To be so disappointed in my husband

[LetItRain88]

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

Let's not feed the animals shall we? Just ignore them and they'll wander away......

OP Can you explain how he missed the birth "through not fault of his own" because I feel you may be being somewhat overgenerous there.

You need to put this to him in terms he will understand that effect him,

to heal you need sleep.
He needs to take control of some aspects of DC's life.
So you can get DC into a rountine, which will enable both of you to rest.
The long this all takes the longer you will take to heal, the longer it will take till you feel well enough to resume normal activities, and tell him pointly this INCLUDES SEX.
Does he want no sex for 12 months, as you will be far too tired looking after the baby on your own with no help from him to even want to thing about let alone do the deed.....
Also remind him now being alone to look after yourself, and bath means you will feel not 100% , so won't want to be with him....

Before i get blasted for saying this, I just mean that he might try hard if he has a carrot dangled infront of him, when you let him catch the carrot is entirely up to you.......

But the OP has already asked for help. Several times.

How on earth can anyone go to the gym when the house is a shit hole and your wife is on her knees physically, crying, barely coping?

He is stressed?? REALLY??

And she sleeps on the sofa? This is insane. Why do women have to be strong and deal with the hard crap immediately and the poor menz can't cope?

OP, it sounds like you're a single mum. Only if you were a single mum, at least you'd have a bed to sleep in.

So angry on your behalf

"I just mean that he might try hard if he has a carrot dangled infront of him, when you let him catch the carrot is entirely up to you"

JESUS CHRIST so loving his child and his partner isnt enough. There has to be some other reward for this arsehole.

this isnt the 1950s fgs

Has he had a chance to talk to anyone about the birth? For men who love their wives, seeing their wives literally being torn apart by a baby that they helped create can be very emotional, stressful and confusing. His behavior isn't OK, but yelling at him isn't going to get him past it. If he was a good man before the baby, then he will be again.

The way that the birth literally tore you apart may have made him feel like he couldn't control what was happening, that he couldn't protect you, he may have feared that you would die. Going to the gym constantly is way to feel in control, and to try to work out some of his emotions that he doesn't feel he can express in any other way.

He may be very confused about how he feels about the baby. Even though he wanted a baby, it torn you from one end to the other. That may be why he doesn't seem to want to hold and care for the baby.

Men, on the whole, are pretty crappy at expressing how they feel. He may not even have words for it, or he may not want to admit to you how he feels, especially if he is now questioning the decision to have a baby since it literally tore you apart. He may be just trying to hold himself together while everything he cares about falls apart.

I cannot image how exhausted, sore, and emotionally drained you are right now. None the less, I think it might be a good idea to try to talk to him about some of this, and to suggest to him that he talk to someone else, perhaps his father, or your pastor if you are religious, or even a therapist.

I also think that the 3 of you (you, DH and new baby), need to spend some time together. Don't hand him the baby and leave, all 3 of you sit on the couch together for awhile. Even if all you can do is cry. Remember that the birth was horrific for him, too. He almost lost the woman he loves.

"Women are stronger than men"

Yes you hear this trotted out quite a lot. The goalposts soon get moved (usually by the same men who trot this shit out) the minute a woman wants to go on a night out though. then its faux concern in case she should come across a predatory man. Then the opposite line is trotted out about how women are weaker.

Coyote he wasnt at the birth. Id be very interested in what you would have written if OP was the one who was off spending hours in the gym leaving her H at home with the baby.

I am so so bloody sick and tired of there being higher expectations on womens behaviour than there is mens.

. "Don't hand him the baby and leave, all 3 of you sit on the couch together for awhile. Even if all you can do is cry. Remember that the birth was horrific for him, too. He almost lost the woman he loves"

Yes because God forbid the OP should get a break. She hasnt got a penis so she isnt allowed one!!

I am so so bloody sick and tired of there being higher expectations on womens behaviour than there is mens

That's not it. The point is that when things are stuck, it is helpful to unstick them rather than shouting that we are right. Shouting that we are right seldom gets one anywhere.

Coyote you remind me of the teacher who had a go at me for standing up to the school bully. She came up with similar victim blamey shite.

LTB wouldn't be your best option at this point, OP. You're under far too much strain - physically and mentally - already. So concentrate on the basics until you're stronger, which are getting enough sleep, staying clean, comfortable and well-nourished, taking care of your baby. Your relationship with your husband can be examined later. Tell him your needs. Don't ask, don't bargain. If he still doesn't "get it", pack a suitcase and take your baby with you. Go with your mother for a month and negotiate once you've recovered.

Catchem may have a point there. If your DH damages ligaments or any other damage through excersise can you see yourself caring for him OP? Would he be expecting you to step up even though he couldnt do the same for you? sorry Catchem but you walked into this one

Catchem are you the OPs DH.

I am so so bloody sick and tired of there being higher expectations on womens behaviour than there is mens.

Completely agree with this. Women are told to appease, compromise, empathise, dangle a carrot, tread softly, and soldier on in awful circumstances because they're built for this or they do it so much better. Men are told to be assertive. OP please be assertive. Posters are angry on your behalf because your situation really is awful. I hope you're still reading.

Catchem I'm not sure you are helping the OP. Your posts are somewhat unsettling and might, at this late hour, be misconstrued. Perhaps if you re read the full thread you might see that the majority of posters are expressing a very different opinion.

Coyote you remind me of the teacher who had a go at me for standing up to the school bully.

I'm not blaming the OPer. She is right.

Being right doesn't get her anything though. I'm suggesting a way to get what she needs.