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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about DH going away on business with female colleague?

35 replies

MyBumAintHalfSore · 28/09/2017 12:04

A few weeks back DH announced that a new woman had started at his work. A lead buyer with a reputation for being cut-throat and ruthless.

A week or so later he tells me this woman is rubbing people up the wrong way as she's so ruthless and basically gets what she wants when she wants it with no regard to anyone else.

This week he's telling me that he's met this woman now and she "let on" to him and seems ok but gossip is spreading around the workplace that she's come in like a bull in a China shop and is making quite the impact. She's the same age as him. I'm 10 years younger and a quiet, passive type. The way he talks it's as if he's fascinated by her.

Then he tells me he me he may have to go on a few business trips with her around the UK.

Now he tells me this will happen in a fortnight and they will be going to Glasgow together. This involves them hiring a car, driving 300 miles, going out to dinner with clients and then staying overnight in a hotel. Separate rooms obviously.

He's making all the right noises "oh I'm dreading it, 2 days stuck with her, wish you could come and keep me company" etc etc but he's clearly fascinated by her by the way he goes on! AIBU to be concerned?

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 28/09/2017 12:11

YABU. He's probably "fascinated" because of her manner and the way she's making such an impact. Not because he's interested in her! I can imagine that I'd talk about someone similar at home with my DH.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 28/09/2017 12:11

Has he ever home on business trips before?

It does sound like he has mentionitis but that doesn't mean he will act on what could be a crush or even if he did, that she would reciprocate.

Original poster

MyBumAintHalfSore · 28/09/2017 12:13

Yes the bloke she replaced used to do the business trips with DH so I know it makes sense but I can't help but have a weird feeling about it.

OP posts:

CanIBuffalo · 28/09/2017 12:14

Why aren't you asking him? Genuinely curious as to why you aren't.

Original poster

MyBumAintHalfSore · 28/09/2017 12:16

I've mentioned it to him and he says I'm being daft. If I go on too much he'll just stop mentioning her then I'll get even more paranoid

OP posts:

CanIBuffalo · 28/09/2017 12:18

Why can't you believe him?

sooperdooper · 28/09/2017 12:19

It's not her you need to worry about though is it, it's your DH you clearly don't trust

Has he given you reason not to trust him? Otherwise it's really unfair on him to be thinking something untoward will happen just because his colleague happens to be female

hingedspeculum · 28/09/2017 12:21

How would you feel if he wasn't making the "right noises"? If he was ambivalent about going on the trip, or even looking forward to it - working with a new colleague full of ideas and competence?

Would it then be a discussion about your sense of self esteem and/or jealousy? Or more foundational issues with trust in the relationship?

Original poster

MyBumAintHalfSore · 28/09/2017 12:21

Because things aren't right in our marriage, we barely have sex and he seems unhappy and stressed all the time. I can't help but think if he got the opportunity, he'd go for it.

In the early days of our relationship he cheated on me (or at least tried to arranging to meet up with an 18 year old and then tried chatting to a woman on a dating site until she reminded him that they'd spoken already and she never heard back from him after she sent him a photo!!!). He said he was stressed and depressed at the time and he'd never act like that now but I don't think I ever really got over it.

OP posts:

archerer · 28/09/2017 12:21

Fascinated doesn't necessarily equal attraction. Talk to him

InsomniacAnonymous · 28/09/2017 12:22

"she "let on" to him"

Can someone please explain to me what that means?

CanIBuffalo · 28/09/2017 12:22

OP I'm a big believer in following your instinct but you need to unpick why your instinct is telling you something's wrong. Is it based on real external stuff or on your own history/attitudes?

JessicaEccles · 28/09/2017 12:25

So your husband has basically slagged off this 'cut throat bitch' who gets what she wants-. So if she makes a pass at him he will have no choice but to give in

CanIBuffalo · 28/09/2017 12:25

Cross post.
You have every reason not to trust him. That will never completely go away even if he doesn't put a foot out of line forthe rest of his life. One of the worst aspects of cheating is that it fundamentally changes the cheated on partner's ability to completelly turst again. It's so very damaging.

CanIBuffalo · 28/09/2017 12:26

Or completely trust

Viviennemary · 28/09/2017 12:30

I can't see anything in the current situation here that makes it sound as if he intends to cheat. Beware of being suspicious of something that doesn't exist. But if you had good reason to suspect something then that's different. But now I see he's already cheated once before I expect you will always be suspicious. I would be too.

Florence16 · 28/09/2017 12:33

I think you're unfairly getting a hard time here.

Like some others have said you need to unlock why you feel like this. If you can't trust him, should you stay with him? What reassurance is he giving you (because he should be offering plenty given his past behaviour)? One of my friends was cheated on and her DH is not in a job that requires going away from home (it would be incredibly tough for them if it did, I'm not sure what would happen) but he is always very reassuring. If he is going to be late home she knows when and why. She has access to his rota to know when he's doing what and where. She trusts him more as time goes on so things get scales back, but he is very much 'I fucked up I'll do whatever I need to in the hope of repairing this'.

OnionKnight · 28/09/2017 12:37

Why did you marry him if he'd already cheated? Forgive me if that is harsh but you'll never not be suspicious of him.

guilty100 · 28/09/2017 12:46

I don't think there's anything you can do about the business trips - it's reasonable for his work to ask him to go. However, it sounds like your trust in him is catastrophically low (for good reason) and your sex life is virtually non-existent. Maybe there are things to work on there?

LittleWitch · 28/09/2017 12:47

What is it about your husband that you think will make this woman interested in him?

Huppopapa · 28/09/2017 12:49

"mentionitis"!

No but... Why not use it as an opportunity. You can tell him that you know this is what he used to do with his male colleague but in light of the fact you have been feeling some distance, can he understand why you would be concerned. You're not accusing him of owt: just explaining your anxiety as his DW.

If he goes off on one you do have reason to worry...

InsomniacAnonymous · 28/09/2017 12:57

What does "let on" to him mean?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 28/09/2017 13:01

To "let on" to someone means being friendly.

CavoliRiscaldati · 28/09/2017 13:08

OP, if your DH wants to cheat with her, he doesn't have to go all the way to Glasgow for that. I am not trying to come across as unkind. I just mean that you need to work on your relationship with your DH and your trust. If someone wants to cheat, it's not that difficult, you can't live your life being stressed and paranoid. Your instincts might be right, but it's a general problem, not this trip.

On a side note, she might be exactly as describe but still have no interest in your DH, but if you don't trust him that's what your problem is.

InsomniacAnonymous · 28/09/2017 13:11

Oh, thank you SpitefulMidLifeAnimal.

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