To be upset that no one is ever interested in me?

[Richtea76]

I mean in terms of friends and acquaintances.

I always ask questions, listen, and am engaged with whoever I'm talking to, but no one is ever interested in me. I can't remember the last time anyone asked me a question about me or my life.

I go out regularly with a group of friends and they all ask each other questions about how their children are, or how did their holiday go, or whatever, and no one ever asks me anything. Even when I've had quite big, worrying things going on in my life as I have had recently. If I ever do talk about myself (which is rare TBH as the conversations are always about everyone else!), people start looking around, or butting in, or changing the subject and asking someone else a question.

My DS plays football each week and has done for a few years. There are loads of other mums there, and we all stand and chat each week at training. I also know some of these mums from the school too as DS is in the same class as their DSs. Yet there they are all falling over themselves to catch up on each others news and gossip each week, and I am expected to stand and listen but never get asked anything and no one shows any interest at all.

Does anyone else find that this happens to them? AIBU to be a bit upset by it? I honestly don't want to talk about myself all the time and conversation hog, but it would be really nice if occasionally friends asked how I was.

I've found myself in lots of 'friend' groups over the years, OP, and looking back I find they weren't my friends at all, because when I moved away I was able to do so without a single backward glance at these people.
Thing is, when you think you're surrounded by people who don't seem interested in you, you lose the impetus to try anything more than go through the motions. Which leads to the risk of seeming not very interesting, and it spirals downwards. You get a reputation for being quiet and nobody can be arsed to chisel through that facade, not even you. Some people enjoy that kind of social environment more than others. You sound like someone who needs less superficial engagements - they're much harder to find, but ultimately more rewarding.

I like being the listener really, you find out so much more about a person - it can be very draining and depends if i want to do it or not, but it also depends on the person. if its someone i like and they need a sounding board and i;m in the mood for them, then fine. If not, i can avoid, or just go hmm, yeah' and zone out a bit maybe.
i have a friend at work like this, she needs someone just to listen and i;m her woman, but we would never be 'best friends; or go out socially or anything, but i want to help her and sometimes people want to offload. i couldnt do it to her though. people are just selfish!!

Yes, all the time. Now I keep myself to myself, don't use social media except MN and rarely chat with anybody. It was obvious the other day how much I am not noticed; a work colleague told me I'd have seen something on her FB yet I came off FB six months ago.

Well we sound two of a kind.I often complain no one ever talks to me even though I am interested in them.
Also I am softly spoken and often get interrupted.

So , how are you? And did you have a nice holiday?

OP, I do feel the same as you sometimes. Unfortunately, no matter what reason behind it, it means those people think you are not important. I would suggest you find a group of people that will become your real friends, for those people that are not interested in you, just keep a polite relationship.

How is your day going today OP?

It does sound like you are including in social events and holidays so maybe they just don't realise they are doing it. I find this with big groups of women that quieter ones don't get a look in. I like meeting up in small groups otherwise this tends to happen to me and I feel like a mug! Not sure what to suggest apart from suggesting meet ups with the people you prefer rather than always meeting in such a big group.

Pandora "Maybe time to stop listening and find some new friends?"

Good advice.

But are the football mums friends with each other outside that? So know each other better?

Nice, reciprocal conversation and interest in each other is important in friendship: if someone rarely asked about me, including when alone, I just wouldn't want to spend time with them.

I have in laws (a couple) like this, self absorbed and don't even ask "basic manners" Qs: I don't initiate meeting up! And just talk about myself/DH/the DC without waiting to be asked!

Maybe it's not this, but maybe you don't talk about your life in an interesting way?
Either too aloof and not excited, or with too much detail and take too long to get to the point?

Can you ask your OH or a trusted friend to be honest about how you come across in this respect?

Are you on Facebook? I find I'm left out because other people in the group have seen comments and photos online and the conversation is melded to whatever was said there.

So someone has posted that they're going to a concert, or posted holiday pics, or got a dog and the rest of the group ask about those things when they meet in real life. With cryptic comments like 'how was it, then?' without the normal preamble.

I'm still wondering where they went, who the band was, or what animal Percy is, so probably come across as a bit slow...it's like there's an in-joke I haven't got.

Because I haven't put it on fb, people don't realise you're actually doing stuff too.

I'm actually not that bothered, I am a listener and very private, so don't really like an in depth reprise of my holiday, unless someone really asks eg because they are thinking of going there.

I've concluded that people don't ask me anything because a) I don't slag off my husband b) I don't complain about the kids and c) I lead a much more interesting life than they all do!

Sorry I meant to say I'm not on fb

I agree with User. I find people are becoming really quite self-obsessed as time goes on. Some just have SO MUCH to say and love the sound of their own voices. I have wondered if social media has played it's part. So many folk feel the need to advertise their fantastically sparkly lives, which are, in reality, just normal lives, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. There's a weird competitiveness to it all, and I think the whole 'like' aspect makes it even worse. It's almost as if X amount of likes for a standard photo equates to 'look how wonderfully popular my life is - let's all talk about it!' It seems to give people this faux sense of 'status'

I couldn't be arsed with what you're describing OP, and I can understand how you might find it hurtful and a bit upsetting. I'm no shrinking violet and I can always hold my own in a group, but the older I get, the less tolerant I am of people bleeting their 'me-me-me-me' shite. Real friends don't forget to include you and real friends will always take an interest in you. That's what friends do - they care and support each other. Forgetting or ignoring your presence suggests they are too wrapped up in themselves to be considered friends.

Go hunt down some people who deserve you and who will appreciate what you have to say

I don't do well in groups, and tend to feel like you do, OP. Other people manage to have a certain tone and manner which fits into the atmosphere better than mine does-- it's hard to explain.

When you think about this group of mums, is there one person who seems more understanding and sort of on the same wavelength as you? I would try to make a date with one other mum to do something like go for a walk, have coffee, or take all of your kids somewhere together. Perhaps if you are one-to-one, you will develop a more balanced conversation, which might lead to a real friendship.

I think sometimes in groups it's tricky to ask everyone a question though, conversation just flows, so, for example, you said they asked your friend about her holiday and then they all talked about it and engaged. What did you do at that point? Because if we were talking about holidays I might have chimed in with what I did on my holiday rather than waiting for someone to ask me the same question.

Similarly at football, I might ask the mum nearest me how her son is finding year 2 but I'm not only asking her - I would expect anyone who heard me to engage in the conversation and I would be as interested in their answer as the person I'd asked.

In big groups you can't sit and wait for everyone to divert their attention to you, you just need to join in. As PP have said maybe that's not for you or how you prefer to engage in which case maybe you should concentrate on 1 on 1 meetings but I wouldn't take it personally or think they don't like you

So strange... if you talk as you write, you sound pretty interesting, so it's really strange that no one is interested in you. Does DS get along with the other kids? Or does he feel ignored like you?

People these days seem to be more and more self absorbed - I don't think it's you OP - I was actually taken aback the other day when someone asked me about me. It made me realise how much people just talk about themselves and show no interest in others.

c) I lead a much more interesting life than they all do!

That is often true.

I've recently spent a week in an African country. Does anyone want a full account? Not really, except the people at work who have some interest on it.
If I went on and on about it to friends, it would look like showing off. So, I tend to keep to topics they may relate to, such as my luggage woes.

I have this problem too.

I have four lovely friends. Sadly, all but one live a bit of a distance away. I could do with a couple more!

I'm quite careful who I let in these days having been quite badly let down in the past. I do my best to be friendly with everyone but the only people I tend to let in now are the ones who are really interested in me and we have a balanced relationship. Not the ones who ignore me and tell me they've stubbed their toe in response to me telling them I've had a bad accident and haven't been able to drive for three months (on whatsapp)....

In the past I've had two bosses tell me they don't know anything about me. Ha ha! Yes, that's because we always talk about you because you've never bothered to express any interest in my life whatsoever you egocentric fool.