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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH would leave me if I won the lottery?

53 replies

ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:30

We all have pipe dreams right? Well mine is winning the lottery. I've always been slightly obsessed about the thought of it and have even planned what house I'm going to buy and what business I'm going to start when it happens.

Anyway last night I was daydreaming about this event as I often do and my mind trailed off into a scenario where DH realised if he left me he'd get £30m of the £60m that I'd won. I'd just bought the house when DH announced he wanted a divorce and I started thinking about my reaction to having to live in this spooky big house on my own. I mentally gave myself a shake and thought "what am I doing? The lottery daydream is supposed to be fun!" But deep down, I'm 90% certain that he would leave.

I think if he had shit loads of money and was set up for life he would bugger off and get himself a younger, fitter model.

AIBU to think like this or just being a realist?

OP posts:
guilty100 · 28/09/2017 12:05

Wow, what a way to realise something fundamental about your marriage. I sometimes think dreaming occasionally provides a way for us to explore things that we can't otherwise confront.

It sounds as though you're actually more unhappy than you've allowed yourself to see. However, on the upside, the situation doesn't sound unfixable. Your day-to-day has become a bit boring and mundane, and the sex isn't as great as it once was... but those things can be confronted and worked on, with a bit of a will, provided you do still both love each other and want to make it work at some level (I think whether you want to put that effort in is a really hard question to answer - the first answer that comes isn't necessarily the real one).

Sounds like you'd both benefit from marriage counselling and spicing up your daily routine!

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:05

I dont want to be negative, It doesn;t always bring happiness, there have been numerous stories over the years of Pools and Lottery win winners who have split up and moved on from partners they have been with forever.
I do understand what you mean, i always joke to my dh of 31 years that we could just buy separate places, but then my kids are all grown up and i would sort them out with a place first. Of course, i dont know if we would do this - i like to think we would just have a nice life and be able to help all those people i know that i love and cherish ( depends on what figures you have though,not everyone could get millions if i only won a million. family first and all that. ) I really wouldnt worry too much though, nobody knows what anyone would do with a huge win, it is mind boggling, just dream about it and try not to think too much about the other things!

Oakmaiden · 28/09/2017 12:07

I had a big row with my husband a few weeks ago because he was playing the "I wish we would win the lottery" game, and I said that if we did it would probably split us up. Not, as you have said, OP, because either of us are settling with the other because of a lack of options, but more, I think, because we have settled with life for lack of options. The things I would choose to do if I have unlimited funds (move to the countryside - probably near my family/travel) are completely different from the things he would choose to do (he prefers urban life/has no interest in going anywhere and would probably give up work and play computer games 24/7). At the moment we live in an urban area, both work and I run children to their activities and have a couple of local hobbies while he, well, plays on the computer.

I think it is a problem when you want different things out of life. But sometimes you have to accept you are never (realistically) going to get what you want no matter what, so you have to kindof settle.

I'm not sure I could do that if it wasn't WITH someone I wanted to be with, though...

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 12:08

If you're really 90% sure he'd leave you if not for financial reasons then ending the relationship would be for the best IMO.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 28/09/2017 12:10

This is really sad. If you honestly believe this, I would leave. It can't do much for your self-esteem to think your husband is just settling for you.

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:15

There was a couple who won huge , married for a long time and split. he now has a much younger woman ' who really loves him' - maybe she does and would have done without all the cash in the bank - not everyone is married forever these days, money or not.
but it does make me wonder - money = certain power and kudos. i can see how it happens.

pallisers · 28/09/2017 12:19

OP, it strikes me that you only talk about what he feels and what he has settled for. What about you? 36 is really young - many of my friends hadn't even met their life-long companion at that stage. Are you settling for him? You don't need a lottery win to change your life for the better.

Summerswallow · 28/09/2017 12:26

As someone else said, you are the 'younger model'! I wouldn't worry about this in a million years, that's quite a sad thing to think about your marriage and it's really worth having a chat/working on what's wrong/spending time together not just on these holidays to see if you can't get more enjoyment out of life. If not, do you need to be together? Children?

KERALA1 · 28/09/2017 12:29

I used to deal with the private affairs of the super rich. Most of them remained married and if they did break up the men usually paired up with a woman of similar age and social circumstances.

Penfold007 · 28/09/2017 12:33

Your just 36 years old and hopefully have many years of life ahead of you. Don't just 'settle' for what you've currently got.

Icanteat · 28/09/2017 12:35

What would your husband say if you told him you thought this way?

Would he deny it? Or agree?

He never really seems truely happy.

What does truly happy seem like? I'm Mrs emotional, whereas my dh is never up never down - just fairly steady. I used to think that was a bad thing, but as we continue to get to know each other (it takes two lifetimes!) it is one of my favourite parts about him.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/09/2017 12:40

Now I wanna know if you get to keep all the money if you are married and you win the lottery ... do you?

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 12:41

It belongs to both of you.

Fresh8008 · 28/09/2017 12:43

Your probably right because most couples who win the lottery do end up separating. Don't take it to personally as money corrupts the mind.

so he's simply "settling" Is that so bad? Are you settling? If he is ok with it they why not you? We are bombarded with the concept of the 'perfect love' and you are deficient if you dont achieve it. I dont know anyone who has achieved it. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Do you want to risk what you have now, against maybe something that might not exist and being alone, possibly ending up settling for something even less.

And if you won the lottery, why would you be starting a business?

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 12:47

If he does feel this way, i hope that you do come into money and able to have your own business and be successful and then you wouldnt need him! ( you can do all these things anyway, but money makes it all so much easier to do)
Nobodies life is rosy though - nobody ever has the perfect relationship.
you have to grow up together as partners and try to bring out the best in each other - if he isnt doing this, then maybe he isnt worth it? i do understand what you mean though - is there a big back story, or just the way your feeling now?

Nousernameforme · 28/09/2017 13:02

fyi he gets nothing if you win. If you buy a big family home then he is entitled to half that but otherwise nope.

SpringBreak · 28/09/2017 13:04

Someone I worked with won over a million on the lottery and her husband left her pretty much immediately. I also know of someone who won a very large sum and who deposited it with private bankers, kept quiet, and divorced her husband so she didn't have to share. I guess if she wasn't after money from him, there wouldn't have been a need to disclose her financial position? She left the money unspent for over a year while it was all put in place.

The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 13:08

spring, that was sneaky of her , but goes to show that money also can free people from unhappy marriages/ relationships. Its a powerful tool to have. The gnomes of Zurich must have many such accounts.
I just think i'd go down the separate houses front myself ( depends on the win of course)

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/09/2017 13:17

Aderyn - thank you! The moral seems to be that the OP can keep her dosh only if she does not buy her dream house! Her DH could then move in and claim a portion of the house ...

shazami · 28/09/2017 13:34

As this is an anonymous forum, I will say this and then NC Confused. A few years back, DH came into £60 million after the sale of a company. What happened was -

  • he paid around £30 million in tax
  • he invested maybe half of what was left in other companies, ventures, etc.
  • He has no family except me and our DC. My family have become more distant towards us. We gave my DPs money but they have been quite strange since.
  • He bought a car and some jewellery for me.
  • we're relieved to not have to worry about the school fees and future uni fees
  • That's it. No glamorous women Grin Day to day life as normal.
  • Other people we know in a similar situation have been exactly the same.
  • our relationship is the same as it was before. He still works as before because it wouldn't make sense to wind his company down at present. He still gets stressed out by work.
  • so I think if there are cracks in a relationship, money may bring this to the surface (as in the case of my relationship with my family which was always a bit fragile and hard work). Otherwise, it makes no difference to your relationship because people remain the same essentially.
The80sweregreat · 28/09/2017 13:47

shazami, 30 million just in tax? goodness me, that is such an eye watering amount of money!
i am sorry your own parents were odd towards you .

shazami · 28/09/2017 13:56

Maybe lottery wins are tax free - I don't know?
Thanks 80s. My family were always very complex anyway.

Username324 · 28/09/2017 13:57

A very similar imaginary lottery win was one of the final nails in my marriage too, OP.
I was, light heartedly, chatting with H (now ex) about where we would live if we won and he chose a different county - I knew then that the cold, sexless, marriage was done.

Danceswithwarthogs · 28/09/2017 14:03

Only going on what happended on "the syndicate" on TV - it would appear your spouse doesn't have a claim on personal lottery winnings.

However, sounds like your marriage could be drifting towards the rocks, you don't want to sleepwalk into divorce. Maybe explain to him that you crave more closeness, maybe suggest marriage counselling if you think it's worth saving