Aibu to stop contacting people to see if they ever contact me...

[btfly2]

Self esteem issues to the roof here! Anyone on the same boat? I'm all ears! I need to confirm I'm not the only one feeling this way. Thanks for reading and sharing your comments.

I can totally relate - I am this person. My friends are nice and make plans / show up when I initiate it but are busy scatterbrained people who wouldn't normally "organise" iyswim. If I stopped making plans I feel like my life would be poorer for it so I've made my peace with being the organiser. That said in a time of tragedy many of them showed up of their own accord. The ones who didn't, I stopped "organising" with.

I wouldn't do this en masse because a brief moment of pique could lead to you feeling needlessly even more lonely. Some people are just better organisers - embrace your strengths. But for a specific relationship where you suspect the affection is not mutual, feel free to lower your effort and see if it just fades away.

I'm just being pragmatic since you wouldn't want to be posting on here in a few years saying you have no friends left. It's hard to make new friends and connections in your 30s onwards!

I was in this exact dilemma earlier this year. I ve pulled away from the friendship even though I counted her as my best friend. She was my bridesmaid but certain things started to happen which made me realise I am not hers

She's always been pretty rubbish and there would be long time spans between contact but it was probably 50/50 effort. Last four years it has been me making all the effort, very rarely contacted by her. So I decided not to contact her as it was really upsetting me. Not spoken for over a year except she messaged me to go to a party she was throwing and got moody when I couldn't go. But no apology and doesn't care if can't attend any significant events for me. This summer was first time my ds wasn't invited to her ds birthday which says it all really.

I did this with a specific person. I felt she was ignoring me. Especially after sending texts which required answers. Instead she ignored me. We had an uncomfortable afternoon at a Fair on the same stall where one of my friend’s mentioned her attitude towards me. 4 days later... wants to be my best friend again! But only because someone else we were friends with told her that she was ending their friendship. Tried for 3 month’s then walked away from her.

Some people don't feel able to make the first contact, even with people they consider to be their friends. People have anxiety issues or self-esteem issues of their own, and can't risk making the first move in case they get rebuffed.

Rather than cut contact and hope they step up, why not have a friendly conversation and ask them why they feel unable to take the first step? You can tell them how you feel about the current arrangements, but if you are really their friend then you need to find out how they feel too.

I did it with an entire friendship group. I got fed up of always being the one who organised nights out, who had people around for nights in, and who threw parties. No-one else ever made the effort, and so I stopped making the effort too. I only see two of them now - but at least those two are equal relationships.

I did this. Used to phone siblings weekly. Then wondered how long it would be before they phoned me.

15 years later....,,,,,,

Yeah. I stopped contacting people first. It turns out I have very few people in my life who give a toss. On the flipside I have plenty of time to not run around like a blue arsed fly helping people who will never care.

Yep, I did it to a whole friendship group. Much happier now. Very liberating.

I've found my people! I am so sick of always being the one to initiate contact. I have actually found its improved my self esteem to stop chasing people and notice the people who do want to make contact with me. It is a lot fewer people, but at least I know they like me.

Yep, I have done this too. There was probably an element of passive aggressiveness to it but also curiosity as to whether or not I was imagining that I was the only one making an effort. I wasn't. I ran into her a year or so later and she couldn't remember things like my partners name and whether I had a niece or nephew. It hurt a little but I also felt satisfaction that now I knew that she didn't give a shit and my self esteem improved as a result of no longer trying to cling onto a friendship that only one of us was invested in.

I'm now doing the same thing to my brother after a lifetime of him blatantly not giving a fuck about me. The final straw is that I now have a 13 week old baby that he has spent a total of about 10 minutes with despite living a 5 minute walk away, and that was only because I basically begged him to visit. He has no interest at all in his nephew, yet I adore mine and was the only person there for him when he was born. If I never see him again it will be no loss to me or my family.

I’ve done this with several people over the years. None ever got in touch, again. Made me feel really crap that the only reason we were friends was because I had made the effort. But ultimately it’s better just having friends that actually want to be friends.

Today 17:08 existentialmoment

*In my experience people who do this kind of passive aggressive testing find that they end up with few friends, mainly because people don't like being passively aggresively tested.

It's all very childish*.

^ This!

I've done it with one couple within a group of friends. It had felt like they only picked us up when it was convenient in the absence of other distractions. They never arranged anything themselves and would tend to join in or bail out at the last minute. DH and I lost phone contacts in close succession. Most people we restored contact with easily, but they never got in touch and we never bothered chasing up contact. They were the kind of people that would penny pinch over the finest detail and nothing felt freely given, even their time.

I've got quite a lot of long distance, low contact friendships, but they survive happily because when we catch up we enjoy the company. Some people are worth chasing up. Some people aren't and that's not a true friendship.

I did it with a couple of friends and it felt utterly liberating. I had very low self esteem and was going through a tricky pregnancy and felt very isolated. Two of the worst offenders, I just pretended they didn't exist unless they contacted me. That was 2 years ago, not seen one of them since and I feel it's been good for my esteem to know that I chose that because I made a conscious choice to stop chasing her, so it hasn't hurt my feelings because I felt one step ahead. If that makes sense.

The other, I see still but not very regularly. We have been friends for over 20 years and have kids the same age and when we do get together we have a right laugh but then she is ok to go months without taking to me. It's weird. But I've lowered my expectations of her way down.

I think it's good for your self worth to be aware of who your equal friends are. We are all busy and it's never easy to get together or even text sometimes but when you really like someone and enjoy their company you make an effort. Life is too busy and too short to pour energy into someone who wouldn't be bothered giving it back to you.

See, this scares me. I'm crap at getting in touch with people due to both my own self esteem issues but also just general crapness. After years of friendship/meeting up fairly regularly I'd still assume my friends are too busy/don't really want to see me so won't generally be the one to initiate.

Am better with very old (childhood) friends/relatives, but am absolutely crap at remembering birthdays etc.

Basically can be thinking about/missing people on a daily basis but still not get round to getting in touch - the longer this goes on the harder initiating contact becomes. Add in something big/bad happening in the other persons life and it's all so complicated it paralyses me - desperate to get in touch and offer whatever support i can but can't think of what to say/write. So don't get round to it, then it's worse cos it's too late and so it spirals.

Yes I know I should do better, and always trying hard to stop it but recently realised that it is all, in (a large) part, due to how my brain is wired.

To make it worse I'm pretty sure that I come across as a confident, possibly standoffish, know it all.

I'm really sorry about but completely don't blame friends who have given up on me in the past, and eternally grateful for those who are still there.

I fear I do this to my friends.
However for me in my circumstances (depression, anxiety, ptsd) I find it so difficult to make the first contact.
I've got 2 main groups of friends and my best friend is brilliant she sticks with me and keeps the contact up. I will forever love her for not abandoning me.

My other group of friends I think have given up on me. They don't understand and haven't asked nor have I volunteered the information but it still hurts.

Op maybe just ask if everything's Ok, i understand it's exhausting doing all the work but may be it's not as simple as you think.

It's only unhealthy if you're doing it as a test and priming yourself to feel upset about it if they give you what you need, because they don't know/ do know but don't feel like making an effort.

If you are truly letting go, because you have clarity that it's unbalanced and the friendship isn't adding any value to your life - then I think it's good self care.

Have done it with one friend, as with pps she was my bridesmaid. We haven't met up for ages (maybe 2 years) and it would always be me suggesting, rarely managing to find an arrangement that suited. I've dropped birthday and Christmas presents round but had no gifts for my family for the last two years. I also gathered from another acquaintance's Facebook with her tagged in photos that she remarried last year - wedding all of three miles away but not even an invite to drinks, or a mention in her Christmas card (We still got one of those). Didn't really even feel I could send a wedding card (genuinely meant) without looking passive aggressive, as far as she knows I don't even know she got married.......

We dropped gifts for her kids' birthdays this year as one had a significant birthday, but yet again not so much as a text to say thank you. Certainly no cards or gifts for my DC. So in my case, I've got the message. There's being a bit useless or too busy to arrange to get together, and then there's just clearly not being bothered. It still makes me sad though......

I've done it. Was my new years resolution a couple of years ago to stop making effort with people who don't bOther with me. When you stop and take stock it really is surprising who does and who doesn't make effort. My so called best friend dropped off the radar completely. She was the main reason I made the change as I was conscious of all the effort I put in and getting nothing back.
However other people really take you by surprise with their efforts so embrace them!

I’ve always been bad at keeping in touch, I’m not over sociable and never ever like to chat on the phone. Facebook is a godsend for me to maintain contact with people but not have to invest too much. With one long standing friend though I’ve pulled right back. I’ve grown to dislike her due to her behaviour to other people down the years. Her own father admits she’s hard work. The final straw was her being unpleasant to a mutual friend. Now, I’m almost hoping she stops bothering with me.

Because of Facebook etc we think that people have lots of friends. The reality is that as you get older, life and its responsibilities takes over and most people are time starved and it makes you selfish and protective of the time you do have. That is why relationships fizzle out. There are users out there, but there are also people who have problems of their own who don't have the time.

Friendships can be enriching, mundane or harmful (to self esteem). I have quietly dropped people, I have also been dropped. One of the benefits of getting older is that you know you are your own best friend. Stop chasing a mythical friendship. If you have a genuine and equal friendship, be happy about that. But if you feel you are chasing around after someone - you need to let that relationship lapse (unless you know they have so much on their plate, in which case, cut them some slack).

AbsentmindedWoman
It's only unhealthy if you're doing it as a test and priming yourself to feel upset about it if they give you what you need, because they don't know/ do know but don't feel like making an effort.
If you are truly letting go, because you have clarity that it's unbalanced and the friendship isn't adding any value to your life - then I think it's good self care.

This
Some of your friends won't be in touch and may never get in touch because they do not value your friendship enough to get in touch and you have to be aware of that risk if you do it, can your self esteem handle that right now?

However, the flip side is that it can be very empowering as it allows you to set boundaries about how people treat you and stop you waiting and getting upset when no one gets in touch and actually give you better self esteem.
but don't throw the baby out with bathwater, have a think about your friends that arent getting in touch, could there be other reasons why?(there might not be)

Could it be because of their own self esteem issues or their own problems as others have discussed in the thread. I say that as someone who wasnt able to get in touch with friends for almost a year because i was in a bad place and I lost many friends because I wasnt able to initiate. I did have one good friend that never gave up on me, never asked for more than I could handle, ie for me to initiate contact and for that I am so grateful.

I had a friend "test" me like this - what a relief! I'd had enough of hearing how other people did on her petty little score chart, how everything going on in their lives was really about her, how it wasn't kind for someone she designated her best friend to have a better friend (even though they were someone who was nicer to their friends and therefore had more). To think like this must be exhausting and I can't see how it makes anyone happy.

Do you enjoy seeing them, is it fun? Why can't it be that simple, you aren't entering into a relationship with them, with an unspoken contract, like a romantic relationship. If they bring more good to your life than bad, does any of the little stuff matter?

Interesting answers.
I think I'll be brave and quietly "start forgetting" some people and see what happens, even if the outcome is painful I prefer to know now.