AIBU to think parents' sexist attitude is reason for them not visiting/helping?

[windygallows]

I have 2 DC and live an hour from my parents who are in their early 70s but still very active.

Parents last visited 5 years ago. 5 years ago!

In that time I've had DC2, divorced and kept working FT juggling everything, which has been hard. Parents have never visited or offered to help in any way despite it being very hard for me to keep it together.
Meanwhile parents regularly visit brothers, one who lives abroad and one who lives locally, partly as my father has business ventures with them and so is regularly is in touch to 'talk business'. They've also had a few problems and so he's spent time supporting them.

It feels like there's an assumption that I'm okay and don't need help because I'm a woman doing women's work and, you know, managing children on my own while working FT just comes naturally because, you know, I am a woman. Surely juggling all the domestic chores myself isn't a problem because, yes, I am a woman. Either that or my parents just find looking after children or spending time with children boring.

I should say that I try to see them every 4 months or so but they've never made the effort to do the same.

Would this make you cross? I'm trying to understand it but I can't help feeling that there's a lot of sexism underlying the way they are treating me/my DCs compared to my siblings.

June my parents determine how frequently I see them, not the other way around. In 5 years I've been down to see them at least 25 times. They've visited once for lunch.

Not sure why you're placing all the onus on me.

Have you invited them over? You've not said they've refused or ignored your invitations. Maybe it's as simple as that... you're waiting for them to come... they're waiting to be invited! Perhaps there's a parallel post on Gransnet (or whatever) saying they would love to visit their daughter but she never ever invites us, and we don't want to presume by inviting ourselves over as she clearly doesn't want us involved in her life much!

I've invited them many times as well as to school events (end of year galas) that sort of thing. Most times my dad is either too busy or says he'll come up and then isn't able to/backs out. They know that they are welcome any time as I say it regularly - but perhaps less so now as I sound like a broken record and it feels like nagging them to do something that they just don't want to do.

Hmmmmm. While I am sure you wouldn't accuse your parents of sexism without good reason, could there be that AND something else going on here? You sound a bit like you're the neglected kid of the family - help and support are there for your siblings but not for you? It's amazing how some families can simply ignore the suffering of one person out of convenience - often scapegoating them in the process.

i'd stop making the effort with them. see if they notice. your energies are better spent elsewhere. v hurtful.

This is tragic and shocking the op is getting remotely blamed!!! Her parents have stepped foot in her house once in 5yrs but yet they treat her brothers differently. Obviously the business link could be why they see the brothers as much.

This would honestly make me really sad and I’m not sure I could bring myself to make an effort with such thoughtless parents.

I don’t know why people suddenly say that the children have as much if not more responsibility to see their parents in adulthood I think it’s utter crap. No matter what you are still the parent and need to be part of their lives however they let you fit in. Il certainly not be waiting for my kids to call and hopefully il be blessed to still be allowed to help them and be part of their adult lives because I continue to be a supportive parent that wants to be around them. That’s what everyone deserves.

Ok, so you have invited and made an effort... In which case I don't think I could resist asking your parents why they never visit, especially when they do so with their others. I'd let them know how hurtful their neglect is.

Is there any reason why they might be acting in this way, a previous argument that was never resolved for instance?

I should probably ask my parents the simple reason why but I think they'd be embarrassed to be pulled up like that. You can't really force someone to care. And I don't think it would change things.

coconut - we haven't had a falling out, we do get on. I've come to the conclusion that they just like their own company and aren't that interested in me/my life/my DCs. Sometimes it's the simplest answer.

That's pretty bad if them. I would ask them outright if there's a particular problem with visiting you. It's just possible that it's become a habit that you go to them. Or that they hate your spare bed or the journey to yours. In other words, unless you ask or say it's an issue it's not going to change.

People do fall into poor habits sometimes without fully realising it. However, if you do ask be prepared to hear an answer you don't like. That's unlikely but possible.

How are they with you and dc when you visit and how long do you stay? If they are uninterested then as well shame on them.

Matilda - they only ever visit for one day and we usually go out for lunch/dinner so the issue isn't so much my home. I just think they like their own company, enjoy occasional short visits that I organize, but don't want more than that. They are happy to get pics of DCs but don't want to change their usual agendas for them - so when we visit we go to restaurants they want. They've never ever taken my DCs out anywhere and never done 'children's' things with them like go to a museum or a park. Not once.

Essentially we have to slot into their lives.

You say your dad sees your brothers because of a business connection. Do they also do nice things with their kids, see them, go to school events, babysit etc? If so then I would definitely ask them why they show little interest in your family when they show loads in your siblings'.

If they don't do those things, then perhaps they simply aren't fussed about their grandkids and they more if a "reason" to see other members of your family.

Either way I would have to say something.

I agree with you OP. I don't think you need to ask them to explain themselves because nothing is going to change. And even if they think you are the reason why they prefer your brothers, it's not your fault. You were the child, and if there was something you did that they didn't like, it was their job to guide you. They failed. Not you.

Just accept that you are their least favorite and stop trying to change their minds. Stop being proactive, take what they offer and no more. Let it be, it's the only way to feel peace.

I would have to ask out of curiosity and to decide how much effort to go to myself.

"Out of interest as I'm on the verge of stopping making the effort, why do you never seem to want to come and see us. It's been a pretty difficult few years and a bit of moral support would be nice" (If you feel able to say the second sentence)

You can judge form their answer whether to give up.

I think if they really can't be bother, that you're flogging a dead horse going to see them. Family do have to be prepared to at least show an interest if they want to be considered family (yes even parents/siblings).

But I would in fairness ask as they may be a bit blinkered to the fact that you would actually like them to take an interest.