Is It me or him .

[Lifeflys]

Hi new to this I just want a bit of guidance if it me or not ,
I've been with what I thought was my soal partner of and on for 4 years .. we don't live together he has his own place ,
I no no one is perfect so I've kind of pushed a lot of things to the side ,
He's a perfect family man , brilliant with my kids , help them and me in any way possible, he's so loving !
Caring , will help with money if needed - although I don't need help that way , he's literally perfect in that respect ..
but there's another side - he's paranoid ,
E.g. If I mention a guys name I get quizzed about it to the point it makes me feel like a child getting told off ,
E.g. My son was getting picked up to go to the gym by a guy that trains with him , I mentioned this to my o/H then I was asked who is he , how old , has he ever creeped on me or sent me text ,
He's relentless on this sort of thing , I learnt to not mention things like this then no issues would arise ,
Then there's fb he hates it , so I turned it off to avoid his insecurities,
Issues stopped ,
He doesn't like me having friends but he does ,
I mentioned this then he cleverly twist things round to he doesn't have friends he just sees them at the pub in a Friday and says he doesn't have a issue me having friends .. , but if I was to go to a pub meet my mates instead of meeting him he wouldn't like it , he's a clever way of manipulating things ,
The other night was a shocker I met him at the pub for the last hour ( he conveniently gets paid in a pub so spends 2 hours there ) we was supposed to have family night - my little one and his little one , so he set off to meet his ex with the little one with his friend he asked me to call at the shop and get a 4 pack .. , I took his sister to drop her little one at a party then went to the shop then to his , I was met by a Sharp face saying in a stern voice .. were gave u been .. my mates been sat here an hour had no drink and gas to WALK home !!! Omg that just blew me away ! I didn't say anything as didn't even no how to start plus the face the kids were now there , so you can imagine I wasn't my self ..
he kept asking what's wrong so I explained .. he said sorry if it came across that way but are you going to be like this all night , another blow .. so I just said look I don't no I'm pretty upset at the mo I can't just snap out of it , a bit later he apologised again but I just couldn't snap out of it , I was quiet most the night which I new he wasn't happy with , I said I'm going to go home so not to spoil the night , he got a bit miffed at this and said oh go on then , the kids cried :( begged me to stay so I agreed , he apologised again I was still quiet tho b I just couldn't help it ! So we goes to bed end up cuddling , he said are we ok I said yes this will be different in the morning .. I stared to go to sleep then I here him getting up he says I'm sleeping down stairs !!?
That just ended it for me I said in going home I'm tired abs can't sleep when it's like this your making me feel uncomfortable.. he replied well that's how I've felt for 4 years ! I needed sleep and new I wasn't gonna get any ..
Ok so I had to get my little one out of bed as he was working first thing , she gets upset , I feel awful he looks at me saying are you happy with your self ! And if you walk out that door it over with us , don't contact me again ! .. anyway I did leave and havnt contacted him ,
Was this my fault ?
Is it me ?

I had this 1 friend , she came into the same pub as me and him a couple of years ago , she asked me to come to the toilet with her so I did , she said why are you with him he's horrible , I said don't be like that , she said you can do so much better , he came into the toilet saying what's taking you so long I followed him out like the little dog I was , my friend stud at the bar staring at him , I could feel him getting angry , he went into the next room then came back in , with in 5 mins his sister flew in attacking this girl , I grabbed his sister tight , my friend and her friends ran off ..
I said to him did you call your sister .. he says no .. I was that blinded I believed him , but I think he did ,
My friend rang me up the next day saying I can't believe you let that happen , I said I didn't I grabbed his sister off you , her friends said I didn't .. but I did , her friends ran out before her so wouldn't if even known but my friend didn't believe me , another friend was out on a night out , he spat on her , he tells me they all start on him , which I probably believe a few did stand up to him yes , and no they don't deserve that , I was just blinded by how charming he is the rest of the time , he would cry and beg me back if I ever ended it ,
Is so clever the way he is , so my friends after all he has done will not forgive me , I have tried in the past and I don't blame them . I suppose that's abother reason I stayed with him , lonleyness . Not this time thoogh because now my little one has been affected I won't allow that .

I think you've made the right decision

Maybe look into the Freedom Programme to see why you stayed with him and help you find a healthier future relationship when you're ready

Horrible, controlling and abusive.

I'm glad you're out. Look after yourself

glad you got rid. don't take him back. He will probably try to persuade manipulate to give it another go. don't, just stay strong.

Thank you all and I was thinking at some kind of corse to do for my self to understand why I put up with it myself , I'm a really nice person so I just assumed if I wasn't so soft this wouldn't of happened in the first place .

It's nothing to do with being nice; I'm really nice but I also have boundaries and I know what I will and won't tolerate in a relationship. I think you should look for an assertiveness course as well and don't rush into anything new until you've worked on understanding yourself better

You're well rid. And bear in mind that given he was the one who said that if you walk out the door it's over that means that if he tries crawling back you can legitimately say to him that as this was what he wanted you've thought on it and you agree that you're no good for each other so time to go your separate ways.

Then block his number and forget about him.

I defiantly will be looking into these courses , I need to no how I've let this happen for so long ,
I do have boundaries , he knows I would never allow arguing around my children or his , I won't allow my children to be affected by my relationship, he does respect that bit , I won't tollarare shouting at all, kids there or not , so he stopped with the raised voices but his voice changed to a talk at me rather than to me voice when angry ..
he said I was too demanding and he can't do anything right ..
but the things I ask for are nothing bad just respectful ,
He can't contact me in my mobile because I've changed my number . He did call my house phone this morning I forgot about that one !
He just asked for his stuff he has here as I did washing now and again for him , he said I've tried calling your mobile I think I'm blocked ..
can I pick my stuff up later , I said no I will drop it off at your mothers
I then put the phone down , I actually feel ok today , I no things will never change he can be the best guy in the world but other times he can be the worse . It's just not worth the stress of knowing which he will be and when .

I think you will have to be really strong, well
done on doing it so far.
You say your kids aren't affected by your relationship but they were crying at his house... keep that in your mind when he tries to get round you.

Yes I agree my child was affected this time that's what made me leave regardless , it broke my heart seeing her upset , I'm feeling ok today
Appreciate the feedback it has helped me realise it's not me ,
Feeling strong .

I would still reach out to your friends and explain you were blind to what was going on. You never ever know.