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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get so fed up of this?

51 replies

greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 09:24

I don't quite know how to start this, and it isn't exactly a new problem but it's become worse lately. I know it is a combination of my fault and his fault or mixture of both or misunderstanding. But he just won't stop asking me questions! Where am I going, what am I doing. I can't go from the lounge to the bathroom without a what are you doing. If I am doing something that might lead to a further flurry of questions like going to the doctor or working, I sometimes just lie. But then it feels ridiculous I have to lie about such everyday banal things!

He has always been like this and it has always pissed me off. But he is now signed off work. And so I never get a break from it.

I am just sick of the spanish inquisition every time I have a wee.

OP posts:
Findingdotty · 03/10/2017 10:56

Sorry, 'but if it has' the first sentence should say.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2017 11:04

It sounds like some sort of anxiety issue. But, at the same time, that doesn't mean you just have to put up with it: I would have thrown a chair at him by now...
Try saying to him 'You need to stop asking me questions all the time. It's really annoying and intrusive. I am going to ignore you when you do it.'
Or, if the anxiety is what he's signed off work for, suggest it's something he mentions to his HCP. If he gets the right treatment, it should be easier for him to stop.

SquidgeyMidgey · 03/10/2017 11:06

What is he actually signed off for? Is it somethig that means he cannot leave the house, or do anything of any use to disyract himself?

I'm not a good nurse, my DH has degenerative nerve damage and when he's home on a bad day I have limited patience. That's not fair actually, when it's been a few days it gets to me, and yes I'm quite aware he can't help it and would love to be well.

OP park him in the garden and tell him to count leaves, or just take yourself off to sit in the library all day. Sounds like you need a break before you lose your rag.

GwenStaceyRocks · 03/10/2017 11:11

I ask lots of questions because I find it odd that the information isn't offered. If I was going to the doctor's then I'd say 'I'm going to x at y time for z.' If DH didn't volunteer that information about an appointment then I'd ask questions until I knew the answers because it's information that I'd naturally offer so someone withholding it feels odd to me.
I wonder if you both just have different communication styles.

Caenea · 03/10/2017 11:12

Good lord that would grate on me no end.

He's obviously dying of boredom, not that that excuses it much. You don't say why he's been signed off work - and it's none of my business - but is he well enough or able to take up a hobby?

Even if said hobby is just going for a walk, or a drive. Hell, computer games would be an improvement at this point!

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/10/2017 11:19

I couldn't cope with question time 24/7 - some things are personal, if you wanted to share you would of done so in the first instance.

Why has he been signed off work?

cakecakecheese · 03/10/2017 11:21

My ex was like this. Sooo annoying. 'Where are you going?' It's 3am, I've clearly woken up needing the loo, I usually replied that I was going jogging. Or he'd ask what certain things in my flat were and would be opening containers etc up to see what was in there. I'd ask why he'd do it and he'd say 'because I'm interested'. I guess some people are just interested in intricate details of banal stuff, it's a shame they can't put that curiousity to better use!

KimmySchmidt1 · 03/10/2017 11:25

My DH gets like this occasionally. I just say "take a wild guess". I only answer the ones he actually needs to know or cannot find out from just paying attention for 5 more seconds.

People need to learn boundaries - thats one of the points of being married is to be pulled up on your mad behaviour. If you don't start doing him that favour now, he will get more and more mad as he gets older. My DH's mother doesn't check his dad's behaviour and he is now totally impossible to bring out for social occasions because he just gets everything wrong!

Crunchymum · 03/10/2017 11:27

Do you think it's a controlling thing OP or a needy thing?

It sounds suffocating and draining.

GrumpyOldCatsNurse · 03/10/2017 11:27

My partner does this, but if I answer vaguely "off out to buy things" or if I answer ridiculously "just letting the velocoraptor out" he doesn't ask for more info. It doesn't bother me.
There is difference between curiosity and making demands.

Fromage · 03/10/2017 11:27

I think it sounds like anxiety or something similar.

However, it would soon drive me insane and I would cease giving an actual answer to questions unless absolutely necessary, and develop a stock of non-answers like:

what does it look like I'm doing
why do you imagine I'm doing that
why are you asking
does it matter
why does it matter to you
is it important for you to know that, and why
tell me about your childhood
etc

and possibly also just barrage him with similar nit-picky questions about his stupid questions to drive him mad back, until such time as a row occured wherein I would suggest that he stops with the questions and I'll stop retaliating.

Or, divorce.

Crunchymum · 03/10/2017 11:27

By the way there is a fine line between being needy / controlling IME.

Fromage · 03/10/2017 11:29

lol at the velociraptor

ignore my post, I'd go with ridiculous replies to keep my own sanity

why am I standing on a chair with a feather duster, waving it at the light shade?
THE FLOOR IS LAVA

CobwebKitten · 03/10/2017 11:38

Be firm.

If he's asking because he's a needy wimpy little mummy's boy, a loud voice and a spell on the naughty step might shut him up.

If he's asking because he's got an aggressive streak and he's going to ramp up to accusing you of an affair or start demanding you stop going out, yell at him anyway so he learns you're not a pushover.

It sounds creepy to me. There's normal conversation, like talking about going to the doctor, but to be driving you nuts over every tiny little thing makes him sound like a toddler and not a functioning adult, and he needs to go learn how to be one.

NannyRed · 03/10/2017 11:42

My husband does this if I ever get up in the night. Nine times out of ten I just need a wee or a drink but as soon as I answer him my brain seems to snap awake and that's me done with sleeping for the rest of the night.
I just grunt at him now when he asks unless I'm feeling really shitty then I say "I'm going for a wee and now I'm wide awake thank you" and huff downstairs .

I must admit I thought you was talking about a toddler at first. Have you tried explaining to him that it's a silly little thing but it really grates on your nerves? It's worth a try.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 14:21

It isn't anxiety. He has been like this since forever, but obviously he is around more now. Normally I would have had the day to do things and not be subjected to "where, what, how, why, with who" etc.

Oh, and if my phone pings, christ jesus on a cross Confused

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 03/10/2017 14:30

This would drive me insane. Like above stock responses and start doing it back!

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2017 14:38

Oh right, so he's a dick.
Try responding to every question with 'No comment' in a flat monotone.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 14:44
Grin

I cba with the rows.

He needs another job, urgently. Before I get sent down ffor murder.

OP posts:
PommePoire · 03/10/2017 15:08

greenandblackchocolate and WomblingThree I did read the OP but I now realise I did not understand exactly what being signed off means. I have now educated myself and recognise that someone who is signed off work can't be doing voluntary work, I am sorry for my suggestion, it was kindly meant. Not everyone uses these boards is a native of the UK, so perhaps something that is very obvious to many is not quite so for a few.

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 15:10

Hey, I didn't have a go Flowers I don't think I even responded.

OP posts:
PommePoire · 03/10/2017 15:16

greenandblackchocolate Oh I know, I was sorry for suggesting something that was of no use, that's all. Thanks though!

Original poster
greenandblackchocolate · 03/10/2017 17:01

The thing is, even getting him out of the house removes the problem but it doesn't solve it as such.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 03/10/2017 18:18

Can't you have a talk with him at a time when you're not annoyed by him having just done this (if you can find such a moment with the incessant questions) and tell him just how annoying the constant questioning is and that you are reaching the end of your tether with him.

MaidOfStars · 03/10/2017 20:08

The phone thing would get very short shrift from me - it feels like quite a different category of behaviour.

'It's got fuck all to do with you'.

My husband and I have very strict boundaries on such things. I once shouted at him for going into my coat pocket without permission.