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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that no one is ever interested in me?

46 replies

Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 12:07

I mean in terms of friends and acquaintances.

I always ask questions, listen, and am engaged with whoever I'm talking to, but no one is ever interested in me. I can't remember the last time anyone asked me a question about me or my life.

I go out regularly with a group of friends and they all ask each other questions about how their children are, or how did their holiday go, or whatever, and no one ever asks me anything. Even when I've had quite big, worrying things going on in my life as I have had recently. If I ever do talk about myself (which is rare TBH as the conversations are always about everyone else!), people start looking around, or butting in, or changing the subject and asking someone else a question.

My DS plays football each week and has done for a few years. There are loads of other mums there, and we all stand and chat each week at training. I also know some of these mums from the school too as DS is in the same class as their DSs. Yet there they are all falling over themselves to catch up on each others news and gossip each week, and I am expected to stand and listen but never get asked anything and no one shows any interest at all.

Does anyone else find that this happens to them? AIBU to be a bit upset by it? I honestly don't want to talk about myself all the time and conversation hog, but it would be really nice if occasionally friends asked how I was.

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 28/09/2017 12:12

You sound fed up OP Flowers
Is there a friend you are closer with you could maybe talk to about it ?
I think also the trouble is if you notice (or think you notice) something like that it can be really hard to not notice it and suddenly you see it everywhere, maybe they do do it to your other friends but you notice less?
It can be hard to make yourself heard in a group if you are a quiet person too, maybe you could try being more assertive?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/09/2017 12:19

Just stop asking them, their lives and their children. As you say they don't take an interest in yours.
Fuck them.

MargoLovebutter · 28/09/2017 12:20

I struggle with this too Richtea. I do interesting stuff but I think I am rubbish at telling stories in a way that is engaging. I tend to be very factual. I also hate interrupting & talking over people but sadly that seems to be necessary nowadays!

I am better in one to one situations, rather than competing with groups of characters who might be louder or more vivacious than me.

Not really sure what else to suggest, but will be watching with interest to see if you get any good tips from others.

Original poster
Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 12:22

Thank you for the replies.

I think I'm going to get to the stage where I just sit there and don't bother asking anyone anything.

DH says I should be more offhand with people and make people feel like they have to work hard to get conversation or time from me.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/09/2017 12:23

You have my sympathies. A lot of people are just bogged down in their own lives, and maybe don't have room to show much interest in other people? I have looked hard to find My People. The deal is we have to listen to each other, and it satisfies the need. When you have found your tribe, it makes it easier to cope with the more self-centred people I find.

Fresh8008 · 28/09/2017 12:24

Listeners tend to attract talkers as friends and vice versa. Have experienced that myself. Is it the same as introvert verses extrovert? Doesn't mean they are not good friends just bad listeners. So either you need to be more extrovert and make some friends that are good at listening. Or you need to learn how to me a more active talker, you tell these friends how you are feeling without waiting for them to ask., dont let the subject become derailed.

So as I was saying, I am feeling shit this morning... interuption.... and the reason I was feeling shit was... interuption.... and what do you think about what I said... interuption.... and so on and so on until you get your opinion aired.

Original poster
Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 12:25

They seem to ask others plenty of questions and show interest in them, but never to me. I went on holiday back in July, as did another friend from my group of friends. When we next went out as a group loads of the others were saying 'oooh how was your holiday?' to her and asking her all about it and looking at her photos on her phone, but no one at all asked me how mine had gone, even though I'd told them all I was going!

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:25

this has happened tome so many times - i have two close friends - and that is it, do not see them that often though. never ever made friends from school run. i feel the same as you and its true, the more interest you take the less people seem interested.
MInd you, sometimes its better keeping out of the cliques , be your own person, thats what i've always done and it does work. If your a bit aloof it makes people wonder - keeping out of all the gossip is sometimes a very good thing. Mind you, i can do this and i dont need people that much - everyone is different!

Original poster
Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 12:49

I guess I am an introvert and don't need people too much so I probably am better off being aloof and detached.

The other thing that always upsets me where friends are concerned is how highly they always speak of others, like total gushing compliments about other people, and because they never ask me anything or listen to me they don't know much about me so I think they can't possibly have anything nice to say about me to other people, if that makes sense!

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:53

It does make perfect sense to me, but then if they are like this your probably better off without any of them;. honestly.

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:54

Most people are self centred , any shit going on in my life i tend to not really talk about too much as i know others are not really interested.
its the way people are i;m afraid.

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 12:57

It doesn't sound like you actually like spending time with the group of friends, in a group setting. Perhaps one to one things, eg coffee, with those you know best and like most, might be better?

Or try to meet new people?

IME the same few people who are close friends can sometimes dominate the conversation in larger groups of friends and more distant invitees: I have kept my distance from one group for this reason as I found this annoying and dull.

Mums at football etc are more like acquaintances? Unsurprising that they're just making chitchat.

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 12:59

Perhaps they are closer friends with the people they're asking Qs to / complimenting? Is the issue that they're acquaintances rather than friends?

Also, it's rarely appropriate to raise negative things (eg problems) in group settings.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 28/09/2017 13:00

I think this behaviour is becoming more common nowadays. People can be self-obsessed and selfish.
Perhaps you need to be more forward, but also you need to find new friends!

Original poster
Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 13:00

Even in the chit chat scenario at football though they all ask each other questions, like how each others kids are doing, or whether one of the mums is enjoying the running club she's joined. It's just me that no one ever directs any questions to. I was there last night and I felt like a spare part. They all have a huge interest in each others lives but no interest in anything to do with me.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 28/09/2017 13:01

lots of people don't ask questions about anyone and just exchange a series of statements about themselves.

LadyinCement · 28/09/2017 13:04

I completely understand Richtea76 . I come away from things knowing people's life and times and complete history of their family and realise they know absolutely nothing about me. Also I'm always confused as to how some people will tell you long stories about Janet from No. 29 and her daughter's friend who is going to Oxford (looking at you, mil - back when you were alive) but never ask or listen to a thing you say so can't possibly tell Janet at no. 29 anything about you.

Fresh8008 · 28/09/2017 13:09

Sounds like your 'group' has developed a pattern. Your the one who never talks about themselves so they dont ask you. Its the old saying that the child who shouts loudest gets all the attention.

I bet if you asked your friends they would have a different opinion of the conversations. Would they describe you as seeming to prefer to keep yourself to yourself and they would feel awkward trying to drag info out of you.

Summerswallow · 28/09/2017 13:11

It sounds like some of the chattier people may know each other better though- at football. There isn't going to be one even spread of friendships there, some will be actively good friends, not just hang out on one day a week at football, so will know more about each other's kids/holidays etc.

I suggest you look for friends, not being more valued in groups which just come together sporadically- find one or two people who are really interested in you and hang out with them. I'm not that interested in some of the people I'm asking about when I'm hanging around on the touch-line or waiting outside school, I'm just being polite, and if I know them already, it's easier to ask questions.

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 13:12

lady, i think we know the same people. lol. i know all about one lady i was friends with once, almost from birth upwards, but she knows zero about me or my family!! its the way it is.
it i just find it all funny, but you do as you get older. when your younger you just want to fit in and have like minded friends. i really feel for the OP to be honest.

Original poster
Richtea76 · 28/09/2017 13:14

Yep that's so true! Everyone seems to know everything about everyone else so must listen to others, it's just that no one listens to me! One friend, even when I meet her on a one to one basis just talks about other friends of hers and what holidays they've been on, what they're kids have been up to at school, what new job they've got. It annoys me!

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 28/09/2017 13:14

The people I know who ask about my family are the ones who had some closeness to that person/family (such as babysitting and such)

blueberrypie0112 · 28/09/2017 13:16

I mean, they babysat or her childis friends with them, etc they deleveloped a small relationship with them

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 13:19

I really would give up with these women Richtea , its not making you happy at all wondering why they 'dont like you' or whatever. life is just too short. people are funny, its the way it is sometimes and its not always personal either.
just be the listener and dont show much interest in them, but they really do not sound worth any effort, even to do this. just my opinion.

PandorasXbox · 28/09/2017 13:19

Listeners tend to attract talkers as friends and vice versa.

This is so true. A lot of people are excellent at just talking at people about themselves, it is very disheartening to be in the receiving end of this.

Maybe time to stop listening and find some new friends?

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