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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious with DH?

52 replies

early30smum · 29/09/2017 20:09

One of those DH threads. I had to work today (normally would be off on a Friday) but had to go in. Thought I'd be finished by school pickup time but knew by lunchtime I'd be not be able to make it home until after 7pm. Rang DH and said could he please pick the kids up from school as they'd not been picked up by either of us this week due to work. He wasn't happy but agreed. I said I'd be home by 7.15 and then he could go and do his work in peace and I'd take over (despite having worked all day).

So I get home at 7.15, and he's upstairs on his computer. The house is trashed, he's let the kids do cooking (unsupervised so there's stuff everywhere) they are completely hyper and over excited screaming and shouting. The little one is only 4 and recently started school so really needs to be bathed and in bed by 7, DH knows this is his routine. Ask the kids what they've had for dinnner- bloody Alphabetti with nothing else! ConfusedHmm

DH's response to this is that we didn't have much in (there's a freezer full of stuff and we live in London with a shop minutes away on foot). He hadn't even started bath or anything and had basically let them watch tv/make a mess since 3.30 and given the 'dinner' of alphabetti at 7.00 (!) (Normal dinner time is 5) and allowed them to eat snacks all afternoon. Of course they are totally hyped up and start being really rude to me and DH just lets them do it. Worse, I take myself off and hear DH say to DD (8) 'isn't it funny mummy was saying stop shouting to you and x and she was the one shouting first.'

I was so angry, he's totally undermining my parenting and taking absolutely no responsibility for his children.

AIBU to be angry?! I admit I'm knackered and stressed from a long week at work so this could be making me overreact slightly though.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 29/09/2017 21:00

Because she had other alternatives

What if the alternatives were after school club not paid for on a Friday Hmm

Why is her dh's work more important? Because that's your implication.

If the dh couldn't do it, he should have said so. So, he didn't - he collected the dcs.

And therefore he should have bloody done it properly.

ToEmbarrassedToThinkStraight · 29/09/2017 21:01

Plenty of parents have to do this if their children are ill from school or if the other parent can't pick them up for some reason.

Yes, but we reserve the right to be a bit pissy about it or even not parent to our usual standards and simply survive the day.

I wonder if it was because you said 'could he please' and laid on the guilt trip that he felt aggrieved. Maybe you didn't ask because he would have said no and had reasonable justification for saying no.

The op sounds like you have support/alternative pick up arrangements but you felt the dc should have a parent collect them today.

To that end, you put your need to feel ok with the pick up arrangements above his need to execute his day schedule as planned.

Was it really so important that you or dh collected them today? Or do you just decide these things and expect him to join in?

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 21:05

What if the alternatives were after school club not paid for on a Friday?

Then you bloody well pay for it!

You don't vomit guilt on your spouse and expect him to drop everything to collect the DCs.

And no, I don't think his job is more important that hers, and I would type exactly the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

It was OP who changed the usual routine so it was for OP to find a solution that worked for everyone.

Original poster
early30smum · 29/09/2017 21:06

Thanks for the responses. To pick up on a few things:

  1. I'd promised my DC I'd pick them up today. The little one in particular was really looking forward to it having been in childcare all week. Yes, i might Have been able to sort alternative childcare but it would have been difficult with 3 hours notice.

  2. DH didn't have a deadline. He didn't have 'anything in his diary' for the afternoon anyway. Yes it wasn't ideal that he had to take half a day holiday (which is what he will put it down as) but me not staying at work this afternoon/evening was non negotiable. He had no urgent need to stay.

  3. I agree I shouldn't have shouted at my DC I hate shouting and try very hard not to do it. I was tired, and had been looking forward to seeing them. The fact that DH had wound them up so much and they were deliberately screaming shouting and running around the house made me cross- so I shouted- I shouldn't have done which is why I took myself off for a couple of minutes which is when I heard DH say what he say to DD, and laughing. In my view that's not ok.

  4. they were not doing cooking with boiling water etc- just some baking and the oven wasn't on yet. DD is sensible and I'm not too worried about the safety aspect as they weren't using anything hot or sharp but the mess because he'd let them do it alone was annoying.

  5. I'm all for an easy tea but come on, just alphabetti? That's just lazy. Not even to attempt to put anything with it?!

  6. he didn't have to work this afternoon. I know, because I asked him. His work can wait til Monday. Mine could not.

I think there is resentment from me underneath all this- I sort all the childcare, housework etc etc. I'm actually cutting back my hours at work soon because this has happened before and neither of us can deal with it anymore.

The thing I can't get over the most is him basically ganging up on me with DD. He's not teaching her to respect me which imo is just not ok.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 29/09/2017 21:07

You don't vomit guilt on your spouse and expect him to drop everything to collect the DC
You are spectacular missing my point deliberately

The dh agreed to do it. End of story.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 21:08

I can't believe anyone is defending him. When you have kids it's a given that sometimes you have to work around them. Unfortunately being a woman makes you the default child wrangler in many people's eyes.
It's not remotely arrogant that OP offered to take over the minute she walked in the door so he could work! She was planning to work until 7 and then do bedtime, he was expected to work until 3, do tea/homework/ baths and then finish what he needed to do. It's equal!
God, even my boyfriend, who is not my child's father, would step up and help out in this situation. He would sort a proper tea (making enough for me for when I get in ) and catch up on work later. Expecting your actual husband and Co parent to do this is pretty basic surely??

ToEmbarrassedToThinkStraight · 29/09/2017 21:09

I think your second post gives more perspective. This isn't about today, this is an accumulation of days like today.

Time to communicate. He's not an arse and neither are you - just both human and trying your best to keep too many balls in the air. Sad

Original poster
early30smum · 29/09/2017 21:10

Cross post with a few.

Like I said- I might have been able to sort an alternative and it would have taken time (therefore cutting out work time I really needed). Of course the DC would have got over not picking picked up by one of us but given that DH said he didn't have anything urgent for this afternoon I thought it would be ok for him to do it and not disappoint the kids.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 29/09/2017 21:12

If DH had done what OP had expected, there wouldn't have been much for her to do when she got home (tea done, youngest already in bed). Whereas he would have had 3 hours of work to make up. Hardly equal.

Rosti1981 · 29/09/2017 21:13

Hugs, ive been there too. It sounds like a tough week for you both. Let the alphabetti and mess go, at least he fed them! But talking to/about you like that is crap, and it does sound like it put fairly minimal effort in. I guess it's whether it's typical behaviour or a one off response to an unexpected situation.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 21:13

No, he is a massive arse. Sorry .

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 29/09/2017 21:14

Unfortunately being a woman makes you the default child wrangler in many people's eyes.

It's nothing to do with her being a woman, FFS. It's about the OP being the one who changed the usual routine.

OP, thank you for clarifying. I entirely agree that he shouldn't have made that comment to your DD. I also know the desperate frustration of being the person in the relationship expected to deal with all the "wifework" - it's what split XH and I - we both worked FT but he expected me to always be the one to sacrifice.

From your last post, it sounds like he was the "least busy" of the two of You this afternoon, and it may well be that your solution was the best one overall. But if he was working on the computer rather than messing around then do consider whether it was because he had to, not because he chose to. I don't know what he does, of course, but if something came in that was urgent then perhaps you'd left him in a really hard place.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 21:16

Turns out he didn't have 3 hours of work to do though...
But what if she did get an easier ride? So?
Although if a man said he worked until 7 then was expected to immediately walk in and take over childcare without even getting some dinner most would think that was a bit unfair..

Si1verSt0rm · 29/09/2017 21:38

He let a 4 and 8 year old make canned spaghetti with no supervision? How did they open the can? Did he not even make them some toast with it? That can't have been all they had. I find this hard to believe.

glenthebattleostrich · 29/09/2017 21:48

In my area last minute childcare is nonexistant. I'm a childminder and am full so if one of my parents needed an extra afternoon I wouldn't be able to. The afterschool club is full and so are most of the minders you'd trust your kids with.

OP, if I were you I'd be making your H sort the mess and he'd be the one dealing with the stroppy tired children tomorrow (if they are anything like DD, who doesn't sleep past 6 no matter what time she goes to bed).

He had a half day holiday, he should have ensured the children were cared for. And please, make him pick up more of the home responsibilities. As I frequently have to explain to my H, a penis doesn't mean he gets to opt out of the domestic shit, just like my uterus doesn't exempt me from pulling my weight providing for my child.

Original poster
early30smum · 29/09/2017 22:17

No, he didn't let them cook alphabetti by themselves- as I said, he let them do some baking by themselves.

He cooked them alphabetti for dinner later, and yes, that was really all they had. He admitted it!

OP posts:
Original poster
early30smum · 29/09/2017 22:18

ChaCha thanks, yes I do feel frustrated by being the one to sort out literally everything. But now that I'm cutting right back on work we won't have this situation again hopefully.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/09/2017 22:25

'I'm actually cutting back my hours at work soon because this has happened before and neither of us can deal with it anymore. '

You mean he doesn't want to step up and do his fair share, more like. Hate to say it, but if you are with someone like this, the last thing to do is compromise yourself financially to enable their laziness even more.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 22:26

But why should you have to cut back on work? I mean, if you want to that's one thing, but if you feel like you have to because he doesn't step up then you are seriously compromising your future earnings /pension when maybe you shouldn't have to.

IfNot · 29/09/2017 22:27

X post with expat!

Lethaldrizzle · 29/09/2017 22:34

Two working parents with young kids, sometimes things are going to go awry. You have to pick your battles and this was not one worth fighting. They were safe and fed. Thats all that matters surely.

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2017 22:39

I'd be having some tough words about respect before cutting back on work. In the context of what he said to your dd, I suggest telling him you aren't sure it's the right thing to do anymore while he is happy to undermine you. If he doesn't appreciate your role as a parent the last thing you should do is sacrifice career to take on more of it right now. Maybe that will be the lightbulb moment he needs....

Nightsleepneeded · 29/09/2017 23:00

Why do some men think that having DC won't impact on their existing work schedules or lives?

tigercub50 · 29/09/2017 23:21

Reading your DH's comment made me go a bit cold, because I have been there (although thankfully not anymore). It's childish & as someone else has said, it's not teaching your DD to respect you. This stood out for me more than anything else actually. Is this how he usually behaves? My DH would "drop me in it", engineering situations so that I appeared to be the bad guy & he got off the hook. It was cruel, disrespectful & a very bad example for DD.

ferrier · 29/09/2017 23:36

Spaghetti has carbs in so although it's traditionally served with toast that's completely unnecessary. As a meal it's not disastrous. Did the dc eat some of their baking too?
Your dh is obviously pissed off about something. Do you know what that is?