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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think parents' sexist attitude is reason for them not visiting/helping?

39 replies

windygallows · 01/10/2017 22:53

I have 2 DC and live an hour from my parents who are in their early 70s but still very active.

Parents last visited 5 years ago. 5 years ago!

In that time I've had DC2, divorced and kept working FT juggling everything, which has been hard. Parents have never visited or offered to help in any way despite it being very hard for me to keep it together.
Meanwhile parents regularly visit brothers, one who lives abroad and one who lives locally, partly as my father has business ventures with them and so is regularly is in touch to 'talk business'. They've also had a few problems and so he's spent time supporting them.

It feels like there's an assumption that I'm okay and don't need help because I'm a woman doing women's work and, you know, managing children on my own while working FT just comes naturally because, you know, I am a woman. Surely juggling all the domestic chores myself isn't a problem because, yes, I am a woman. Either that or my parents just find looking after children or spending time with children boring.

I should say that I try to see them every 4 months or so but they've never made the effort to do the same.

Would this make you cross? I'm trying to understand it but I can't help feeling that there's a lot of sexism underlying the way they are treating me/my DCs compared to my siblings.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 02/10/2017 00:33

Are they old fashioned and your brothers in traditional relationships? My grandad liked to ignore my divorced aunt’s existance,

reallyanotherone · 02/10/2017 00:42

We have it the other way.

My il’s see their dd as needing help, she is female so she has children, works full time, does all the housework. They are forever doing her washing, running the kids about, paying for petrol, new kitchen etc.

Dh is a bloke so doesn’t need any help as it’s my responsibility. And I’m not their child.

So yes, it can definitely be sexism depending on how they deal with gender roles.

KC225 · 02/10/2017 02:03

Have you asked them to come over. What would happen of you rang and said 'we'd really like to see you, what about coming over to us?' Or if you said, 'I could do with some help' An hour away is not that far. A lot of people commute more than that daily.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/10/2017 02:31

How often have you asked them for help? You "try" to see them 3 times a year ("every four months or so") and are upset that people in their 70's don't want to do... what? Childcare on demand - for children who don't even know them?

Your brother has spent time supporting your parents - have you?

misshelena · 02/10/2017 02:48

It might be if it's rooted in culture. Or maybe they just don't like you as much as they like your brothers.

topicOfTheDay · 02/10/2017 03:20

What are you basing the presumption of sexism on? How did you leap to this conclusion or is it simply a nice basis for a thread on AIBU?

It sounds to me like they aren't as fond of you as your siblings and it's easier to assume 'misogyny' than the truth.

user1471530109 · 02/10/2017 04:10

I'm not sure is sexism, OP. My parents are the same and are 20 years younger than yours.
They are very involved in both my 2 dsis lives. As in live over the road, babysit so often the DC has a bedroom at their house.

I've got two DC and recently divorced. I've just moved house. I asked to their face if they would please help (I had no one else to ask at all) and was told they were too busy. They then didn't even text to ask how the move went to over a week later.
Not once offered to babysit.

I used to get really upset over it. Now I've decided to just keep the distance they obviously want. I get you can't like everyone. But I will never treat my DC so different that even strangers comment Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2017 05:26

I can't imagine what in the hell their issue is, but I can promise I wouldn't be wasting my time to go visit them. How fucking awful of them. I think you should tell them EXACTLY how this makes you feel.

claraschu · 02/10/2017 06:23

Can you have an honest conversation with them about this?

FenceSitter01 · 02/10/2017 06:37

You're projecting. Actually you come across as quite an angry and stand offish person. Perhaps your parents just don't feel welcome? Relationships are a two way thing. I'm guessing, in the way many women do, you don't phone your mother daily or even weekly (nor she phone you) for chats and catch up? That simply isn't your relationship dynamic. if you aren't propagating the relationship you'd like, then you cant blame them for having a mutually beneficial relationship with your brothers.

missarcher · 02/10/2017 06:46

Maybe it comes across like you only want them to visit in order to get free childcare?

Mrscaindingle · 02/10/2017 07:03

As usual Fencesitter not at all living up to his/her user name Hmm

I would be really hurt by this, I'm not sure what else you can do about it other than as others have said asking directly for help. If it's not forthcoming then you have your answer and I would probably distance myself a bit more tbh. As others have said parents favour some of their children for many reasons it just so happens your sibs are male, it's not obvious that it's sexism at play here.

Original poster
windygallows · 02/10/2017 07:05

wow Fence sitter mean post. I'm not an angry person and I don't think my post sounds entitled.

BTW I call my parents regularly - every 2 weeks or so, send them things and email them a lot. I've never once asked them for free childcare nor told them I expect anything and I don't - that's not what I'm looking for. But I've spent years slogging it out on my own and not once have they said anything or even tried to lend a hand - not once.I think it is sexist as my parents just have very set views about what men and women do and have that traditional relationship.

I guess I'll just have to assume my parents like me a lot less than my siblings. sigh.

OP posts:
nogrip · 02/10/2017 07:07

You visit them 3 times a year at most, so they don't know your kids and vice versa.

You just have a more distant relationship with your parents than your brothers. If you want them more involved in your life then go and see them more often, build on that relationship and let them into your life.

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 02/10/2017 07:08

Next time you visit you should definitely say that you have a lot on, you're under a lot of pressure to keep all of the balls in the air, so it's their turn to come to you. Say it cheerfully and assertively, not tentatively.

redexpat · 02/10/2017 07:11

It might be sexist, it might just be a different dynamic. Either way you are being treated differently and yes its unfair and I would be upset too.

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 02/10/2017 07:11

My brother is the golden boy too. He could be talking about fiber optic cables and my dad would be hanging on his every word. I was filling my Mum with what was going on in Barcelona yesterday and my dad interrupted me to ask my brother what he thought. Literally EVERY time we go there there is an example like that. Brother = Golden Boy who knows everything and is a genius, apparently. Sister = weak chaotic one who needs help.

nappyrat · 02/10/2017 07:11

OP I would be upset / annoyed too. You don't sound at all entitled to me.

I'd tell them straight, politely.

Uptheduffy · 02/10/2017 07:14

It is not normal for fit and able to travel patents to make zero effort to visit their daughter and grandchildren.
I would have a frank conversation (leave out the sexism stuff, just ask them why) and I wouldn't keep up my own regular visits if they admit they can't be bothered. Maybe they don't feel welcome or some other reason you can work through.

Uptheduffy · 02/10/2017 07:16

Actually phone calls every two weeks or so and visits every four months or so is pretty minimal too imo. When it's only one hour away. What happened the last time they visited?

Ronnyhotdog · 02/10/2017 07:21

My parents are similar, I don't think it's sexism though. They only have the ability to be supportive to one of their children at a time. They supported me a long time ago for 6 months now it's my dsis turn and they treat their 45yr old daughter like a child and she laps it up. Poor brother has never had a look in.
We didn't have a great childhood, I'm the youngest and honestly think they just dislike my family, particularly dh. I'm slowly disconnecting myself from them, it's hard but I think I'll be better off mentally the less contact I have with them.

llangennith · 02/10/2017 07:23

You've probably given them the impression that you're Superwoman, coping just fine and don't need anybody's help thank you very much. If they didn't know you struggled how could they offer to help?
With such limited contact you're not close to them.

MinervaSaidThat · 02/10/2017 07:29

They sound awful. I don't know why everyone is telling you the onus is on YOU to visit them more, even they choose to visit their sons and never visit you.

I would make clear it's not on. If you're upset, show it.

If they still don't step up, then my visits would get damned more infrequent.

Original poster
windygallows · 02/10/2017 07:30

I'm in touch regularly but we are not the kind of family that call each other every single day. Every two weeks is what my parents feel comfortable with - I've sometimes called more frequently and I can tell they're trying to get off the phone. And I have tried to visit more frequently but they've kept it limited. I am sometimes in town and have tried to drop in and they've told me that they don't like that - they prefer scheduled visits.

In general we're just not the kind of family that live side by side, see each other every Sunday, and 'my parents are my best friends'. But equally I wouldn't have thought that they would be so totally disinterested in me!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 02/10/2017 07:34

I, too, am surprised that you only visit your parents every 4 months as you live so near. In my family we all visited our dps at least once a fortnight from that distance. Some of my siblings made daily calls. Some of us weekly. My dps rarely visited us unless formallly invited but they did krep dc over night if we had a wedding etc. They also had dcs to stay in the holidays with their cousins. I think you need to reach out to them more. Npt for anything but because they are getting older. Remember, soon it will be your dc visiting you. Will you be happy with every 4 months if tbey live that close.

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