kind, remember they are no longer teenager girls!

BUT warning!!!!! Some drama will enevitably happen, KEEP OUT OF IT!!!! Be Switzerland 🇨🇭 (neutral). This will make life so much easier.

Oh also, you may think that they all look happy and so carefree.

It is likely that many of them will have been crying while hiding in the bathroom at some point! Because we've all been there 😬

Titaloy ageee with you OhDear and op I bet she didn’t actually cut you as that would be very strange. I honestly am a bit deaf and have ‘ignored’ people quite innocently. It was probably that.

Take a book. I met one of my besties ten years ago because she read a book at pick up and it drew me like a moth to a flame :-) Find your tribe.

This is a stealth-boast for being on time at the school gates, right?

Be your Wonderful, Authentic self!

Try not to make Assumptions & if you Do, Don't take it personally!

Be True to yourself, put a Smile on your face & Be positive! Some ppl will Like You, some Won't But that's OK!

If someone Behaves badly, that's on them, don't give it a second of your Time!

Be Kind & you will be Fine, All the Best💕

I have a friend who had a similar situation-she was bullied and excluded at school, and went on to perceive that she was having the same experience at the school gate when her son started school. Maybe it's a coincidence, or maybe you project your experience of school in some way? I Another friend always found it easy to make small talk and fit in at school and she's had the same experience now her daughter is at school.

I was a teacher and once had a mum request a meeting, during which she discussed the fact that she felt excluded by the other mums at the school gate and didn't think anyone liked her. They we're the most warm, approachable group of parents we ever had at the school, and watching from the outside she actually wasn't making as much effort as she thought she was at the school gate-she was coming across as shy and awkward. When she started approaching people and chatting, they welcomed her into the group.

Half the time, lots of parents feel awkward so stick by the people they've got to know a little bit, which can come across as territorial.

I actually do the opposite to what's suggested upthread when I'm collecting my daughter from nursery-I get there early so I can say hi to other mums as they turn up. I don't particularly "need" any new friends, but my three year old daughter certainly does during her first term at nursery-I don't see chatting at the gates for my benefit. I'd like to get to know some other parents so we can arrange play dates, and so I have a bit of a reference point when she's chatting about who she played with.

It sounds like you're also pre-judging slightly, by ascribing characteristics to women you see as 'put together'. As PPs have said, they may be on their way into work, or just enjoy dressing in a certain way.

I say this with kindness, but it's possible that you may not quite have the self-awareness to understand how you comes across when you make that judgement; people can tell when they're being 'appraised'.

I had this the other day at the airport - a brazen looking-up-and-down by the lady in front of me in the queue. I have no idea whether the verdict was positive or negative, but it most certainly did not endear me to her.

Thank you everyone - lots of food for thought here and I definitely take on board the advice about pre-judging and letting my own experience cloud my views ... looking forward to seeing how things go with your words ringing in my ears! Oh and I think a big part of this is like the last person said - I want to make friends not just for me but for my lo's benefit and obviously also meet nice people who are part of the same community. Heaven help me when it's time for the actual school gates 🙄

Just finished with primary school here. What a relief! Secondary school you don't see any parents at all. I made three really good friends from the primary but the rest were horrid and judgey so I'm glad we've gone.

I've definitely formed better relationships are primary school. No friendships as such just a hello small chat.

I found some more aloof when my first DC started Nursery pre school. After 2nd dc I realised alot of mums have done this before, its possibly their 2nd or 3rd child in preschool. Its probably their 3Rd drop of the morning. Rushing to get to work or get home, it's not new to them like it is with your first child.