To still feel traumatised a year after birth / nicu?

[TammySwansonTwo]

My twins recently turned 1. Their arrival and the first few months were not happy times for me - unexpected and rushed emergency section, didn't get to see the babies, both taken straight to nicu, separated for a long time, unable to hold or feed them, one was only in for a couple of weeks but the other was diagnosed with a rare condition and was in for two months. I was in a terrible state - a baby at home with an NG tube, trying and failing to bf, pumping every couple of hours, recovering from the section, nasty infection and a brewing case of PND. Every night I lay awake imaging my other baby crying for me and me not being there. Just thinking about it now breaks my heart. When people asked me at the time I said I was fine, I thought I was. I shared photos on facebook and said all the right things but now I have Facebook showing me those posts and photos every day and I see a very sick baby (I didn't even notice how sick he looked at the time) and I was just completely shut down. I don't feel right complaining about it since my boys both survived and are doing relatively well, and many are not so fortunate.

I don't think I realised at the time how traumatised I was and now I can't stop things from that time coming into my head and crying about it. It's like a delayed reaction or something, I don't know. I constantly worry that all the separation has really harmed them and I have so much guilt about not being there more once the first one came home, even though I did my best.

My gynaecologist is telling me I need a hysterectomy but I don't feel like I can make a decision on that - I've been adamant I don't want any more children and I think that's because of how things went and my fear of going through that again (and the fact that I'm so exhausted and these two little terrors will not sleep!). I just feel like this isn't the right time to decide on more children because I think my feelings on that are still so affected by what happened and the lack of sleep, but in the meantime I'm living in a lot of pain that could be improved by the surgery and not being as good a mum as I could be maybe. I just feel paralysed by the trauma (even though I hate using that word as it doesn't seem fitting) of what happened and my fear of it happening again.

Will I get past this or do I need to do something about it? I feel like I should be over it, my boys and I survived... I just don't feel okay at all.

First of all, be kind to yourself. You've been though a terrible ordeal and a year isn't a long time. For me, when it came to my traumatic birth and PND, things DID start to feel better after a year. I don't know why - I guess it started to feel like more of a distant memory and I spent less time dwelling and re-living things. Antidepressants helped too.

I think you should speak to your GP about getting some counselling and/or a birth debrief from the hospital. There should be a specialist midwife who handles that kind of thing. And don't rule out medication if you feel very low all the time.

YANBU. Why on earth would you expect everything to be okay just because everyone is still alive?

You should definitely 'do something about it', not because you response to the events are abnormal in any way - they aren't, but because you deserve not to be living a life paralysed by trauma!

Do please seek help with processing the trauma and dealing with the emotional fall out. I waited for 4 years on the basis it would sort itself out and it didn't....while 3 months of therapy from the right person and I got my life back.

Imagine thinking this way about having a broken leg....

My leg is broken and I'm still in pain a year later.....should I do something about it?

Damage to your mind/mental health is just as worthy of treatment as damage to your body.

I think a year isn’t that far on from what you’ve experienced and it’s no wonder you still feel traumatised. You’re deep in motherhood, putting one foot in front of the other, with no space or time to deal with what happened.

Very similar thing happened with my youngest and when his first birthday came round, I was catapulted back, remembering a time when he hadn’t been born and all the hope and excitement for his arrival. What happened with his birth, NICU, the complications he had, just played in my head on a loop.

I went to a counsellor who specialised in birth trauma when he was 18 months. I just needed to get it out and stop pretending everything was ok. Please take that time for yourself and see someone. You’ve done the hardest part - be kind to yourself.

So sorry for what you've been through. I've had similar although several years ago. It does get better but its absolutely not unusual for traumatic events to haunt you months or years afterward (and this absolutely counts as traumatic). Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to understand that you have been through a massive amount and there is no set time by which you 'should' be over it. It makes perfect sense that now the twins are doing well you can relax slightly and start to process what happened to you - when everything is life or death you do shut down in order to get through it.

EMDR therapy really helped me with the PTSD instrusive thoughts and flashbacks. See if you can get a referral for this (or could you go privately? It doesn't take many sessions).

Unless its a time critical health issue, parking the discussions about a hysterectomy for now seems the sensible thing to do. One thing at a time. Does your gynae know how bad you've been feeling mentally?

Please don't tell yourself you have no right to feel like this because some have it worse. If you had a sprained ankle it would still hurt, regardless of whether someone else might have a broken leg!

I hope things start to feel better for you soon.

OP I've could have written your post five years ago.

I felt like I didn't really process anything until my twins were just turned one. For one I didn't actually have any time then, i was in a fog of no sleep and stress and secondly, I only really believed they would survive once they got that bit bigger. I won't derail your thread but they were pretty sick.

I had a bit of a mini breakdown and overwhelming anxiety together with undiagnosed PND.

Once I started to talk about it i felt a lot better, I didn't see a counselor in the end but I did go back to work which took my mind off things a bit as well.

I still feel guilty now that I didn't feel the way I think i should have done. I don't think anyone really ever asked how I was doing as all the focus was on the babies as it should have been but I strongly believe there needs to be more support for families in the NICU.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts and I'm sorry others have struggled in the same way. I actually saw a maternity counseller which I was pregnant (I was struggling with birth phobia due to some distressing experiences with gynae treatment in the past) and I called her to cancel a session when they were born early - she was asking me if I was okay and I remember saying (and believing) I was absolutely fine because I didn't feel anything at all. Looking back I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have been feeling nothing, but I was so focussed on them that I didn't stop to think about how I felt.

I fear if I have another baby it will because there's a part of me that wants to do it "properly" - the lovely post birth cuddles and skin to skin and taking my baby home when I go home, actually being able to breastfeed etc. I fear all their sleep issues are down to insecurity because I wasn't there. Even when they were in nicu I never asked to hold them, only held them when the nurses offered, and I have no idea why - it wasn't that I didn't want to, think I was just numb really.

The counsellor did say I could be referred back if I needed to see her, but was thinking that maybe I've waited too long and they wouldn't see me after this amount of time. That's probably not the case so I will look into going back.

May have to go into Facebook and delete old posts or something because I don't think I can face having two months of daily reminders of the whole situation every year... just after the second came home he got sick and ended up being admitted to HDU with whooping cough, so really its more like three months.

Thanks everyone - you're absolutely right, I will speak to my doctor about it

crunchermuncher I just explained to him that I didn't really feel ready to make the decision and he was fine with that, and just told me to call them when I am ready. Spoke to my husband about it and we both agree this is not the time to decide something so huge.

You know all your feelings are normal, don't you? That there's no one way to experience what you've experienced. After DS2 was born the nurses were determined to get me to the NICU to see him and I couldn't understand why. I didn't want to see him - I was completely overwhelmed. He was in the best place, my husband had been to see him. I didn't want to go but went along with them. Ended up fainting. All part of the trauma the counsellor helped me unpick.

dantd yes. There should definitely be more support. I don't think anyone really asked, but then I would have said I was fine anyway. I've actually started a very part time job working as a maternity Voices rep so I can hopefully help to improve maternity services, which gives me a bit of purpose. However, I had to go back into the nicu a few weeks ago for the first time since we left for a meeting and I think that has contributed too.

I definitely feel like some kind of breakdown is imminent - I too am struggling badly with anxiety and often feel like I'm not coping, but then things improve a bit and I put it off. I'm seeing my doctor on Friday so I will definitely discuss it with them.

Thank you eyeofthestorm - it helps to know that others reacted the same way. I guess with past experiences that have been traumatic I've known right away that I've felt traumatised, so this has been a different and slightly confusing experience.

I feel like I could have written this myself. My twins were born at 30 weeks by emergency section, requiring extensive resuscitation . I wasn't able to see them for 3 days and then another 3 days before I could hold them. I was totally and utterly numb.

After about two weeks I started having awful anxiety dreams, mainly of losing something precious like a necklace or my wedding ring. I would also retch every time I put food in my mouth so was losing weight rapidly. A Bliss volunteer on our neonatal thankfully picked up on this during a chat one afternoon and gently suggested I see my GP. I did and was put on Sertraline which worked quickly and meant I was mentally able to deal with the girls coming home six weeks later. I'm still on it now.

After a few months I had a birth debrief with my midwives which I found helpful in coming to terms with things but I still feel traumatised by what happened. Their first birthday was very difficult and I had a panic attack on the day as we were in the same hospital visiting my father in law. However, as I approach their second birthday, I will say that things have got a lot better. I'm sure there will be some upset but I'm not scared of it as I was last year.

My advice would be to speak with your GP and perhaps also contact the Birth Trauma Association. People often said to me that I should be grateful because myself and the girls were OK but the brain doesn't work like that. Well done on getting through such a tough time, you are doing a fabulous job but also need to look after yourself. Feel free to DM me if you'd like. Xx

It’s an incredibly traumatic thing to have a prem baby and have to leave it in scbu . My son was take away before I saw him and I didn’t meet him for 48 hours . We were both really sick . He was there a month and life went on while I cared for my daughter . It was a horrible horrible time . My son is 6 and has sn , I only just feel ok about it now .. be kind to yourself . X

I didn't even begin any form of trauma therapy until one year after the birth, it took time that long just to process how awful I felt.

It's never too late. But start now. X

Op I just want to tell you that my baby didn't sleep at 1yo despite vaginal birth, skin to skin, being fully breastfed, sleeping in room with us etc etc - some babies just don't sleep and it's not due to CS/difficulty feeding etc. They just won't sleep.

Even if you do everything "by the book" many babies still won't sleep. My friend had a text book pregnancy, everything perfect, glowing, went into labour on due date, good age, low risk yadda yadda then had emcs complete with massive haemorrhage.

B1rd big hugs to you. It's amazing how much your brain shuts down. I saw an old FB post the other day where someone asked me what was happening with my poorlier twin and i had written a huge list of issues he was having and I remember none of that happening at all. He has an ongoing condition which was fortunately diagnosed in nicu as it means he is doing well now where others are not so lucky, but it's still a constant worry, constantly giving meds and testing blood sugars and worrying about him. For the first 7 months I pumped every 2 hours, it became a complete obsession because it was the only thing I'd been able to do for them when they were small, and I couldn't let go of it. I feel for anyone who's been through this and it's just not spoken about - it's not a bereavement so you're supposed to just feel lucky and move on but there does feel like an element of loss to the situation. It's all very hard to wrap your head round and I think everyone is here is right that I need a bit of help with it.

Thanks elevenclips - it's so hard when all the mums around you have babies who sleep through or maybe wake up once, and mine sometimes wake every hour, not always at the same time, it starts to feel like you're just doing everything wrong or have already screwed them up!

DS1's birth shook me up, and not on the scale of prematurity, prolonged NICU stays and dealing with the practicality of twins in different situations that you have dealt with.

It takes a while to process that the birth has been traumatic because you're too wrapped up in your own recovery and life with a new baby.

It flared up for me on DS's first two birthdays and I cried on both. While I was happy for his birthday, he was too young to appreciate it, and I think the tricky thing with birth trauma is that split between birth being socially treated as a happy occasion, yet also being physically and mentally traumatic, it can be those opposing emotions rolled into one.

As a child develops, the trauma of their birth and early days does fade and assuming they have escaped long term consequences, it becomes a less significant part of their life. I found at 3, DS's enjoyment of his birthday made it a birthday and a happy occasion, rather than the anniversary of a difficult day. But if it is affecting you like this, please don't wait years to see if it fades, get help.

(At DS's 2nd birthday, I was a good way through pregnancy and it rose up as panic for DS2's birth. I approached the MW team and got support towards preparing for the birth. Having a calmer labour and better birth although not without it's own difficulties and injuries did resolve some of my baggage although this isn't the angle of assistance that you need)

So sorry you've been through this, OP. Those feelings you describe are very common among women who have had an experience like yours. Don't beat yourself up about what are completely normal and understandable reactions.
I represent the Birth Trauma Association, which supports women who have had a traumatic birth and who may have postnatal PTSD.

Both trauma-focused CBT and EMDR are treatments that can help. See if you can go back to your GP and ask for a referral.

If you want to talk to other women who have had a similar experience, you're welcome to join our Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/TheBTA/

Oh darling. I had a similar experience, albeit with a singleton who nearly died and a long time in NICU and hospital thereafter. I'm 18 months on from it and I still struggle with many aspects of it. I still call my DC 'the baby' because I couldn't bring myself to give a name for a long time, and it's so ingrained even still. I have had a lot of therapy. I really didn't think I needed it but my HV and latterly family members kind of frogmarched me to a charity which specialises in this kind of stuff. I'd rather not say which as it's local and quite identifying, but if you contact Bliss they will be able to tell you what is local to you. Try to get as much talking therapy as you can bear. I didn't gel with my first counsellor, but she sensed it and suggested I switch to a different counsellor within the same practice. I loved my second therapist and to this day I will be grateful to her for rescuing me, for making me start to enjoy parenthood, and indeed life again.

I don't think many people can go through this and get out OK on the other side without lots of pro help. You might look ok on the outside but it you haven't properly dealt with your grief at what happened, you will just store it up. Because it is a grieving process- you are grieving for the birth experience you were denied, and for the loss of those early months/ longer.

My boy is nearly six and I still feel sick reading these posts and remembering it all. It's a horrific, horrific time and I just want to give you a big hug OP. What you're feeling is totally normal and I wish I'd pursued counselling - you definitely should if you can x

OP what you're feeling is so so normal after such a traumatic start.

DS2 was very poorly and in and out of hospital until he was over 2 (now 7.5). At the time I claimed I was 'fine' and was pretty detached from it. I had DS1 who was only 20 months and all my energy went into the physical tasks of caring for him and a sick child. To the outside I coped amazing, everyone commented on it!

But then it hit me when he started pre-school and I had major panic attacks about his safety and realized how deep rooted this massive anxiety was that I'd never dealt with. He had a couple of minor issues but was otherwise perfectly healthy so I couldn't understand why I was feeling so awful.

I went to my GP who was brilliant, saw a counselor for 6 months and now I'm in a much much better place. Occasionally something will come back and I have a good cry but I allow myself that as actually it was hard and sad and so I don't beat myself up about it!

I can also identify with your feelings on having another to 'make it right'. I was desperately broody for a while but looking back it wasn't for the right reason, I thought if I had a healthy baby it would make it all ok.

I don't really know what I'm saying but just know you're not alone, these feelings are normal and you have every right to feel as you do xx

op loss of memory or more likely loss of memory of the specifics of what happened at the time are a strong indicator of PTSD and or post traumatic depression.

I found my memories of the traumatic time had been replaced by a general sense of awfulness. In part that meant I constantly felt I'd done something wrong, but couldn't think what, and in part that I had no memory of any of the good things that happened in that time period.

I don't know if that will resonate, but if it does then try to see a trauma specialist if possible.

I also have twins and could have written your post. I don't think anybody can truly know just how hard having twins is until they've done it themselves. It's literally like being a prisoner of war for the first 6 months.

Honestly, you have been an absolute hero to get this far in one piece holding it together as much as you have. It does start getting better around now so hang tight!

Just want to say thank you so much to all of you for making me feel normal - really overwhelmed by all your responses. I generally feel like a terrible mother for feeling so detatched through those early months and I don't think I really allowed myself to bond with either of them for a long time - I felt guilty for having had more time with one and it felt wrong to bond with him when I barely knew my other child. The second needed a lot more care and the first was left to get on with it a lot, although that's sort of reversed now (people told me this would happen with twins and they were right but you still feel guilty over one getting more attention than the other!).

I've met a lot of twin mums through a local group which is great, but they are all coping so well, and I definitely feel like the fuck up of the group. My own physical health has been really bad the last six months or so and everything has just gotten on top of me I think.

It's really reassuring to know that the way I'm feeling, the guilt, the gaps in my memory etc etc aren't unusual and that it can get better - I will definitely seek some help. I just don't want to feel so low any more. Of course, going to counselling will be a challenge when I barely have time to pee but I will figure it out!