To still feel traumatised a year after birth / nicu?

[TammySwansonTwo]

My twins recently turned 1. Their arrival and the first few months were not happy times for me - unexpected and rushed emergency section, didn't get to see the babies, both taken straight to nicu, separated for a long time, unable to hold or feed them, one was only in for a couple of weeks but the other was diagnosed with a rare condition and was in for two months. I was in a terrible state - a baby at home with an NG tube, trying and failing to bf, pumping every couple of hours, recovering from the section, nasty infection and a brewing case of PND. Every night I lay awake imaging my other baby crying for me and me not being there. Just thinking about it now breaks my heart. When people asked me at the time I said I was fine, I thought I was. I shared photos on facebook and said all the right things but now I have Facebook showing me those posts and photos every day and I see a very sick baby (I didn't even notice how sick he looked at the time) and I was just completely shut down. I don't feel right complaining about it since my boys both survived and are doing relatively well, and many are not so fortunate.

I don't think I realised at the time how traumatised I was and now I can't stop things from that time coming into my head and crying about it. It's like a delayed reaction or something, I don't know. I constantly worry that all the separation has really harmed them and I have so much guilt about not being there more once the first one came home, even though I did my best.

My gynaecologist is telling me I need a hysterectomy but I don't feel like I can make a decision on that - I've been adamant I don't want any more children and I think that's because of how things went and my fear of going through that again (and the fact that I'm so exhausted and these two little terrors will not sleep!). I just feel like this isn't the right time to decide on more children because I think my feelings on that are still so affected by what happened and the lack of sleep, but in the meantime I'm living in a lot of pain that could be improved by the surgery and not being as good a mum as I could be maybe. I just feel paralysed by the trauma (even though I hate using that word as it doesn't seem fitting) of what happened and my fear of it happening again.

Will I get past this or do I need to do something about it? I feel like I should be over it, my boys and I survived... I just don't feel okay at all.

Please seek specialist trauma counselling. I waited until my daughter was 18 months to seek help and I really wish I had got help sooner. It was hard work but I feel so much happier after 6 months of counselling.

Oh OP, it's no wonder you're feeling traumatised, you've been through a hell of a lot and it's a normal reaction.

I'm another one who waited a long time before getting access to specialised counselling. My DD was getting on for three when I saw a lovely counsellor who really helped me to get myself back together, go back to work and generally feel better about the whole thing.

I'm in Birmingham. Kim Thomas are you a counsellor by any chance?

I had CBT for birth trauma when ds was 12,I wish I'd had it before and not left it so long, it helped so much. Please seek some help OP, people underestimate how traumatic the whole scubu experience is

Oh OP, it is awful and I don't think it is something people can understand that easily. I had twins a long time ago now, 23 weekers, one died in the NICU when she was a few days old and my survivor spent four months in hospital. She came home on oxygen and medications and then I obsessed over that and germs and ended up in a bit of a state.

I still don't feel even over it even now to be honest! I was definitely in a very dark place at one year out and felt a lot of the same guilt and experienced the same memory loss you describe. Wish I had got more help (don't think it was well recognised back in 2008 and I had a couple of very unsympathetic medical people put me off) so it is definitely worth investigating I think.

I don't know if there is a medical reason your gynaecologist suggested a hysterectomy but, if not, I would not rush into a decision at this point unless you feel certain. I did go on to have two term babies with no complications which, in my case, did kind of soften the NICU experience.I do fully appreciate how lucky and undeserving I was to have those. I could easily have lost another baby or had another premature baby. Every pregnancy is different and sadly you just can't tell. There is a higher risk of complications with twins I believe and both my subsequent babies were singletons.

Hope you can find some help, the birth of my daughter's is one of the most devastating experiences I have ever been through and you are justified in feeling the way that you do

Oh, you poor thing. No wonder you feel traumatised. Yes, that definitely sounds normal! You're not a terrible mother at all. Indeed, coping as you did, it sounds as if you have been an amazing mother and it's you who's born the brunt of things, not your lovely babies.

Hi op. I've not rtft but your first post resonated with me very strongly. Not going to hijack with my personal woes but I felt same as you a year on, had also been advised to have a hysterectomy, was in awful pain and totally unable to think about maybe having another because the trauma of first birth was so horrifying that every time I tried to imagine doing it again I would literally start to shake.

I went to CBT and found that enormously helpful re: the PTSD (which is what this is). I had the hyster a while later, once I'd finally recovered from the birth and three other surgeries the birth had necessitated. I've only the one DC but I'm pain free, no longer have terrible flash backs and whilst I can't talk about the actual birth itself I can remember it, when such memories are provoked, without the fear and the tears.

Whatever you decide do be kind to yourself and remember that this too shall pass. And you are a very good mother, or else you wouldn't fret about such things as whether or not you're a good mother.

My prem DD is almost 11 and it does fade but I still have some triggers and it took me over a year to bring myself to look at her first photo (that I wasn’t present for). I found her first birthday and the build up awful! We had major sleep issues until she was four too. You aren’t alone in your feelings.

I mainly wanted to post because of your feelings about having another child. It took me five years before I could build up the emotional reserves to contemplate a second child. He was not prem (although threatened to be) - but those first few months did dredge up how utterly sad I was first time around by comparison.

awhistlingwoman I am speechless - I am so very sorry, and it's really humbling that you are so empathetic when you've dealt with so much worse. You are absolutely not undeserving of your other children, I'm so sorry this experience has left enough scars that you'd even think this way now. Sending lots of hugs to you x

OP I'm so glad you've been able to postpone your decision on the hysterectomy for now. Be kind to yourself and take things one step at a time. My counsellor made a weird but helpful analogy when i felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. She talked about how you couldn't eat a whole elephant... But if you had one elephant burger every day (sorry elephant!) You'd get there in the end! Whenever i spoke about feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions and memories she would remind me 'just have one elephant burger today'. You don't have to process it all in one day. Best of luck with the counselling.

Oh and i discovered you can turn off the On this day feature on fb. if you're finding the memories difficult that might be worth doing.

They're suggesting the hysterectomy due to endometriosis and adenomyosis - there's no chance it will eliminate all my pain but should improve my quality of life. I've had multiple surgeries and every other treatment so it's really my last option - it's just whether I decide to do it now, or wait in case my feelings on more children change. Reading through the posts here has made me realise that part of my reluctance is that I can't imagine those early months being a happy time, although a friend who had a very hard time after her twins were born has just had another and is so happy it has made me realise it doesn't have to be that way I guess.

mulberry I totally understand. They let my husband take a photo of the twins after they were resuscitated and I still struggle to look at one of them - when he showed me the photo I really thought he was dead, and I thought the reason they kept putting off me being able to see them was because he had died and they were waiting to tell me. Just remembered that when we went in the second time there was a cover over his incubator and I'd never seen those before and I assumed he had died and didn't understand why no one was telling me what had happened - sat next to my other twin crying for half an hour before I heard him crying, he'd just woken up from a nap (hence the cover). Such a bloody horrible time. Hadn't really realised how much I had bottled up actually, but when you don't know any different I guess you don't realise how different it is - I can't even imagine what it's like to have a baby and everyone is healthy and just all go home. Today Facebook showed me photos of my bigger twins car seat test, which means he came home a year ago tomorrow, and even that was a sad day because we weren't all together. Ugh. I just feel really pathetic to say these things when others are experiencing actual loss, I know it's all relative but still.

Thanks all for listening to me. I will definitely seek some help for this, I don't want to be ruled by it any more.

You are not being pathetic in the slightest! When pregnancies end unexpectedly or babies are ill it is a huge shock and a terrible trauma, regardless of the outcome or how long they have to stay in hospital. You poor heart must have been so broken over the past incubator cover, I do wish the staff had thought to tell you.

I had a lot of medical people tell me I should just be happy that one of my babies had survived! Some people will argue they were right I suppose (I have long made my peace with that one!)

And I AM hugely grateful but it doesn't take away the pain and grief, just like the love and gratitude you have your babies won't instantly get you past all the sad times you have been through together. You don't need to feel guilty if it doesn't. Sometimes it just isn't that simple!

It really is all relative as you rightly say. I have the utmost sympathy for people who have had difficult births and poorly babies. None of us would have picked this path, we all hoped for (and maybe even expected) happy stories.

I am sorry to hear about the endometriosis, that makes it far more complicated if you feel the surgery would improve your quality of life? I do know that I cycled very quickly over those first few years from 'I am NEVER doing this again' to 'I MUST do this again' but it is a very personal decision and there are so many factors to consider.

I wish you all the very best with your decision making re the hysterectomy and I do hope you get some wonderful help to find your feet again after all you have been through with your babies. Given the amount I have gone on on your thread perhaps I should try again myself as I still seem to have a lot to say about it

whistling I think you're incredible for even being able to engage with stuff like this after what you've been through, and I really appreciate your kindness x

Birth trauma association op.

Almost exact same here. Twins 30 weeks and in hosp for 4 months. Almost lost one 3 time and had breathing monitor for a year. Also back men got is at 3 months. Got through the year because I was busy but at a year old I fell apart. I think I felt I could breath again but didn't know how. I was put on anti d for a while and eventually got there. Consellaling will help...I was tough I found I left it behind and what I was left with was an enormous feeling of luck. I m so grateful and out everything I have into my 3 kids now. But it takes time and help