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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To back out of house purchase

53 replies

Goldfishshoals · 30/09/2017 00:10

We've accepted an offer on our house. DH had agreed that when we sold we'd move into my parents house rent free if necessary (they don't live there atm - it's complicated!) so we had plenty of time to look for a house.

However, ever since we accepted the offer he's been saying he doesn't want to move into my parents place, pay for storage of our stuff etc, it will be a nightmare, so we've been rushing round trying to find a place to live. We've both liked a couple of houses but been outbid, but largely we disagree (he likes quite areas suburban house with garages etc, I prefer something closer to town with walking distance amenities).

Last weekend we saw a house he liked. It's a long way from town so I wasn't keen, but I feel all this pressure about how we have to get somewhere or we will lose the buyer etc. So I agreed we'd put in a low ball bid on Monday and see what happened (our other offers have taken a week or so of back and forth before they accepted - I thought I'd have time to think about this). Anyway, they refused, DH quickly upped the bid (despite my reluctance), and they accepted.

DH celebrated. I cried. DH then got mad at me saying I shouldn't have agreed to bid, and that he'd withdraw our offer of I wanted but he'd 'feel a fool'.

I've spent the week trying to convince myself it's not that bad while DH steams ahead with arranging mortgage etc.

I feel so miserable and stressed about it. I feel so paralysed. I don't know if it's the right house. I don't know if we can get any better if I insist we pull out. I feel awful.

OP posts:

Frouby · 30/09/2017 07:27

Before you do anything you need to decide what you want longterm from a property.

What are your plans in the future? Do you have dcs? Will you have dcs? Will a house in town meet the needs of dcs? Does the type of house your dh likes meet your future needs? Does yours?

You need to decide what you like and what you need and reach a compromise somewhere. If you have been outbid on ones you both agree on you perhaps can't afford what you really want right now and need to compromise somewhere.

Do you drive? Being walking distance to what sort of amenities is important? And why? Do you mean a shop for bread and milk? Parks? Schools? Or coffee shops and pubs and restaurants? Why does your dh want a garage and more space? Is it space vs being close to town?

Lots of questions but your DH obviously thinks this house is right for a reason. And if you can't really afford your dream house then you both need to compromise.

nigelsbigface · 30/09/2017 07:30

As a person who lived in a house I detested for ten years (through necessity at time of purchase) I can attest to how miserable it can make you.

It's fine to pull out of an offer-people do it all the time!

Your h is obviously keen on this house but would be be keen on having a miserable wife who feels resentful of him every time she opens her front door or has to drive how many miles for a pint of milk or whatever else irks you about the house he likes?

pleasingone · 30/09/2017 07:32

Easier to pull out now than later. Mortgages would be transferred to another property.
Presumably you're on your own nice home at the moment so it isn't like you'll be left homeless

strongasmeringue · 30/09/2017 07:40

You live in your parents house, he buys this house he loves more than making you happy, divorce. He really is a horrible bully.

Headofthehive55 · 30/09/2017 07:40

What are you moving for?
I've lived in less than ideal houses, but knowing why and knowing it's not forever means to me it just wasn't an issue.

Oldie2017 · 30/09/2017 07:50

It is hard for us to decide. I prefer the houses your husband likes - suburbs, bigger housek, garage, storage space, more of a property home than some awful hen hutch with noisy traffic. I know the downsides though of having to get in the car or walk to the tube to get to some shops so you just have to decide as a couple.

I have never moved to a perfect house though so may be you should compromise. Working full time is often key to all this - if you are at a lovely hob all day rather than the one stuck out in the sticks doing domestic dross on the orders of a man life is always much better.

TheWernethWife · 30/09/2017 07:53

I lived in a house that my partner loved but I hated. Needed loads of work on it but my partner never really had time to do it so I lived in shit tip. I did say no at the time, but was persuaded against my better judgement to move. When we finally sold, after 15 years, I walked out without a backward glance and now live in a house that we both like and was walk in ready.

caterpillarcop · 30/09/2017 07:56

Pull out now before you piss those poor people around anymore and before they offer on somewhere else!

Then tell your DP to get over himself and move to your parents until you find the right house. He’s getting rent free so storage costs won’t kill him!

LakieLady · 30/09/2017 07:58

Pull out. When you're spending the sort of money that houses cost, both of you need to be happy with what you're buying.And the resentment of having to live somewhere you don't like, when it was avoidable, will wreck your marriage.

When it costs 1,000s in fees etc to buy and sell, it's not like you can jusgt get another one if you find it's not for you.

HattiesBackpack · 30/09/2017 07:59

Another voice saying pull out. The situation you describe, and your feelings about it aren't house buying 'wobbles', you don't want the house. It sounds like you and DH need to come to a proper agreement about what you are looking for in a house.

Middleoftheroad · 30/09/2017 08:05

Go with your gut. I love my house but wish I'd moved to the area I wanted (with shops and life) more than suburbia. My gut told me not to but we also had to move quickly for a school. You don't have to move quickly and have somewhere else to go. Dont do it!

Seti · 30/09/2017 08:10

What's wrong with it? Is it things you can change?

JoJoSM2 · 30/09/2017 08:19

I second the poster who said that you need to see if the house you want exists on your budget. And you need to be assertive- say what you want exactly- you come across indecisive and puttng yourself in a victim position. You need a clear list of criteria that are non-negotiable + 'nice-to-haves' and once you've agreed that, stick to it and don't get DH get over excited and press on with a property you're not happy about.

Ebony69 · 30/09/2017 08:21

*DH is a total cunt.
That's a bit harsh!

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 30/09/2017 08:21

Pull out and stay put, it sounds like you and your dh have issues to resolve before you commit to a new buy.

JoJoSM2 · 30/09/2017 08:21

PS I don't know your area but it's generally possible to be in suburbia in a big house with a garage but a short walk from amenities and the station (live in one of those myself).

KitKat1985 · 30/09/2017 08:34

PS I don't know your area but it's generally possible to be in suburbia in a big house with a garage but a short walk from amenities and the station (live in one of those myself).

That's true JoJo, but it's just that those houses are normally priced at a premium, and I'm guessing OP and her DH can't afford a big house near town or I guess that's what they would have been looking at.

Can I ask OP why you are moving in the first place? There's some key info missing from your post really I think. Like how much do you need a bigger house? Are you planning children / more children? Do you need to be near the town for work, schools, etc, or is it more of a want than a need? The problem fundamentally is that your priority is location, and his is house. Neither priority is right or wrong, but you need to spend today seriously discussing whether house or location is the priority, and one of you is going to have to compromise. If you decide it's more important to be near town then you need to pull out of this sale asap.

teaortequila23 · 30/09/2017 08:46

You should never make a big decision like buying a house based on a rush. You guys need to sit and be patient for the perfect house. I'm sure u will find somewhere perfect with both of you compromising what you both want. Try get him to move to your parents or maybe even try rent a friends spare room while you wait for somewhere to come up.

Anymajordude · 30/09/2017 08:53

Don't be pressured into moving where you don't want to live. I was and have always regretted it.

CoraPirbright · 30/09/2017 09:02

So its ok for him to just change the plans at the last minute, but not ok for you?? Staying rent free at your parents would be a perfect solution - takes the pressure right off. I cannot for the life of me understand why he is insisting that you buy so quickly and why he wont stay at your parents. It's ridiculous.

Can you go again to this house and have another look? It will def confirm if you dont want to live there. But I think you should pull out and stick to the original plan (which he did agree to, after all) and move into your parents to look at your leisure.

Does your DH have form for this?

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2017 14:03

Totally agree with Cidar "Moving into your parents house seems to make sense. A few months of storage costs is much cheaper than making a massive mistake on a house purchase. Or a divorce if he continues to act like a twat!"

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2017 14:09

TheWernethWife you have my sympathy. My dear friend lived in a house that constantly needed doing up, was a project, for a decade. She felt it was hard to invite friends round with you ng kids as there were always tools (big tools) lying around the house etc. When they finally moved she supported her dh to buy another home that needed even more work, they are now low on cash and stuck in a home that is very basic and no sign of improvement.

I'd only ever consider buying a fixer-upper with someone who had a proven track record of actually fixing up a place up!

OP can you and your dh work ou what it is about the suburbs or town that you like? You don't mention kids, is that a possibility for the future? If so, factor them in now.

Funnyface1 · 30/09/2017 14:42

If you are going to pull out you should do it now and spare your vendors as much inconvenience as possible.

You have my sympathy though. Me and dh are in the middle of selling and buying. We are on the same page about what we want and it's still been very stressful.

If I were you I would move into your parents house and keep looking for a compromise. It sounds like there are houses that would still make your dh happy but you could be happy too. Good luck.

user1471449805 · 30/09/2017 15:38

He got to change his mind (moving into your parents' house) but you're not extended the same courtesy?

How much stuff do you have that you need to put it into storage rather than living with it piled up in the parents' house? While you find a house you both love.

Sounds like it's all about him. Is that really how you choose to live?

BlackberryandNettle · 30/09/2017 17:21

It's a bit harsh for people to say your dh is a cunt as actually you did agree to bid, so a fair enough comment from him? Not to say that you should go through with it if you are unhappy. Maybe go back and see it again and talk some more...it all sounds very sudden. I'd be more worried about the people buying from you then the people you are offering to buy from...sounds like they are waiting and you had agreed to move out quickly? Unfair to mess them around, they could also pull out. Moving into your parents place whilst you sell, then buying, even if you stick with the house dh likes, seems to make sense all round. I don't get why he is against it? If you sell and move into the parents house, if you in the mean time see somewhere you like more, you could switch to that, in a strong position as your sale already going through.

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