Is It me or him .

[Lifeflys]

Hi new to this I just want a bit of guidance if it me or not ,
I've been with what I thought was my soal partner of and on for 4 years .. we don't live together he has his own place ,
I no no one is perfect so I've kind of pushed a lot of things to the side ,
He's a perfect family man , brilliant with my kids , help them and me in any way possible, he's so loving !
Caring , will help with money if needed - although I don't need help that way , he's literally perfect in that respect ..
but there's another side - he's paranoid ,
E.g. If I mention a guys name I get quizzed about it to the point it makes me feel like a child getting told off ,
E.g. My son was getting picked up to go to the gym by a guy that trains with him , I mentioned this to my o/H then I was asked who is he , how old , has he ever creeped on me or sent me text ,
He's relentless on this sort of thing , I learnt to not mention things like this then no issues would arise ,
Then there's fb he hates it , so I turned it off to avoid his insecurities,
Issues stopped ,
He doesn't like me having friends but he does ,
I mentioned this then he cleverly twist things round to he doesn't have friends he just sees them at the pub in a Friday and says he doesn't have a issue me having friends .. , but if I was to go to a pub meet my mates instead of meeting him he wouldn't like it , he's a clever way of manipulating things ,
The other night was a shocker I met him at the pub for the last hour ( he conveniently gets paid in a pub so spends 2 hours there ) we was supposed to have family night - my little one and his little one , so he set off to meet his ex with the little one with his friend he asked me to call at the shop and get a 4 pack .. , I took his sister to drop her little one at a party then went to the shop then to his , I was met by a Sharp face saying in a stern voice .. were gave u been .. my mates been sat here an hour had no drink and gas to WALK home !!! Omg that just blew me away ! I didn't say anything as didn't even no how to start plus the face the kids were now there , so you can imagine I wasn't my self ..
he kept asking what's wrong so I explained .. he said sorry if it came across that way but are you going to be like this all night , another blow .. so I just said look I don't no I'm pretty upset at the mo I can't just snap out of it , a bit later he apologised again but I just couldn't snap out of it , I was quiet most the night which I new he wasn't happy with , I said I'm going to go home so not to spoil the night , he got a bit miffed at this and said oh go on then , the kids cried :( begged me to stay so I agreed , he apologised again I was still quiet tho b I just couldn't help it ! So we goes to bed end up cuddling , he said are we ok I said yes this will be different in the morning .. I stared to go to sleep then I here him getting up he says I'm sleeping down stairs !!?
That just ended it for me I said in going home I'm tired abs can't sleep when it's like this your making me feel uncomfortable.. he replied well that's how I've felt for 4 years ! I needed sleep and new I wasn't gonna get any ..
Ok so I had to get my little one out of bed as he was working first thing , she gets upset , I feel awful he looks at me saying are you happy with your self ! And if you walk out that door it over with us , don't contact me again ! .. anyway I did leave and havnt contacted him ,
Was this my fault ?
Is it me ?

No, he's a controlling arse and you need to kick him to the curb

Well done OP, be strong and don't let him back in

I think you did the right thing. This sounds like no way to live. It was also affecting your children.

He sounds like he had a hold over you. And he gas lighted you when you asked him.

You're way better off out. Don't go back. Take care of yourself and your lo

Run for the hills - red flags all over here

It's him. Well done for not putting up with it last night. Despite his good qualities I think you will be more and more miserable if you stay with him.

Its definitely him. Be strong.

Four years is more than enough to put up with shit like this. Thank God you don't live with him and are financially & domestically independent. It doesn't sound like a happy, enjoyable, relaxed relationship at all. I would definitely stay away from him. There's something much better out there for you.

Thanks Shylo I do feel the controlling if I'm honest , I just needed to make sure it wasn't me because he's very good at making me feel it's me ,
My head tells me no one is perfect and you get these issues in relationships it's normal .
But my heart tells me it's not normal
I just needed to here from others what they think , some home truth I suppose ,
I've told my kids it's over now so no going back , I feel like it's a do as I say not as I do relationship ,
But he's so perfect in every other way I just put up With it , :/

Thanks for the replies I feel more confident, Friday I walked out , before I did it's the first time I actually looked at him and didn't like him , even though things like this happen quite often I normally brush it to one side thinking no relationship is perfect just get on with it ..
I cried my eyes out this morning not for walking out but for the 4 years I've been blinded and waisted ,
But now I'm stuck with the problem I have no friends , I'm self employed so don't work with girls my area to make friends , I don't have friends because it was another issue in the relationship, I wouldn't no how to make friends again ,
I do have my kids though that I'm thankful for , not his thank god ,
How do you even get back into life after this :(

Sounds exactly like my ex arsehole.
Controlling emotionally and financially
I had to delete Facebook, couldn't have any friends couldn't go out and do what I wanted
Best thing I ever did was when he went out for the day my family came and helped me clear the house and disappear before he got back
Fast forward a few years I have friendships back I have my life back and I'm now engaged to the most amazing man with baby on the way, it's been tough but doable
I got myself a new job
Reconnected with people on social media
And took up a hobby to meet new people.
There are wonderful people out there

OP, you just do it one day at a time. Let yourself grieve first. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You'll find that your life will eveolve naturally as new things come in to replace him. Maybe you'll join fb and start making more social connections. You'll have more time and opportunities to meet people too. For now, maybe plan something nice to do today?

Stay away from him.
He's manipulating you and your family.
You can make friends and contact the ones you had before. Explain the situation you've been in, many of them will understand.

Thanks sarahrose glad it's not just me , I always thought it was my fault for not being stronger , I just gave in to make things right and it worked so I kept bending over backwards ,
I just never understud he was with his ex 10 years , she had fb and a lot of friends which she went out with ect , so I think was it my fault for allowing this ..
but yes I have no friends , not 1 ,
I'm 36 so not easy to make friends my age , I work quite far from my area also ,
I just feel a bit lost now , I don't feel like contacting him though which is a big bonus , I actually feel relived .

Him him him.

Well done

Yes I agree with you both I told him he was manipulating- but he says it's me .. I am taking the kids out later on to get out the house try have some fun , I just feel a bit empty at the mo ,
most things would be twisted to be my fault , but other days he would say it's him 99% of the time ,
I don't no but I do no I can't carry on like this , and I'm sat here feeling the guilty one ..

He is without doubt a manipulative tossed. Stay away. It is all him and not at all you.

Thank you I'm balling my eyes out again :( wish I wasn't so bloody soft in the first place maybe this wouldn't of happened , I just can't get my head around he wasn't like this with his ex , he would stay in and watch the kids while she went out and had a good social life , that's why I think is it me for being so soft .
Just 2 weeks ago he ignored me for a week because when he told me he was finishing work early so was going for a few drinks with his mum I sent a text saying oh ok I thought you might of come up to mine to see us for a bit , well he said that's me being controlling so ignored me for a week , so this weekend was the final blow for me .
I've actually woke up to the fact I can't live like this .

Re open your Facebook, get back in touch with people he's kept you away from and try to meet up with a few of them. That'll help you remember why you don't want to be with a controlling arsehole, do not go back, it'll only get worse.

Well done for leaving, keep your spirits up, your don't want to live like that

You're well rid of the tosser.

Of course he's going to do his damnedest to pull you back because he doesn't want to lose his plaything.

There is no reason on earth for you and a partner not to be equal partners in a relationship with equally valid needs and viewpoints. If you looked in from the outside, it would look utterly bizarre that a man would get to tell his female partner what to do, where the can go, who they can spend time with.... How the hell does he get to assume any more authority or wisdom, simply because he has a penis?

So there's no wonder you stopped liking him. He's a nasty arse with an inflated sense of his own worth. He sees himself as superior to you. Naughty naughty life for daring not to put up with his ridiculous shit for any longer.

Both hit the nail on the head , the more comments I read the more relived I feel , he does probably feel superior to me your right that makes sense , he's very clever though , he pushed my mates away not by telling me to buy by sly digs that he doesn't like them and I should stay away , or he has caused trouble with them in the past while out - which they stud up to him so of corse it was deemed there fault ,
I wouldn't even dare patronise half of my lost friends trying to get back in touch as I no now what Ive actually done ..
the face book he never asked me to turn it off he would just quiestion me about it a LOT .. and ask if I had male friends on it which I didn't , he would say I spend too much time on it , I found out he was watching my time stamp ..
I turned it off in the end ,
He's very clever the way he does things , I won't go back now because of how bad I felt at my little one crying having to go home , she cried all the way home and in my bed for an hour , that broke my heart , I'm very close to my kids I won't see them hurt ever ,
I've already changed my number , I've opened my fb account he's going to flip when he finds that out !
Glad I posted I'm sick of feeling the guilty one , I don't this time .

DUDE!!!!
LTB!!!

God he sounds awful! A good relationship is one where the not-perfect bits about them are that they leave their socks on the floor, or sing daft songs when drunk, or never remember to put the top back on the toothpaste. Your ex's not-perfect bits are well up there in run-for-the-hills-from-this-abusive-bastard territory, so good on you for getting away from him. I'll bet that the reason you feel you don't have friends is that he isolated you from them (another red flag) - I bet you find you gain a lot more now he's not around!

Thanks for relies , I'm not sure what LTB means ?
And yes jam your right he made it too hard for me to have friends , he wanted all my time when we first met , when I did go out with friends he would start saying I'm putting them first ect or constantly call me ,
Then he nip picked at them 1 by 1 , funny thing is one of them who he said he hated .. said he messaged her on fb once on a brake we had asking her out , he admitted it but said it was her not him .. I think I no now ..
and that's my problem I don't no what's normal and what's not any more , he always says every one has ups and downs in relationships and it's normal .. so I never new what was normal what wasn't to the point my head was telling me different from my heart , I was living in a daze like a robot , but feeling sepresses , all I ever did was try please him my life revolved around him while he just did what he wanted ..
because while I was being and doing what he wanted me to do and be he was perfect :(
Well I've booked bowling tonight for me and the kids take my mind away from it , it's been a grate help with the replies x

Your life will be so much simpler without him controlling you and making you second guess everything you do and who you speak to etc.
I agree with pp. Get yourself back on Facebook and reconnect with people. Message your old friends to see if they fancy meeting up or coming over.

Thank you , I agree life will be more simple , I've actually enjoyed tonight with the kids , first time I've felt free in a long time and I actually laughed and meant it , appreciate all the replies it's really helped me :) ,
Onwards and upwards !

Your old friends may be glad to hear from you. It's not patronising to reach out and just see if a friendship is still there