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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so fed up of this?

51 replies

greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 09:24

I don't quite know how to start this, and it isn't exactly a new problem but it's become worse lately. I know it is a combination of my fault and his fault or mixture of both or misunderstanding. But he just won't stop asking me questions! Where am I going, what am I doing. I can't go from the lounge to the bathroom without a what are you doing. If I am doing something that might lead to a further flurry of questions like going to the doctor or working, I sometimes just lie. But then it feels ridiculous I have to lie about such everyday banal things!

He has always been like this and it has always pissed me off. But he is now signed off work. And so I never get a break from it.

I am just sick of the spanish inquisition every time I have a wee.

OP posts:
Tamatoa · 03/10/2017 09:28

Oh gosh.....I was thinking you were talking about a toddler....until the signed off work but!

Sounds exhausting. Can you try the 'answer a question with a question' method?
"Where going?"
"Why, are you coming?"
"What dooooing?"
"What does it look like?"
Etc.

Anecdoche · 03/10/2017 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 09:44

Oh gosh I didn't even say it was my husband! Grin Blush

Anecdoche, I have but fhen sometimes it leads to arguments.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 09:59

Could not stand this.

Arsey:
'None of your business'

Blunt:
'For a shit, is that OK?' (And then go and sit in the loo for twenty mins to get away from him)

Anecdoche · 03/10/2017 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 09:59

Anecdoche Grin

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 03/10/2017 10:02

Does he follow you like a lost ducking too ?

It's like this when I get in from work, all 4 of them bobbing about behind me ..... >shakes head

MargaretCavendish · 03/10/2017 10:05

He sounds irritating, but I also wonder if you're not communicating very well? If my husband told me he was going to the doctor I'd find it weird if he didn't tell me what for and I had to ask. If we're both in the living room together I would say 'popping to the loo' rather than just walking off so he doesn't know if I'm coming back or not. I think with your examples if you preempted with the basic information he'd probably stop asking so much.

MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 10:10

If we're both in the living room together I would say 'popping to the loo' rather than just walking off so he doesn't know if I'm coming back or not
Unless we're in the middle of a couple activity (film/game), I can't imagine telling my husband when I'm going to the loo.

Do you do this even if you are doing separate things?

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 10:10

Problem is Margaret I don't tell him because I know he will want to come with me (to the doctor, not the loo!) It just all gets very stifling. And then when I DID come back he would want to know exactly what was said, what was I prescdibed, etc.

It just all feels frustrating.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 10:11

Would he have wanted to come to the doctor with you before he was not working?

Sunnysidegold · 03/10/2017 10:11

I feel a bit like this when my husband works from home. I lost the rag once and fired a pile of questions back at him. I think he thought he was just showing interest. But I get it.
Where are you off to?
To town to pick up xyz.
Where are you Parking?
Hadn't thought about it. Probably x carpark.
Noooo...its 80p an hour...go to y carpark it's only 50p and hour...just a bit further away.
But xyz is heavy so I want to park closer.

And so it goes on. Whereas ordinarily I'd be out the door and away without a care in the world.

MargaretCavendish · 03/10/2017 10:15

Ok, that makes sense OP. But I think then you need to talk to him about needing a bit more space, unfortunately, as it seems it's not the questions but the clinginess that is the issue.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 10:17

Probably maid but he would not have known as I could have just gone! Now I am under observation. I understand why retired couples get divorced now.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 03/10/2017 10:19

Do you do this even if you are doing separate things?

Yes, but now you've made me think perhaps it's weird! If we were both on the sofa reading, say, he'd obviously look up as I stood up, so I'd say 'just popping to the loo', 'I think I'll start dinner', 'right', I'd better get on with x' or whatever. To me it would feel strange not to! We're generally a very unclingy couple - we take separate holidays, both have large (and mixed-sex) separate friendship groups etc., so this is maybe our hidden codependent thing!

PommePoire · 03/10/2017 10:23

Could it be that not working any more has left a gap in his life, so he feels a bit lacking in purpose and direction? Thus, he's filling his time attempting to micromanage you? In which case he needs to start volunteering at a charity shop, or dog walking, or something that gets him out and keeps him busy/away from you!

PommePoire · 03/10/2017 10:26

Sorry, hit send too soon - I know you said in your OP that he's always done this and it has always annoyed you. Just wondered if the being signed off from work means that there's an underlying worry (assuming he was signed off for health reasons or similar) and that worry is driving the ramping-up of the annoying questions.

ScrunchyBook · 03/10/2017 10:30

Margaret not weird, my DH and I do that too if we're in the same room, perfectly normal as far as I'm concerned
Sorry green I thought you were referring to a toddler to start with as well Grin

Callamia · 03/10/2017 10:33

My dad does this to my mum, and it makes me want to kill him (I think she feels the same). It's so stifling, and removes any sense of autonomy.

I don't know how to solve it, except to keep ignoring it, or calling it out and asking why on earth they need to know.

MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 10:35

Different strokes! I just can't imagine doing it for the loo, although I would say if I were getting up to start dinner.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 10:36

It is so annoying! I am going to home bargains in a bit. He is banned from coming with me.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 03/10/2017 10:39

Sounds to me like he’s depressed. Suddenly not working when you are used to full time hours is a big shock to the system. It’s not like he’s chosen to not work, more had it forced on him. I would suggest to him that he makes an appointment with his doctor to sort his mental health. In the mean time, don’t lie as if he finds out you are lying, it will make him even more insecure. Pre-empt his daft questions as much as possible. Tell him you don’t need grilling about your every move. I do think though that it’s perfectly normal for a partner to ask how it went at the doctor and what the doctor said.

@PommePoire, did you actually read the OP? He’s signed off. I can’t imagine it would go down particularly well with his GP or boss if he got a job in a charity shop ffs. He already has a job, he doesn’t need another.

GrockleBocs · 03/10/2017 10:41

It's surely polite if you're doing something together to give the other person an idea of how long you'll be gone. So if we're watching something, I'll say "Need a wee", pause it and leave the room. DH knows I won't be long.
I couldn't cope with the twenty questions and going to the GP, hairdresser, corner shop thing though.

Deathraystare · 03/10/2017 10:51

Tell him you are on a secret mission for Mumsnet!

Findingdotty · 03/10/2017 10:55

You don't say why he is signed off work (understandably) but it is has to do with any mental health issues then his behaviour is quite normal. Even if he is signed off for other reasons it's quite normal to be insecure or just out of sorts (not the best description but I can't think how to write what I mean). My DH was exactly the same when he was off for a year with depression/anixety issues. However when you are the other person it is frustrating and exhausting. I just made sure I got out the house on my own and then had more patience when I was around. Also we made an effort to do things together that I wouldn't normally have done like cheap lunches out, walks together, mornings at National Trust properties, that sort of thing. Then he had been out and wasn't so clingy.

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