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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be confused about my relationship.

28 replies

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 17:10

I have been with my boyfriend about two years.

We are mid 20s.

We are in what I think is a serious relationship I live at home with my mom he lives alone in a flat.

When we first met we seen each other everyday as we both used to finish work early as we started early. Then shifts changed we seen each other every weekend and maybe one night in week. Fine whatever work comes first tbh and stuff comes up not practical to see someone everyday and get stuff done (and not get fed up lol)

So we went on holiday and we did fall out on the last day however we did make up. Since we have got back I've seen him most days stuff have been going well.

So lately he always says stuff like oh you live here now and we make a joke of it if it comes up etc. ( I don't live there. I don't want to it's tiny no room I want to buy a house I wouldn't rent he knows this so it is very much a joke in my eyes. )

But this weekend he has said things like. Your always here. You have moved in. And to the dog she's always here now etc

I feel like he is joking but he isn't. I'm so confused should I just not go round now I have said to him I'll just not come round anymore or you come to mine now as I'm here all the time but he just doesn't say anything

Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar I'm on my phone on the desktop version so it's just a nightmare.

I'm so confused this is such a stupid trivial
Problem sorry to anyone with actual problems who reads this and thinks wtf grow up 😂🙈

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 01/10/2017 17:24

So he's basically telling you that you are there too often and have 'moved in'.

I think he doesn't want to come over as often. Tbh he seems to be quite rude to you

Sn0tnose · 01/10/2017 17:31

I think he's trying to tell you, in a very childish way, that he feels like you're seeing each other too much. I think if it was just a case of spending too much time at his, then he would have jumped in when you suggested spending more time together at yours.

I'd also be a little concerned that he didn't try & reassure you when you said you wouldn't come round anymore.

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 17:33

What do you think I should do just not see him this week and wait for him to initiate us seeing each other next ?

OP posts:
PenelopeStoppit · 01/10/2017 17:38

Do you have the same plans for the future of your relationship? Is this something you have ever even discussed? I thought I was in a serious relationship in my twenties but at a friend's wedding, which we both attended, it became clear we had very different ideas about where we were heading. We both decided quickly that was the end of it as we didn't feel it was worth our time continuing; he was in it for short term fun whereas I had hoped for a future together and possibly children. After two years together you may need to have this conversation. You will then be clearer about what exactly he is implying with his comments although I do agree it sounds like he wants space.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2017 17:40

He's being very childish and you can either dial things back and wait to see if he comes to you and makes more effort, or have a proper chat about what works best for you both, ask him to stop making little comments and be honest with you.

Two years in, have you spoken about moving in together? When, where, how you'll afford it?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 17:44

I wouldn't complicate this by moving in. It sounds as though he is complaining that you are there too often. I'd pull right back and see what he does.

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 17:47

That's probably why I'm so confused sorry don't mean to drip feed at all

We have spoken about our plans for future yes. I want to buy my own house which I live in now hopefully next year.then hopefully in about three years time he will either move into my house and we carry on saving (depends how much we have )or buy a house in the area we have said we want to live in

We have agreed to have one child in about six years time and we are not sure about marriage yet.

Nothing is set in stone but I mean it's not like it's a 'casual' relationship... for me anyway lol.

Mybrilliant- I don't want to move into his at all. It's to small we both know I don't want to live there that's why I'm confused.

He is defo just hinting for me to be there less isn't he.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 01/10/2017 17:53

I think your plans sound a bit odd to be honest.

Surely when you discuss living together it's not 'three years' time would be ideal' - it's more 'I'm ready' or 'I'm not ready yet - let's revisit in a few months'.

And agreeing to have a child in 6 years is again a bit odd - what's happening in 6 years rather than 5 or 7? It sounds a bit odd.

Also, everyone is different but I personally wouldn't consider children unless I was married. Kids are a bigger commitment than houses and marriage - if I wasn't willing to do the the first two together then no way kids.

Are you both totally on the same page? Or is he stringing you along with these random timescales?

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 17:58

I supose. I mean it's not set in stone but it's just one of them things when your discussing your future together you say rough things. It could be all backwards it could go exactly how we said

I was just trying to explain we had spoke about the future we arnt just a bit of fun

Thanks xx

OP posts:
amusedbush · 01/10/2017 18:25

I'm not a fan of vague plans like that. DH and I got together at 22, moved in together one year later, got engaged a year after that and were married 18 months later. I just couldn't live any other way, I need to know where I stand and where I'm heading. I get that not everyone wants to be married at 25 but a firm agreement between a couple is a must.

Him hinting about you always being there is a bit childish - he needs to come out and say what he wants from you!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 18:34

You should be very wary of having a baby with someone when you're not married to them. If your career suffers as a result (and that impact can last years) and your pension suffers, then if the relationship ends then you are the only person who suffers from the financial impact.

gamerwidow · 01/10/2017 18:41

It is insane to be discussing starting a family albeit a long way off when you don't even live together.
Starting a family in 6 years just feels like a random date a long time in the future he has picked to fob you off.
I think he doesn't want you round so much which isn't terrible in itself but is a problem if you want more from this relationship now.

FenceSitter01 · 01/10/2017 18:41

Does he own or rent?

TBH, if you've not moved in together after two years, when there is no bar to it, then this relationship is treading water. I think I'd be reviewing my options and moving on.

RedSkyAtNight · 01/10/2017 18:45

So based on that plan, he'll move into your house 5 years after you started going out?

5 years is a very long time to be together before moving in.

Moving into your house keeps the committment at arms' length.

I'd have another serious chat if I were you - not sure this relationship is going anywhere!

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 18:53

He rents.

No point me moving into his 1.5 bedroom flat paying money for nothing.

I'd rather stay at home and live rent free and save the money towards buying the house.

He would still live at home to however he doesn't have a good relationship with family.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 19:00

It's normal at your age to grow out of a relationship. Perhaps take a step back and make sure you still go out with your friends and keep your options open?

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 19:02

Thanks

I don't want to be in the position where I loose myself in a relationship so I am conscious to keep focused on work and friends etc and myself.

I think I'll start back to the gym this week so I'm doing my own thing a bit more

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 19:26

I think it's good to mix with people who have healthy relationships, too, and to mentally compare your own to theirs. Always have in mind someone who's really decent and kind and hardworking, then if your partner isn't making you happy, think, "Would X ever behave like that?" Women get very used to accepting really bad behaviour off men - it's easier if you've got someone in mind who you think would make an ideal partner.

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 19:36

Tbh how my friends talk about their boyfriends makes me grateful lol

Update: I text him and said (not full texts just general jist)

Feel like u said to many things about me being at urs a lot this weekend rather you just told me straight instead of saying it then claiming to be joking

He said
Bit gutted that’s how u feel I honestly haven’t ment anything by it obviously I enjoy u coming round we have fun and we have been getting on well xx

Still not going to go round as much anymore. Hopefully will still go back to the gym however no promises lol

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 01/10/2017 19:46

Could he be hinting that by staying at his home but not financially contributing, you are getting the benefits but non of the responsibilities.

Do you eat at his home? Do you contribute to food or help clean etc? Could this be what he is hinting at?

Original poster
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 20:04

we say we take it in turns however It's mostly me that pays and provides meals and snacks drinks etc.

I also cook all the meals which I provide.

I don't mind this as I'm at his & showering there etc

He has less disposable income than me.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/10/2017 20:20

Hmm I think in your sort of relationship you should split things equally. You earn more; you should benefit from that. It causes less resentment in the long run.

Orchid2017 · 01/10/2017 21:25

I also think he might be hinting that you should contribute as you Are spending a lot of time there.

missarcher · 02/10/2017 05:47

So your there pretty much everyday? Do you stay the night or just go to visit

picklemepopcorn · 02/10/2017 06:51

I think you may need to back off a bit, and reconsider the future. Also, you want to be careful financially about the house and baby. You could find yourself with a long term financial commitment to support him that you might resent in time.