Feeling like I'm far too soft!

[Dumbo412]

Ok so there's a long backstory here, my H has got us into a lot of shit in our time together. I've been with him throughout him losing his business- I tell everyone that it wasn't his fault- It was all his fault. He completely screwed up. I was with him through his bankruptcy, he didn't pay his OR but was still released. During that time I was stuck paying his car finance at the time.
Last week he needed £450 off me to hire a car because that's what he prefers to do instead of buy one.
This morning I was awakened by an enforcement officer who was here because he hadn't paid a driving fine, he cancelled the DD with £30 left to pay. It was taken back to court and the bailiff came knocking for £340 after fees were added.

He was hiding in the downstairs toilet, I went downstairs, let them in, coaxed him out of the toilet, as he complained that he had £170 in another account but it would take hours for the transfer. In the meantime I've gone to get my bank card, paid £300 off it and had to raid my daughters piggybank for the other £40.

As he's still staring at his phone. I feel so dejected, i feel ashamed that I raided DDs piggybank. He's going to replace the money by the end of the day, but I'm ashamed that I had to do it, or risk my daughter waking up to bailiffs being here.

I feel like I'm being a mug.

It's never going to get better is it? I've chucked him out several times because of situations like this. We were even evicted last year because he wasn't paying rent as he should have been. I moved into our new house on my own.

Not sure if it matters, but it's not like he makes a small wage. He earns in excess of £55k per year- and he gets gross payment on that. Today I also found out he hasn't got money put away for tax... it was my first idea that he could borrow money from his tax account. But no that's £0.00 too.

FWIW- the car I was paying finance on during his bankruptcy, was in my name despite not driving. I felt he was majorly taking the piss, so I learnt to drive and took the car back, not before going and buying him a cheap run around, which he drove for a few months before deciding he would hire cars constantly.

I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and decide whether you can continue to live in fear of him fucking up and you losing everything.

Would he be willing to seek help for his money problems? I'm not sure what form that would take, be it counselling or financial advisor help?

You can't go on as you are, it is incredibly unfair to both you and your DD to be put in the position of having to deal with bailiffs!

DH and I have had money problems, and I do tend to be the one to sort them out, but they're not on the scale of your DH's issues...

Sorry I'm not much help, good luck OP

Why are you still with him?

Tbh you've been a saint in the face of his constant fuckery. I don't think I could live like this. It's a continuous loop and he never sorts himself out because he knows at the end of the day you will always be there to sort it out and indeed take him back.

You need to have an honest reflection with yourself about whether or not you can continue in this sort of relationship.

Thanks foofighter. I don't know where I could send him, nothing's going to sort him out. I thought bankruptcy was the lowest he would get, then us being evicted, I thought that it would all get better. This fine that the bailiffs attended for today, it was for a driving fine, from my understanding he can be imprisoned if he doesn't pay it. Even if that's not true it's what I told him when the letters asking for payment arrived in the first instance.

Your a mug op.
He's not going to change.
Especially while he's got you there enabling him.
Get out while you can.

Sparrowhawk- I think it's because he's the only person I have in my life. I don't really have family or friends.

Vladamirs poutine- I think I need to face up to the fact that this really is a continuous loop. I've spent seven years telling myself that it's just been circumstances that have made it that way, but I need to face up to it not being something that is going to improve.

And you don't need to send him anywhere he can cope himself esp if he's a high earner

Thanks Fishface.

As for the only having him, I'd rather have no one than a waster like him.

I'm harsh sorry op.

If her earns that kind of money, where is it going? Does he have a gambling habit you are not aware of?
You will be forever fire fighting if you cannot get to the cause of his money problems.

No fishface, you're fine!

Hadalifeonce- not gambling, not anymore. It once seemed to be a problem. I know he's paying rent, often his car expense, there are some business expenses. But he shouldn't be blowing through the money he gets each week. I know that most weeks he changes his car with the deposit it's £350ish- but he gets the deposit back.

The point where a man hid and let his wife deal with bailiffs he had brought down on the family, and watched her raid his child's money while he sat on his own £170, would be the point at which I could feel nothing for him but utter contempt.

Did he even say he would pay you and your daughter back, OP?

There are loads of people out there that you can be friends with once you cut this dead weight loose. Come on OP don't keep doing this to yourself.

It once seemed to be a problem.

This just gets worse. Do you have any of your own money? Do you work?
I'd really recommend you consider talking to a lawyer. You don't want to be saddled with his fuck-ups.

A normal person would learn from their mistake the first time and not let anything similar happen again. Some people might need a second chance. Any more than that they will never change.

As cliched as it may sound there is a very thin line between love and hate. You're honestly on the cusp of this. He's worn you down. That's why you feel like you're 'soft'. But I reckon you probably aren't having basically spent a huge chunk of your marriage firefighting.

Tiramisuqueenofthefaeries- great name btw!
He's paying DD back b fore she knows the money is gone. He's promised £100 back today. He says he's made a transfer to my account.... whether he's done that we shall see!

You are being soft yes. Why did you pay it for him? He won't learn as he knows you'll always bail him out. I'm not sure why you would trust him with rent knowing what he's like.

I would have to leave. I couldn't be with someone who got us evicted and watched me raid our kids piggy bank.

He's promised £100 back today. He says he's made a transfer to my account.... whether he's done that we shall see!

So even you don't really believe his promises any more.

Well, nobody could blame you for that, because they're blatantly not worth the breath they're spoken in. But, honestly, when you don't even trust him to keep his promises to repay you, what would you stay for? This is your life, if you stay; this cycle, over and over again, at least until your children get sick of having their assets raided and cut you both off.

How many more years are you willing to stay if things stay the same?
10 years?
5 years?
One year?

Vladamirs poutine- I do have some money of my own. I work part time I tried to give my notice last week to be at home more and work on our relationship, luckily my manager wasn't happy to accept it (I'd written an email, she wanted a letter) so I've still got a job! And I've just been awarded PIP for my mental health issues- that's the only way I had the money to give. If it wasn't for the PIP award being made, and them paying me about 17 weeks of the money, it simply wouldn't have been here. It hurts even more knowing that he has taken money that is supposed to be for me because I'm unwell.

I work part time I tried to give my notice last week to be at home more and work on our relationship, luckily my manager wasn't happy to accept it (I'd written an email, she wanted a letter) so I've still got a job!

Oh dear Lord, please don't do that. The last thing you need is to be at home more to "work on this relationship" and be even more financially vulnerable than you are. It sounds to me like he might be controlling in other ways as well as being "terrible" with money; has he made it difficult for you to work or to see friends/family? Have you had to move "for his work/business" by any chance? I don't think it's at all a coincidence that you've ended up isolated and struggling with your mental health.

Purpleminiommummy- i wouldn't have if I thought there was any chance they would only touch stuff he has paid for. That would be the printer, laptop and two bedside tables. Sadly they'd see the things I've bought and think he paid toward them.
I can't have my daughters home pulled apart- not that we have nice things anymore- they were all pawned long ago.

The only way to break the cycle is for OP to have full control of his money and for him to be given money to pay for what he needs - no access to credit cards, nothing. That way OP can make sure that rent & bills get paid, and that money is put away for tax & savings. More hassle for OP on a day to day basis but at least she won't be stuck with bailiffs again. Otherwise I'd be looking to live separately. Hiding from a bailiff and leaving your OH to deal with it AND rob your daughter's piggy bank?! Shameful. If that's not a wake up call nothing will be.