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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my job over someone else's affair?

34 replies

Anonanon100 · 02/10/2017 10:06

I've got to keep this really vague as the woman in question might be on here

I have a lovely job, it's not a career, but it's well paid, flexible and I'm generally treated well. However my manager has started an affair with another colleague, which only two of us know about (small business) and the couple in question don't know that I know.

I know vaguely the man's wife, and she is lovely. Would never harm anyone, a wonderful mum, and the last person who deserves a cheating twat for a husband. I do not know her well enough to tell her, plus then my work colleagues would know it was me who revealed all.

I ignored it at first but now it's really getting me down. I have to deal with seeing it every day. Because she is the boss of the small business they don't really make any real attempt to hide it. The other person who knows is close to both me and the boss, and she's said that they have no intention of telling anyone.

I feel so bad for the wife, and it's making me a bit depressed (partly due to my own relationship insecurities) and I don't want to have to deal with this at work. Not only that, but I have been forced to collude by lying about their wherabouts.

AIBU to leave my perfectly lovely job because of someone else's affair? Or should I crack on and try and ignore it?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2017 10:16

Not only that, but I have been forced to collude by lying about their wherabouts.

That's not on. Trouble is, as this is a small business, there isn't going to be an HR department.

I'd have to leave, sadly.

TheGoodWife16 · 02/10/2017 10:18

Lovely jobs are hard to come by. If you can ignore and carry on, that’s what I would suggest.

There’s no harm in jobseeking in case another equally lovely job just happens to be round the corner however.

I feel your pain. I overlooked many similar issues while in my best job ever. It ticked so many boxes that I felt I had no choice but to do so, but it was stressful from time to time as marital disharmony played out in the office.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/10/2017 10:27

No don't leave your job. By admission you say it's lovely and well-paid. Those sort of jobs aren't exactly falling from trees.
Let it go. If you can't find in yourself to tell the wife then so be it. Get on with work. Not everything in life is perfect. I'd however challenge with wrt colluding about their whereabouts. That's unreasonable. But don't resign because someone is having an affair.

rightnowimpissed · 02/10/2017 10:28

This situation it compelety unfair, could you not send the wife an anoymis note or something to try and force it to come out.

I couldn't sit back and let anyone else be made a fool of what absolute bastards.

Maybe be on the look out for a new job too, if that woman is willing to behave like this what would stop her from treating her empolyees badly if she felt like it, what a tramp.

Original poster

Anonanon100 · 02/10/2017 10:31

@rightnowimpissed

Unfortunately I can't send a note or anything, the other member of staff is friends with both me and boss so wouldn't tell his wife, so would be obvious who sent it.

OP posts:

SilverdaleGlen · 02/10/2017 10:34

Don't leave but don't collude that's not on. Just say "no sorry I'm not covering for something I absolutely do not agree with". And leave it at that.

Pair of pigs hope they get caught.

rightnowimpissed · 02/10/2017 10:39

I would anyway, things aren't going to get any better teh longer this runs on, perhaps if you find something else first then let rip and out them.

rightnowimpissed · 02/10/2017 10:40

Yes also do not cover for them, let them face the lies, His wife does not deserve this.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2017 10:41

If they're being this indiscreet at work then they're probably being this indiscreet elsewhere, surely it's possible to let her know without saying you work with them?

HiJenny35 · 02/10/2017 10:42

I'd leave and I'd tell the wife. She's basically being made a fool of and everyone knows apart from her. Her husband is a prick for not even bothering to hide his vile behaviour and deserves everything he gets and the wife, although heart broken now is better off without this scumball.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2017 10:43

I don't know whether you should leave your job or not because I'm not sure what your daily interaction will be like going forward. If it was to stop today how would you feel about working there? If it was exposed and the employee left how would you feel about working there?

MargaretTwatyer · 02/10/2017 10:44

Are you absolutely certain this is happening? Unless you've actually seen them kiss or have sex or one of them themselves has told you really don't know this for sure.

It all seems like a lot of gossip and speculation. I've seen an awful lot of trouble caused by people assuming close colleagues who are friendly must be shagging.

Who is the other person? Are you sure that they wouldn't benefit from you leaving? Could they want to stir?

HoHoHoHo · 02/10/2017 10:47

Getting involved in your colleagues' personal lives is never a good idea. You don't have to collude. You just have to remain professional and keep your nose out of it.

By all means look for a new job if you're unhappy but dont jeopardize your job by getting involved in this affair. Once you have an equal job to go to and a good reference then you can think of whether or not to tell.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 02/10/2017 10:54

I wouldn't be so sure you and your colleague are the only ones who know. They're hardly being discreet are they. Not sure what I can advise you really. Perhaps keeps your eyes open for other opportunities, doesn't do any harm to look.

Sad situation all round can't see it ending well for cheaters or poor wife.

Original poster

Anonanon100 · 02/10/2017 11:08

@MargaretTwatyer I don't want to reveal the connection/relationship between my other colleague and the boss but she wouldnt gossip nor spread lies

It's definitely happening.

OP posts:

SusanTheGentle · 02/10/2017 11:12

My aunt walked out of a job over this - but she was already over retirement age so it wasn't so much of a risk. The business owner was shagging one of the other employees and bitching to aunty about both him and the husband, and she just ragequit one day due to their general shittyness.

So YANBU to quit but do make sure you're going to another job if you're not financially secure.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/10/2017 11:16

It's difficult position to be in just refuse to cover up for them

You will always get affairs going on put adults together and it will happen wherever you work so don't leave your job that you love it's their business

Riv · 02/10/2017 11:17

Only you know what you can deal with, but good jobs with flexibility are hard to come by.
For me the difficulty would come with having to lie about their whereabouts.
You say that they have no intention of telling anyone, and that they don't know that you know. Also that you were able to ignore it but now find it getting you down and also that they don't try to hide the affair in the office.
Could these things be linked? As the affair develops they have become less discreet to the point that that you can't ignore it making you very uncomfortable?
You can't really deal with the betrayal of the wife without it affecting your job. I also get the feeling that you don't want to do it as it means doing it behind their backs making you as sneaky as they are. However, you may be able to deal with their behaviour in the office.
Maybe the way forward is to gently tell the boss, or her companion that you know due to their behaviour. Focus on the affect their behaviour could have on the professionalism and efficiency of the office rather than the affair itself. Try to be non judgemental (she's the boss and it's her affair after all) Maybe just knowing that their relationship is known due to their actions in the office (albeit by someone discreet) and could therefore affect the business will be enough to tone down things at least in a work setting.
This may then take the pressure off you and allow you to ignore it enough to feel more comfortable at work.

Ellie56 · 02/10/2017 11:23

I wouldn't leave a really lovely job. They are few and far between.It's soul destroying being in a crappy job.

Just get on with your work and ignore them. And I would refuse to lie for them. Just say you're sorry you can't do that.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 02/10/2017 11:23

God don't leave a job that sounds like a great one for you over other people's low standards. Why should you suffer?
Life is often unfair and not nice. But they are not doing anything illegal or unethical (immoral and horrible yes). You are not responsible for them. It will come out eventually , these things always do.
Don't cover anymore but just plead ignorance (I've no idea where they are etc). One thing you could do is have a quiet chat to boss in private saying you know, you disagree totally and want know nothing about it. However you will not cover and if the wife asked you directly (are a and b having an affair) you won't lie. This latter scenario is unlikely I guess.

coddiwomple · 02/10/2017 11:23

Don't leave, but start looking for something else. You have a good job so you are not in a rush, you can select the interviews you will go to. By focusing on other companies and roles, you will remove some of the current pressure.
If you don't find anything at all, or interview in horrible environments, you will appreciate your current role more.
if you find the right job for you, then you can leave.

Ellie56 · 02/10/2017 11:24

It's soul destroying

Ceto · 02/10/2017 11:26

Surely if they're not trying to cover it up any number of people could potentially know about it? For instance, are they going out to local restaurants together?

I would suggest you tell them that it's entirely their business but you are not prepared to lie to anyone to cover up for them. Then ignore them.

Ttbb · 02/10/2017 11:30

Just ignore it. If you were going to tell the wife then surely you would have done so by now.

AgathaF · 02/10/2017 11:32

Don't leave a good job over this. As other posters have said, good jobs are hard to find. You're just going to have to learn to ignore it and hope that it fizzles out sooner than later. You leaving would have no impact on the affair whatsoever. The poor wife though.

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