Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to stop contacting people to see if they ever contact me...

52 replies

btfly2 · 02/10/2017 14:24

Self esteem issues to the roof here! Anyone on the same boat? I'm all ears! I need to confirm I'm not the only one feeling this way. Thanks for reading and sharing your comments.

OP posts:
gorygloria · 02/10/2017 14:40

Are you trying to improve your self esteem issues, or compound them?

Whatamesshaslunch · 02/10/2017 15:07

Some of your friends might have similar self esteem issues, and if you don't contact them might assume that you don't want to be in contact. 'Tis a wicked circle!

Moanyoldcow · 02/10/2017 16:23

Well, mother not sure about doing this as a blanket thing with all your friends but I did it with a specific friend.

I really loved her but realised that she never initiated meeting up or going out or anything. She never seemed to be that concerned whether she saw me but it took ages for me to see it. I was moving house and starting a new job so I decided that was a clean break and decided I wouldn't contact her again. She never text to see how my new job was or how the move went and that was nearly 3 years ago.

Never heard from her again.

So in short, I think it's reasonable if you have a suspicion about a particular friend but wouldn't do it with everyone.

NC4now · 02/10/2017 16:30

I did it with a friend. She was actually my bridesmaid. I just felt like she wasn't bothered. I haven't heard from her for a couple of years, although we've been out a couple of times as part of a group.
It's sad really. I don't feel any better for it.

pinkdelight · 02/10/2017 16:37

Would have to know more about your situation really and where the issues stem from. Sometimes in life there simply are people who initiate more things and others who are responders, waiting to be asked and not so fussed if it doesn't happen. I'm more of an initiator and don't take it personally if people don't invite me as much. As long as they respond when I want to do stuff and I enjoy their company that's enough. Is there some other reason for you to think they're not proper friends to you?

shouldaknownbetter · 02/10/2017 16:41

I did it with a friend who always let me do the running, the push came to shove when she didn't invite my daughter to her daughter's birthday party (we had always invited them to each others parties before) and I suddenly realised my child was being subjected to the same attitude, well that is what it felt like, and I wasn't having that.

As it was she did get back in touch a few months later and we still see each other at big parties or gatherings rather than 1 on 1 and she always says 'long time no see!' and I always think well that's your fault isn't it.. I keep my expectations of her quite low now.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 02/10/2017 16:43

I did it. Turned out they only contacted me when they wanted to borrow something.
I was never invited anywhere and the only invites that were accepted were ones where I was footing the bill.

Their loss!

user1483387154 · 02/10/2017 16:44

I did this when I was in my final year at Uni, I just got fed up of always being the one to make an effort so decided to stop contacting people until they contacted me. It was harsh as a few friendships ended but then they werent true friends I guess.

JustFeelSad · 02/10/2017 16:46

I'm very tempted to do this. I'm pretty sure I would come out of it the worst though.

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 16:48

I have tried this, (even with fairly distant extended family,) and in some cases, I have never heard from - or seen - them again. Obviously weren't that bothered about me were they? Sad I do miss a couple of them, but did get sick of ALWAYS being the one to contact them, and of them making zero effort with me (even forgetting my birthday, and my DH's and kids birthdays,) quite often.

I currently have a small issue with a very old friend who never, ever, ever contacts me, and it's always me who texts her first. I do wonder if I stopped contacting her, if I would ever see her again! Confused

Thing is, I do like her a lot, we go back many years, and she always remembers birthdays, and buys lovely gifts at Christmas etc (I do for her too,) and she does message me with big news - like her brother dying so I could attend the funeral, and an old school mate of ours dying too.

But it grates on me a BIT that she never texts me to see if I want to meet for coffee, and it's always me who does it.

Thing is, I don't want to not see her again, as we get on well, and have lots of giggles when we meet. We also have lots in common, and lots of happy memories from the last 30-odd years. I know her family members too, and see them every so often in passing.

So I guess in answer to the OP, it depends how much you like the person in question, and if you want them out of your life, or want them to stay in it. If them never really contacting you, and you always having to be the one to do it, is the only issue, then I would suck it up and just text them if you don't hear from them.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 02/10/2017 16:49

JustFeelSad- is it the worst though?

I'd rather not invest time/care into relationships whereby it isn't returned.

Not wasting time on these people means that I've had more time for new friendships.

silkpyjamasallday · 02/10/2017 16:50

I did this, not as a intentional test of my 'friends' loyalty but because I was in a very dark place and couldn't face seeing or contacting anyone, didn't leave my flat for months. No one bothered texting or calling to see where I'd gone/what had happened. It was pretty shit and made me feel a million times worse as no one noticed I had disappeared. I could have been dead and rotting for all they knew.

pasturesgreen · 02/10/2017 16:52

Phone works both ways, as I like to say.

If it's always you initiating contact and getting in touch to arrange meet ups maybe it's time to reconsider the friendship a bit. Have done it on a couple of occasions and it's actually extremely liberating.

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 16:54

That's AWFUL @silky Flowers

I am really so sorry to hear that.

FWIW, I think many people have been in a similar position to you...

Do/did you have family? A partner? A job?

Did no-one wonder where you were, at all? Sad Or was it just friends (so called friends!) who didn't bother?

FaFoutis · 02/10/2017 17:03

My friend did this to me and I haven't got in touch with her yet (maybe 2 years ago). I don't blame her, I am crap but I am also permanently exhausted and have no time. It isn't because I didn't care about her or want to spend time with her.

GallicosCats · 02/10/2017 17:04

After some unhappy experiences with being ghosted by friends for no reason, I've done this with a couple of friendships. One lives on the other side of the world anyway; it had been getting more of an effort for less return, their last Christmas card was a photo of them and their family, addressed to the wrong person Hmm and our last meeting was less than comfortable. The other I still say hi to now and again, but I realised she wasn't reciprocating, so I didn't try too hard to organise meet ups when I went back to work. I now realise I don't like her as much as I thought I did. Once you stop being occupied with pinning people down you see them for what they are.

Homerschild · 02/10/2017 17:05

I have not heard from my friend who did my hair (but a friend first just happens to be a mobile hairdresser) for over 6 months as I deliberately didn't make another appointment. She did my hair for the past 23 years and obviously i was just another client; now I am not, no communication to ven ask if everything is ok. I texted her recently when it was her birthday. Her monetaryloss

Original poster
btfly2 · 02/10/2017 17:07

Well, tbh I'm tired of being the one always initiating contact. Feeling kind of dumb as I'm the person making plans and sending the first message. I feel lonely. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 02/10/2017 17:08

In my experience people who do this kind of passive aggressive testing find that they end up with few friends, mainly because people don't like being passively aggresively tested.

It's all very childish.

Tiredmum100 · 02/10/2017 17:10

I've started doing this with certain people, who I felt I was always contacting 1 St. I haven't heard from one 'friend' since the start of Feb.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/10/2017 17:13

I get why you'd do this, but the thing is, these friends of yours are used to you being the initiator, and they're unlikely (sadly) to start changing things now so that they inititate contact instead.

Far better relationships exist where both parties will initiate contact - when it is all one-sided, then that is the status quo and even if the initiator (you) stops, the other side doesn't pick up the slack.

By all means try it if you want - but I think you'll be very disappointed with the outcome. It might be better to tell your friends that you're fed up of always being the one to organise things and you'd like someone else to do it for a change - be more direct about it. See if anything changes for the positive that way.

Thinkingofausername1 · 02/10/2017 17:15

I've done this. Six months later, it doesn't do your insecurities any good. But it's proved that I know who my real friends are!!!!

LewisThere · 02/10/2017 17:18

I don't think it's particularly PA.
If someone only gets in touch with you because they need something or that they aren't actually that mothered by you/seeing you, why should you go to length to keep the 'friendship' going?

I domthink that it shouodntbapply to everyone and that allowances should be made.
Eg I have a friend who is a carer and she often forgets/has one millions balls up in the air. I wouldn't get upset if she hadn't been the one to contact me for a while.
Other people.... it's a sign thatbthere is no friendship.

Homerschild · 02/10/2017 17:46

I read somewhere that most friendships only last 7 years/ bit like 7 year itch. Point being I think things change and people are busy however it takes 10 seconds to acknowledge a text.

Therealslimshady1 · 02/10/2017 17:59

Yes, most people don't like being passively aggressively tested.

It is not the road to happiness.

You can cool off a bit with someone, if you sense they are not that keen to meet up. That is normal.

But this kind of testing is a bit like people who post things on facebook like "like/share this if you are a true friend. I think I already know who will".