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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have expressed disappointment to partner over this?

48 replies

moaningmina · 29/09/2017 16:01

In a relationship for several years. We don't live together for a number of reasons but hope to do so at some point in the future - maybe 3-5 years.

When we met, DP lived about 30 miles away. Last yr he moved closer, and now is about 5 miles from me - 15 mins by car, which has been good. He needs to find a bigger and better place (not much choice when he was looking last year, current place was never quite right plus ll a bit useless) also one with good transport links (rail/ road) as he's looking to change job later this year so may well need to commute to a different place.

He's been looking in the immediate area but not found anything quite right though he has more viewings coming up. He's now said he might widen search area to about 30 mins for me and/ or to the other side of a toll road. It's still closer than he was, so to him it doesn't make much difference.

I have said I don't feel happy about this although of course its up to him I think i should voice my misgivings. Or AIBU and should have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/09/2017 17:12

I think its only temporary. If he cant find anything closer, then thats the reason. It isnt a step back, so try not to take it personally, even if it is frustrating and not ideal

PetitFilous123 · 29/09/2017 17:13

I probably wouldn't be massively bothered by a 30 minute commute to see him, but if you want him to remain closer I don't think it's unreasonable to say so. Maybe sit down with him and look at properties together and you can give him a steer to the ones you might prefer.

allegretto · 29/09/2017 17:19

The toll thing would definitely annoy me!

Original poster

moaningmina · 29/09/2017 17:23

I've already steered him to ones a similar distance as his current home. Places further away are £50_100 cheaper per month. But the areas aren't as nice and travelling between will cost us both a lot more.

If I view in the most negative way, it feels like the beginning of the end. I don't think I should be feeling uncertain after this long together.

OP posts:

EverythingWillBeGreat · 29/09/2017 17:32

I also suspect that you see him moving away as a sign that he doesn't put your relationhsip as a priority but whatever else it is (better house, closer to railway station etc...).
In effect that he is telling you you are not on the top of his priority list.

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 17:33

So, you have been seeing this bloke for several years, since your DC were little/primary age? You didn't want to live together with the DC, but in three years, you are going to sell your house and move to another area?

What is happening with the DC? Are you assuming they will go to uni and not care about not having a base where they grew up? Or will they be able to return home and stay with their father?

If you are supposed to working towards moving in together then I am not sure why DP wants to now move further away?

Theres something not quite right here........... I hope you get it all worked out.

EverythingWillBeGreat · 29/09/2017 17:33

Sorry, got busy and nmissed your last post.

I can see why you feel like is. I would too.
MN Always surprises me by the level of detachment that people say they have re their partner and how involve/important they are compare to their own priorities.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/09/2017 17:35

If you live by the toll, don't you get a resident discount or can pay monthly?

Original poster

moaningmina · 29/09/2017 18:53

You have to live close to the toll for a discount. I'm top far away. Not sure about the Properties he was considering that involve using the toll.

OP posts:

Original poster

moaningmina · 29/09/2017 18:53

Sorry too far not top!

OP posts:

Original poster

moaningmina · 30/09/2017 01:15

I'm still stewing on this.

He doesn't get at all how I feel. To him it's a simple question of economics. But he's forgetting that although some of these places will be cheaper ( slightly) travel will be dearer. And these areas aren't great.

I thought in a supportive relationship I could say how I feel. So why do I feel in the wrong for voicing my concerns?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 30/09/2017 01:20

He's only thinking of his own side of the economics. Which as Everything says is not promising.

Why does he need a bigger place? Is his really small?

Maryz · 30/09/2017 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worridmum · 30/09/2017 02:05

how about a compromise he moves closer to you but you pay the extra in difference from were he planned to move too or are you expecting him to suck up the majority of the costs?

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2017 07:50

Does he usually make you feel bad for disagreeing with him?

Original poster

moaningmina · 30/09/2017 09:09

Sorry, possibly I've not made this clear.

He doesn't want to live in my house. He wants us to have a place together in the future. But I can't sell my house yet, and both of us agree we won't live together til my children are 18. Which is nearly 3 years away. But it might be a bit longer depending on if we're ready tp relocate then, what's happening with our jobs, if children take a year put.

It's not me refusing unilaterally to live with him, we're agreed on it. But I thought that agreement also extended to trying to stay living nearby ish. Not moving to an area which is £50-100 less in rent but will cost most of that in travel.

OP posts:

Original poster

moaningmina · 30/09/2017 09:14

I expect to be able to say how I feel.

In this situation he seems to think I'm being difficult, or trying to pick an argument. Neither of which is the case. I'm just not prepared to be mute about something which will significantly impact me.

And I wouldn't pay his extra costs, just like he wouldn't pay my travel if he moved to the toll area.

OP posts:

worridmum · 30/09/2017 10:11

Then you are being unreasonable dictating that he lives in a more expensive area and you only care about your economic things like a poster previously said.

While you are not unreasonable to express your self he wouldnt unreasonable to ignore you and save himself alot of money basically you seem to only care how things effect you rather then how it effects both.

Yes itvwould cost you more to see him but it would save him more money i seriously doubt 100+ saving in rent would be wiped out unless he was seeing you every day.

So i am afraid YABU and should suck it up as you dont have the right to dictate were he lives and is quite controlling tbh

Original poster

moaningmina · 30/09/2017 10:20

We see each other 4-5 times a week. Toll costs £5 a time.

He'll be saving £50~100 a month max. Which sounds a lot but rents are high here, it's the difference between 900-1000.

Plus public transport is more too which o don't think he has considered (he may need tp use for work).

OP posts:

hesterton · 30/09/2017 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kali110 · 30/09/2017 13:59

30 minutes? Is that it?
Yes, yabu, massively. He's not moving an hour away by train.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 14:07

If you’ve both agreed you won’t live together yet, I don’t think you have a right to a say over where he lives in the meantime.

It will be his house - he needs to be happy there.

RandomMess · 30/09/2017 14:16

You should be able to point out that isn't going to save the money he thinks it will after transport costs and that you'll have less money to spend on doing stuff together as it will increase your costs. He sounds a bit tunnel vision over saving rent money and ignoring the other associated costs.

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