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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH would leave me if I won the lottery?

53 replies

ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:30

We all have pipe dreams right? Well mine is winning the lottery. I've always been slightly obsessed about the thought of it and have even planned what house I'm going to buy and what business I'm going to start when it happens.

Anyway last night I was daydreaming about this event as I often do and my mind trailed off into a scenario where DH realised if he left me he'd get £30m of the £60m that I'd won. I'd just bought the house when DH announced he wanted a divorce and I started thinking about my reaction to having to live in this spooky big house on my own. I mentally gave myself a shake and thought "what am I doing? The lottery daydream is supposed to be fun!" But deep down, I'm 90% certain that he would leave.

I think if he had shit loads of money and was set up for life he would bugger off and get himself a younger, fitter model.

AIBU to think like this or just being a realist?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/09/2017 11:31

Nobody else can really answer that. Do you believe, deep down, he's only with you because he has no other real options?

RB68 · 28/09/2017 11:32

Leave him now then

RB68 · 28/09/2017 11:32

Leave him now then

RB68 · 28/09/2017 11:32

Leave him now then

ElspethFlashman · 28/09/2017 11:32

Honestly, that would never even occur to me. Lots of other things would, like DH being too nervous to spend any of it and me exploding and demanding we buy something big and frivolous just out of pettiness.......but leaving? No. I think you guys are in trouble if that's a reasonable assumption.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 11:33

What's your financial situation at the moment? Who earns more? Do you have children together?

It's quite a realisation that your husband would leave if he could afford to. It must be a horrible feeling.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 28/09/2017 11:35

Nah, this wouldn't occur to me AT ALL.

DP was raised with practically nothing. We've both worked damn hard for what we have. I think if either of us one the lottery (and we were married) it would just make our lives so much easier. Of course things would change, but I'm not worried that that would involve him buggering off, tbh.

Why do you think he'll go? Are there other problems in your marriage?

Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:36

I think he stays with me because it's easier. He likes the easy life and although we get on great 90% of the time, he never really seems truely happy.

In all honesty I don't think he wanted to get married again but did it for me. Now he's stuck in a situation where he'd lose out financially by divorcing me and would be embarrassed about having a second divorce to his name so he's simply "settling".

OP posts:
Aderyn17 · 28/09/2017 11:37

Would he get half though? Aren't lottery winnings the same as inheritance and not considered part of the joint marital pot?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 28/09/2017 11:38

No, this wouldn't occur to me at all We'd be so excited and planning the family house we'd build together and the travelling we'd do.

Does it make you happy to be with someone who would leave if he felt he could? What's it like to live like that every day?

Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:39

He earns around £15k more than I do but my income moves is from "comfortable" to "almost well off".

His ex wife never worked so he'd always been used to being the sole earner. Now he's got used to this second income and I think he'd miss it. If we divorced now he'd go back to being "comfortable" but would lose half of the house to me etc. This happened with his first wife which is why I think he's just staying with me to avoid losing anymore.

OP posts:
Aderyn17 · 28/09/2017 11:40

Being serious though, do you think your husband loves you? Because if he doesn't then you owe it to yourself to get out, never mind him being embarrassed.
If there is love, but things aren't right, now is a good time to start fixing it, getting some professional help. But you can't fix lack of love.

Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:43

I honestly don't know if he does. He says he does but I don't feel it. He never wants to have sex with me for a start, he's always "tired" yet will think nothing of staying up past midnight to watch tv or play games.

I get the feeling he sees me as a good travel companion. We spend our lives looking forward to the next holiday and the time inbetween is mudane - almost like coasting along in limbo.

OP posts:
TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 28/09/2017 11:46

Again, though, what's that like for you? What does it feel like for you to live with someone you feel has settled for you and who you don't really think loves you?

Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:50

I'm in denial 99% of the time. It's only when incidents like my lottery daydream go dark that I realise it's always at the back of my mind.

I tell myself it doesn't matter as I have a good life here and may as well settle too but deep down it hurts.

OP posts:
diam0nd5 · 28/09/2017 11:53

OP I'm sorry you feel like this.

I do actually know at least 5 men who have come into that kind of money and more. All of them married with kids in their mid to late 40s. None of them have left their wives for "younger models". Mostly they have invested the money for the DC's future. They get aporoached a lot with investment opportunities and charities. Maybe a sports car or two, but apart from that, nobody's lives have changed noticeably. People don't tend to go wild with money they have no experience of ever having had before. Life pretty much carries in as normal. I think the whole idea of "multi millionaire runs off with 22- year old model" is a stereotype, not reality. If you're the type who is going to run off with another woman, you will do it anyway.

OP - sometimes dreams are wishful thinking. Are you sure you don't secretly wish you could get rid of him?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 11:55

How old are you both?

Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:55

Diamond5 - I can't honestly say no to that question 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:55

I'm 36, he's 46

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 11:58

I think if you want to pull out of the marriage, now is the time to do it, when both of you have a chance to build yourselves up again financially. I wouldn't want to stay for decades with a bloke I thought wanted to leave.

diam0nd5 · 28/09/2017 12:00

Proverb - It sounds like you're maybe craving a closeness that he's not giving you, so you're dreaming about a way out, a different life.
Anyway, if he's 46 and you're 36, you already are a "younger model". Grin Maybe he is one of those people who will never realise what they have, until it's gone?

AgathaF · 28/09/2017 12:00

It's very sad that you feel this way. Have you talked to him about it? You really should. He may be horrified to know you think like this, or may not. Perhaps he's just happy and complacent? Talk to him, or let him read this thread.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 28/09/2017 12:01

In my lottery daydream the first thing I do is deposit 50% of it into DH’s personal account (£60m in my daydream...I’m obviously way greedier than you)...only because I’d get pissed off on him investing “our” money in his football team Grin

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 28/09/2017 12:01

You're so young. Are you really OK to spend the rest of your life without love?

Endurance tends to turn, silently but inevitably, into resentment on both sides.

Aderyn17 · 28/09/2017 12:02

Is everything alright at work for him? Going off sex can be a sign of depression. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love or want you.
I honestly think you shouldn't let this go, but look into some relationship counselling. I don't think you should settle for less than a man who loves you, if it comes to that.

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