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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious with DH?

52 replies

early30smum · 29/09/2017 20:09

One of those DH threads. I had to work today (normally would be off on a Friday) but had to go in. Thought I'd be finished by school pickup time but knew by lunchtime I'd be not be able to make it home until after 7pm. Rang DH and said could he please pick the kids up from school as they'd not been picked up by either of us this week due to work. He wasn't happy but agreed. I said I'd be home by 7.15 and then he could go and do his work in peace and I'd take over (despite having worked all day).

So I get home at 7.15, and he's upstairs on his computer. The house is trashed, he's let the kids do cooking (unsupervised so there's stuff everywhere) they are completely hyper and over excited screaming and shouting. The little one is only 4 and recently started school so really needs to be bathed and in bed by 7, DH knows this is his routine. Ask the kids what they've had for dinnner- bloody Alphabetti with nothing else! ConfusedHmm

DH's response to this is that we didn't have much in (there's a freezer full of stuff and we live in London with a shop minutes away on foot). He hadn't even started bath or anything and had basically let them watch tv/make a mess since 3.30 and given the 'dinner' of alphabetti at 7.00 (!) (Normal dinner time is 5) and allowed them to eat snacks all afternoon. Of course they are totally hyped up and start being really rude to me and DH just lets them do it. Worse, I take myself off and hear DH say to DD (8) 'isn't it funny mummy was saying stop shouting to you and x and she was the one shouting first.'

I was so angry, he's totally undermining my parenting and taking absolutely no responsibility for his children.

AIBU to be angry?! I admit I'm knackered and stressed from a long week at work so this could be making me overreact slightly though.

OP posts:
GodIsDead · 29/09/2017 20:20

Undermining you is not on! Your DH is being a D-bag. I’d be upset too.

Santawontbelong · 29/09/2017 20:22

Sounds to me like he needs more practice at having them alone. . .

firawla · 29/09/2017 20:24

Yanbu at all. Bad enough he did such a shit job of parenting but to then say that to dd to top it off, I’d be fuming!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/09/2017 20:25

I would say, anything up to you came home, leave it. He's parented how he parents. That's how he does it, you need not overrule.

What he said to dd is a different matter. I'd be furious.

Booboostwo · 29/09/2017 20:25

YANBU. Your DH is extremely inconsiderate and he is pretending to be useless with the children so he can spend his time on the computer instead of parenting. Getting the kids fed, bathed and in bed is not a big ask, it is a normal part of life.

Also did he leave a 4yo unsupervised in a kitchen? Cooking with boiling water? That is seriously neglectful.

You are right to be fuming.

Worriedaboutboy · 29/09/2017 20:29

I'd be fuming. What a nob!!

ToEmbarrassedToThinkStraight · 29/09/2017 20:30

There's some passive aggressive stuff bubbling under the surface here. This isn't about alphabetti, is it?

Why were you shouting at the kids to stop shouting?

WorkingBling · 29/09/2017 20:31

He's behaved badly. But why did you insist he fetch the kids if, as implied by your post, you could have made an alternative plan. If I am expecting to work all afternoon I'd be less than a good parent if dh then decided I must fetch the kids after school.

ToEmbarrassedToThinkStraight · 29/09/2017 20:33

Also if the house was so irreparably crazy how are you freed up less than an hour later to hash it out on mumsnet?

Rocketbuddies · 29/09/2017 20:33

Does he have them alone often??

This just sounds really odd, who lets a 4 year old cook their own dinner? The being up on the computer is one thing but not even sorting their dinner is awful.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 20:35

I don't get why it was OK for you to insist that DH collected the DCs from school. In his place I'd have flatly refused. It doesn't sound like he's let them run feral because he was playing computer games, but because he had to work.

WhooshYeah · 29/09/2017 20:35

I’d defo kick his arse for that.

Believeitornot · 29/09/2017 20:37

The fact that he said that to your dd was unacceptable.

The trashed house - meh we've all been there.

Nothing wrong with asking dh to collect the kids - they're his responsibility too.

But I would have run the routine through with dh because the first few times he did it, he wouldn't always remember everything.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 29/09/2017 20:38

Some dads just don't have a clue.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/09/2017 20:39

I don't think crap dinner and late to bed is a huge deal as a one off (especially on a Friday). It's clear that DH didn't want to pick the DC up as he wanted to get on and work so not sure why you didn't make other arrangements.

Looked at from the other perspective ...
My DW is normally off work on Friday so picks the children up from school. However she had to work unexpectedly so asked me to pick the DC up from school as they've been in childcare after school every day this week so far. She suggested I could make up the work I'd missed after she got home at 7.15pm. I wasn't keen on working all Friday night, so I let the DC amuse themselves and got them easy tea so I could carry on and do some work during the afternoon. DW comes in and is not happy and starts shouting at the children.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 20:39

Nothing wrong with asking dh to collect the kids - they're his responsibility too

For sure. But she called him at lunchtime. How many people can get a non-emergency call at work at lunchtime to collect the DCs that afternoon and not have their work schedule completely trashed? OP says she usually does Fridays so he would have every reason to expect he would have the full day to work.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 20:45

He's a fucking knob. He didn't want to pick them up so he did the absolute bare minimum so you don't ask him again.

He is the parent of 2 kids. Sometimes you have to change your plans to, er, be a parent. I have managed to fit cooking proper food and picking up from school around working and being 100 % responsible for a child. Sometimes (often) I have to work in the evenings. He couldn't even manage one day.
Yanbu.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 20:47

And what he said to your daughter is completely out of order!

Believeitornot · 29/09/2017 20:48

@ChaChaChaCh4nges

In my house it would be possible. Dh and I help each other out and it's rare that we can't shift our work.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 20:50

I really don't see DH as the knob here. I see him as doing his best to manage his workload when someone else changed his plans without notice when she seemingly had other alternatives.

I said I'd be home by 7.15 and then he could go and do his work in peace and I'd take over (despite having worked all day)

How arrogant is that? He'd worked all day too, and she's telling him to give up his evening when there were other alternatives. What if he has a deadline?

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2017 20:51

Why shouldn't he have to change his work day for his children? Plenty of parents have to do this if their children are ill from school or if the other parent can't pick them up for some reason. Unfortunately it comes with the territory of being a parent. It's just traditionally it's women who've had to bear this.

Believeitornot · 29/09/2017 20:51

I really don't see DH as the knob here

Well if he had a deadline then he could have said so.

But he didn't.

Then he takes the piss out of his wife to his dd?!

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 20:55

Why shouldn't he have to change his work day for his children?

Because she had other alternatives. She said in her OP that she"Rang DH and said could he please pick the kids up from school as they'd not been picked up by either of us this week due to work".

If she didn't have other alternatives then I agree it's different. Then it would be for them as a couple to decide whose work was more pressing. If she comes back and say she had literally no other alternatives then I'll take my opinion back. But if she had other choices then she was just pushing her (unfounded) guilt into him. And that's not on.

notonthestairs · 29/09/2017 20:58

His comment would have been enough to make me shout - at him.
I think you've had a shit day and a crappy evening. I think he has made some effort but not nearly enough and his comment was the cherry on the cake.

Lovewineandchocs · 29/09/2017 20:59

Where does it say the OP had other alternatives?

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