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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have expressed disappointment to partner over this?

48 replies

moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:01

In a relationship for several years. We don't live together for a number of reasons but hope to do so at some point in the future - maybe 3-5 years.

When we met, DP lived about 30 miles away. Last yr he moved closer, and now is about 5 miles from me - 15 mins by car, which has been good. He needs to find a bigger and better place (not much choice when he was looking last year, current place was never quite right plus ll a bit useless) also one with good transport links (rail/ road) as he's looking to change job later this year so may well need to commute to a different place.

He's been looking in the immediate area but not found anything quite right though he has more viewings coming up. He's now said he might widen search area to about 30 mins for me and/ or to the other side of a toll road. It's still closer than he was, so to him it doesn't make much difference.

I have said I don't feel happy about this although of course its up to him I think i should voice my misgivings. Or AIBU and should have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
elelfrance · 29/09/2017 16:04

15 minutes further really doesn't seem like a big deal to me

ofudginghell · 29/09/2017 16:08

I think it's up to him really op Hmm
If he's financing the move himself to be nearer you then I don't really think you can complain about it being slightly further out than first thought can you Hmm

Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:11

It's about 10miles further, so 15 rather than 5 - just in opposite direction and faster road. But road is very busy so could take a lot longer in traffic. Plus toll cost of course.

There are a few places within 2 miles of me. I was hoping he might take one of them. This feels like moving backwards. If he's half an hour or more away I can't ever just pop round.

OP posts:
Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:13

It is up to him. I'm asking if I'm in the wrong for saying I wasn't happy. Not if he's in the wrong.

He lives near me now. He is now looking tp move further out (again).

OP posts:
WunWun · 29/09/2017 16:14

I wouldn't be happy about it. Where does he see the relationship going? Maybe there is a mismatch there?

allegretto · 29/09/2017 16:14

Sorry OP, this sounds a bit strange to me. You've been together years but it sounds like you are expecting him to move a bit closer every year! There's nothing wrong with telling him you would like him to be closer but if he's not moving in with you, then he really needs to do what is best for him.

Tazerface · 29/09/2017 16:14

I'd be disappointed too OP but if there's nothing suitable closer, then what can he do?

ofudginghell · 29/09/2017 16:17

Why don't you move to be closer to him???

I don't understand what the issue is op Confused
If he can't find anywhere suitable should he just get somewhere u suitable for the sake of an extra 10 minute drive?
Faster road?get to you quicker.
Don't travel at rush hour maybe?
Is there a reason you do t live together?

Butterymuffin · 29/09/2017 16:17

How long's he been looking for? And are his requirements going to be really difficult to meet?

Ttbb · 29/09/2017 16:19

YABU. It's not that far, you can't expect his whole life to revolve around you, you're not married or anything.

Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:19

The longer term plan is that in a few years we'll relocate together to a completely different area which we have links to. This is 3 years away at least.

I'm not expecting him to move closer at all. I'm happy for him to be 15 mins away. Over 30 mins from me isn't something I feel I should have to be leaping for joy over! It's not much less far than he lived when we met.

OP posts:
Princecharlesfirstwife · 29/09/2017 16:20

A potential 8 yr relationship where you've not even got as far as living together? I'd knock it on the head now TBH.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 29/09/2017 16:21

Yeah I'm confused too, sorry.
If you don't want to live together, that's fine and dandy, but you can't get the arse when the other person needs to move.

Are you prepared to move closer to him at all?

Are you actually making any compromises, or is it just expecting him to do all the compromising/running??

WinnieFosterTether · 29/09/2017 16:21

YY I think you should have expressed disappointment. It sounds as though you equate physical proximity with the strength of your relationship. He moved closer as your relationship developed. Now he's moving away again.
You should be able to talk to him about it.Was he completely surprised that you felt this way or did he admit that it does mean something for your relationship and your future?

Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:24

He's been looking for a couple of weeks.

I can't move as I own my home and have DC, my house can't be sold for 3 years at least.

I can't believe others would be happy about this. An extra £5 for the toll plus petrol every time I go to his will mean I will be limiting how often I go there and vice versa.

He wants somewhere cheaper but bigger. So not easy to find.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 16:26

Are you in Liverpool/Wirral, OP?

Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:30

I can't move now. I will be moving when I can sell my house, that's been the long term plan. We're not in a rush to live together.

OP posts:
Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:32

I haven't asked him exactly what he thinks. But i get the impression he thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing.

Which makes me feel he'd rather I hadn't said anything at all.

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/09/2017 16:46

I kind of agree that you're making a fuss about nothing.

Why can't he move in with you? Or does he not want to?

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/09/2017 16:47

I think it would bother me op and I agree with you that it matters. If you had 2-3 hours spare in the evening and he was a 10 minute drive away you could pop round. If that becomes half an hour, that's an hour of driving so you are less likely to go for just an hour or so.

Original poster
moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:54

Hiding, that's it. We often pop between houses, pick up/ drop off each other. That becomes less realistic when it's A much longer distance.

We've agreed not to live together while my DC at home, plus he doesn't want to move in with me (would rather we moved into a different home together, once I'm able to move that is)

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/09/2017 16:57

Do you think he's basically stalling on the relationship, and leaving himself room to move on if a more desirable woman crosses his path? I can see why that might make you fretful about something as apparently trivial as where he chooses to move to.

Mind you, I can also sort of see his point that you can't move in with him for another three years - he might feel he's done enough moving at your behest already.

Dustbunny1900 · 29/09/2017 17:03

Well I can see it, , you can't help how you feel. In that situation I would also feel disappointment and worry that our relation would suffer/deteriorate/take a step back
But as long as you've both agreed not to live together, it's something you have to kind of "deal with" and especially as you can't make any sacrifices or compromises currently with your living situation. Sounds tough situation but if two people want to make it work they will

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/09/2017 17:03

I think you were perfectly reasonable to say you were disappointed that he might be moving further away.

If you gave him a hard time and went on and on about it then you'd be in the wrong, but just saying how you feel, that's fine.

He is of course still perfectly entitled to do whatever suits his situation best.

WinnieFosterTether · 29/09/2017 17:09

Potentially it could lead to a much bigger conversation which is probably why he isn't happy that you brought it up but it's a conversation that you both need to have.
I'd bring it up again and explain that it will impact how often you see each other and you can't help but wonder if it's indicative of a bigger shift in how he feels about the relationship. Then see what he says.

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