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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH miserable Nan

33 replies

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 12:15

So we went for a drive yesterday and happened to end up 30 mins from dh's nans house, so I called her and asked if we could pop round for 10mins and made the point that we wouldn't stay for long as we had the kids etc plus didn't really want to impose on her. She lives with DH's dad and neither of them have yet seen our ds who's a few months old now. So her reply was "I'm doing the ironing so not really appropriate!" I feel a little bit upset to be honest. His dad's family make no effort with him or us. I guess it's one less Xmas card to write??

OP posts:
neverundersold · 02/10/2017 13:31

My dad is is hs eighties and sometimes the thought of visitors horrifies him, although he is always pleased to see them in the end. He cant cope with the noise and upheaval especially if he is feeling off key that day. Try her again and give her a bit more warning so she can prepare herself.

MsPassepartout · 02/10/2017 13:48

I don't usually like unexpected visitors.

I like to have some notice so that I can make sure the house and family are reasonably tidy - right now, for instance, the house isn't visitor tidy and DH is still in his pyjamas.
Also so I have time to mentally prepare myself for being sociable. I can find that sort of thing stressful if it's thrust on me without warning.

No idea whether any of this applies in OPs case, but I'd try to let it go this time, and give her a bit more notice of any proposed visit next time.

SilverySurfer · 02/10/2017 14:03

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin
You only have to read this forum to know some people don't' like surprise visitors, in fact they don't even open the door unless they are expecting the bell to ring what about parcels? and think it's an absolute infringment of privacy for family to have the temerity to visit without a written warning, in triplicate, three months in advance with an itinerary and slippers

Not forgetting that some won't answer their phone unless they are expecting a call so the visitors couldn't call in advance to arrange a visit anyway Grin

Ivy79 · 02/10/2017 14:14

@coddiwomple

She's elderly and might have a routine that works for her, and be very reluctant to change it at such a short notice.

Massively BU to think that you (anyone, not specially you OP) are so important that everyone has to drop their plans and change their days to accommodate you when you feel like popping in, because it's convenient for ^you". You might have a leisurely life, and nothing better to do, but other people are busy, have plans, have a messy house they don't want to show, there are plenty of reasons.

The worst people are the ones who think working from home means being free for a coffee and a chat all day.

All of this ^

Especially this bit...

Massively BU to think that you (anyone, not specially you OP) are so important that everyone has to drop their plans and change their days to accommodate you when you feel like popping in, because it's convenient for "you"

And yeah, it is so annoying that people think you are free all the time because you do not have paid employment away from the house . And so are people who think you are available to look after your kids when it suits them too - just because you work from home.

Another thing that is annoying, is when someone is running a catalogue and they have multiple deliveries every day when they're not in, and they expect people to take them in and keep them til they can be bothered to pick them up. A woman in my road was doing this a while back (she has moved now,) and a few of us had to put a sign up on our front doors, saying 'we do not take in parcels for neighbours, so do not knock for this, and ask us to do so...'

I know someone who is a stay at home mum/housewife who is in her mid 50's. Her kids have left home, and she does not work (took early retirement at 50.) She had such a barrage of people expecting her to babysit, run errands, take them to appointments, take multiple packages in, give them lifts, etc etc, that after 2 years of it, she told them all she had got a part time job with random unpredictable hours, and would no longer be available for anything.

Just because she is without kids at home, and does not have a job, people assume she is just sitting there waiting for them to call and let her know what services they need from her! Only me and her husband and her daughter know she doesn't really have a job!

@LemonadeWithACherry

Thank you for what you said Ivy.

I hate unannounced visitors and do not answer the phone if I don't know the number. Both of those things cause me unnecessary stress that I can do without as I have MS and anxiety.

However none of that applies to my children, grandchildren or especially a new great grandchild I've never met! And it sounds like if she did have a genuine reason she could have said it more graciously. Having ironing to do is a shitty excuse to give, that a person couldn't give without realising how rude it sounds in my opinion.

You're welcome. Smile

Yeah it can be very stressful and upsetting for some people who suffer anxiety, and to mock and berate and take the piss because some people don't like unexpected visitors, is just rude.

@sloesloequickquickgin

Not forgetting that some won't answer their phone unless they are expecting a call so the visitors couldn't call in advance to arrange a visit anyway

Don't think I know anyone who doesn't answer the phone! Confused

Only someone who said they won't answer if they don't recognise the number. And why should they???

As I said, mocking people who think differently to you, and may suffer anxiety, is just plain rude.

Maybe your attitude towards them is very apparent, and this is why they don't like you visiting them.

Birdsgottafly · 02/10/2017 14:43

OP if you have the time to go for random drives, why haven't you arranged to go and see her before now?

Does your DH ever just phone her for a chat etc?

No-one likes to be thought of as an afterthought, especially when we age and are feeling largely surplus to Society anyway.

dottypotter · 02/10/2017 14:59

what an awful excuse its not as if she even said how about another time. She dosent sound bothered so don't you bother anymore.

velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 15:07

Thanks sorry that's what I was getting at. She was really rude and abrupt on the phone which is completely out of character for her. Really odd!

OP posts:
velvetcandy · 02/10/2017 15:10

Yeah I send her photos and cards regularly and chat from time to time on the phone. It's an odd one as a lot has gone on in the past between his dad and mum and relationships are a bit odd but DH has always maintained a good relationship with the nan. I've had a lot of health issues from bodged 4th csection and have only stared getting out and about to be honest. I'm more upset that they haven't come to see us to be blunt! Everyone knows what a crap time I've had recently, oh so my husband's were working away quite a lot he's been in Germany and other countries with business so yeah.

OP posts:
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