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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH miserable Nan

33 replies

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:15

So we went for a drive yesterday and happened to end up 30 mins from dh's nans house, so I called her and asked if we could pop round for 10mins and made the point that we wouldn't stay for long as we had the kids etc plus didn't really want to impose on her. She lives with DH's dad and neither of them have yet seen our ds who's a few months old now. So her reply was "I'm doing the ironing so not really appropriate!" I feel a little bit upset to be honest. His dad's family make no effort with him or us. I guess it's one less Xmas card to write??

OP posts:

Ilovecoleslaw · 02/10/2017 12:16

How rude

FuzzyOwl · 02/10/2017 12:17

I hate people just coming round with little or no notice. Maybe it was a particularly bad time and the ironing was an excuse or perhaps she just didn't want to see you/have children round. It's too hard to judge or know on what little you have said.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 02/10/2017 12:19

You only have to read this forum to know some people don't' like surprise visitors, in fact they don't even open the door unless they are expecting the bell to ring what about parcels? and think it's an absolute infringment of privacy for family to have the temerity to visit without a written warning, in triplicate, three months in advance with an itinerary and slippers

Original poster

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:22

Just to say we used to often drop by before we moved down south and she always used to welcome us and this is because she always said we could drop by and eevn use her garden etc as at the time we lived in a flat. I thought she would have loved to meet her great grand baby!

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 02/10/2017 12:25

Could she have been offended that you were only stopping for 10 mins and not made the trip to see them particularly? Like they were an after thought?

Original poster

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:28

Possibly! I think she's just a bit old and grumpy tbh

OP posts:

CoughLaughFart · 02/10/2017 12:32

Maybe the house was a tip and she was embarrassed?

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 12:37

I am not a fan of unexpected visitors - However, if it was my kids or grandkids, (if I had grandkids,) then of COURSE they would be welcome with no warning. I don't often have much planned that couldn't be put off for half an hour or a couple of hours even.

If it was a friend or acquaintance or extended family member expecting to come, and have me entertain them and accommodate them for a few days - then no, but an hour-ish, then no worries.

I don't think it's fair to mock people who are not keen on visitors, and don't like answering the door, or don't like taking people parcels in by the way. Everyone is different, and people don't deserve to be mocked because they don't think like you.

I think the nan sounded a bit grumpy, but she is quite within her rights to not want visitors at any given time. You don't know what was going on in her life that day, or how she was feeling.

ilovesooty · 02/10/2017 12:38

You're seriously not writing her a Christmas card on account of this?

Original poster

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:40

Obviously sarcasm doesn't come across on Mumnet

OP posts:

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 12:41

@ilovesooty

You're seriously not writing her a Christmas card on account of this?

I am assuming that is a joke. I would hope so.

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 12:41

YEP, looks like it was a joke ^

Fruitcocktail6 · 02/10/2017 12:44

You would surely be expecting a parcel delivery, since you order whatever it is and get various emails and texts about when it is being delivered. Should hardly be a surprise.

As for the nan, maybe she doesn't want visitors. Maybe she doesnt like babies? Maybe she was busy. Leave her be.

User02 · 02/10/2017 12:50

I think she might be annoyed that you have come a certain distance to her area but could only spare her 10 minutes. I would have hoped to have more than 10 minutes with Grandson and his family. I am not that age at all but thinking ahead

Original poster

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:53

I said we would only stay 10mins as to be polite as I was aware we weren't invited! I said we had the new D's with us also!

OP posts:

LemonadeWithACherry · 02/10/2017 12:54

Thank you for what you said Ivy.

I hate unannounced visitors and do not answer the phone if I don't know the number. Both of those things cause me unnecessary stress that I can do without as I have MS and anxiety.

However none of that applies to my children, grandchildren or especially a new great grandchild I've never met! And it sounds like if she did have a genuine reason she could have said it more graciously. Having ironing to do is a shitty excuse to give, that a person couldn't give without realising how rude it sounds in my opinion.

coddiwomple · 02/10/2017 12:56

Big YABU!

She's elderly and might have a routine that works for her, and be very reluctant to change it at such a short notice.

Massively BU to think that you (anyone, not specially you OP) are so important that everyone has to drop their plans and change their days to accommodate you when you feel like popping in, because it's convenient for ^you". You might have a leisurely life, and nothing better to do, but other people are busy, have plans, have a messy house they don't want to show, there are plenty of reasons.

The worst people are the ones who think working from home means being free for a coffee and a chat all day.

Back to an elderly lady, she might have been delighted with more warning, time to prepare herself and a cake or whatever. Or maybe she was busy that day, ironing or something else, and she didn't want to change her plans. Some people are all over new babies, but for others they are not that interesting. Wait until someone "pops in" when you just putting yours to sleep.

Santawontbelong · 02/10/2017 13:00

Her loss op.
Your conscience is clear when you stop bothering with her. .
Ironing versus new baby.
Not just any baby-her as yet unseen ggc!!
Bizarre. . Just truly bizarre.

Deemail · 02/10/2017 13:00

She's probably feeling a bit miffed that you haven't been to see her or brought the new baby to see her yet and only decided to call because you were in the area
It sounds as though she was previously kind to you and the kids, inviting you around and use of her garden but now sees she's not special enough to make time for.
Age doesn't necessarily mean getting grumpy it can mean getting wiser to been taking for granted.

Gazelda · 02/10/2017 13:05

Maybe she's feeling hurt that you haven't been to take DS to see her before, and that you can only spare 10 mins this time (in her mind).

Medeci · 02/10/2017 13:12

YABU. You put her on the spot, she was probably in the middle of something that she didn't want to explain to you, or the house was a tip and she wasn't dressed.
Perhaps the ironing was the only excuse she could think of.

chestylarue52 · 02/10/2017 13:15

Yes you are being massively unreasonable.

nutnerk · 02/10/2017 13:16

Why not call again and arrange another visit, mentioning you're sorry it was last minute when you called and you've just been really busy with new baby etc but want her to meet them.

If she's grumpy about that then you know not to bother!

chocatoo · 02/10/2017 13:17

I would phone her and say something like that you were disappointed that she was busy at the weekend but would love to make a visit with the new baby and when would be convenient?

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 13:17

She's obviously a mumsnetter!

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