Feeling like I'm far too soft!

[Dumbo412]

Ok so there's a long backstory here, my H has got us into a lot of shit in our time together. I've been with him throughout him losing his business- I tell everyone that it wasn't his fault- It was all his fault. He completely screwed up. I was with him through his bankruptcy, he didn't pay his OR but was still released. During that time I was stuck paying his car finance at the time.
Last week he needed £450 off me to hire a car because that's what he prefers to do instead of buy one.
This morning I was awakened by an enforcement officer who was here because he hadn't paid a driving fine, he cancelled the DD with £30 left to pay. It was taken back to court and the bailiff came knocking for £340 after fees were added.

He was hiding in the downstairs toilet, I went downstairs, let them in, coaxed him out of the toilet, as he complained that he had £170 in another account but it would take hours for the transfer. In the meantime I've gone to get my bank card, paid £300 off it and had to raid my daughters piggybank for the other £40.

As he's still staring at his phone. I feel so dejected, i feel ashamed that I raided DDs piggybank. He's going to replace the money by the end of the day, but I'm ashamed that I had to do it, or risk my daughter waking up to bailiffs being here.

I feel like I'm being a mug.

It's never going to get better is it? I've chucked him out several times because of situations like this. We were even evicted last year because he wasn't paying rent as he should have been. I moved into our new house on my own.

Not sure if it matters, but it's not like he makes a small wage. He earns in excess of £55k per year- and he gets gross payment on that. Today I also found out he hasn't got money put away for tax... it was my first idea that he could borrow money from his tax account. But no that's £0.00 too.

Tiramisuqueen- that's what I've been questioning over the past month or so. I sat down and actually figured out what our relationship has cost me, in terms of debt that I have accrued, or had to deal with and it is close to £30.000. And then I've gone and given him a further £750 this week. I don't want to get divorced, but god I don't know if I can do this any more.

Tiramisuqueen- he hasn't made work easy but he isn't controlling, to be honest my family are the reason my confidence was so ground down to accept him into my life.

We ended up moving to where he was working at the time, he was working on the building site where there was a man who bought one of the houses to rent out. He spoke to the man who agreed to rent to him, no references or checks or there's no way he would have rented to him. I oversee the rent payment each month. I often pay over half of it, and it often takes all of my money, but it gets paid. The agreement is in my name only.

Nikephorus- we have tried this, but he started to get payments made directly to an account without a bank card so only he can access it... it's a tide account. I know very little except there's no card and that's where his money goes.
Until that point I'd been taking his bank card and paying our bills each week.

There is the option of possibly getting it paid into another account that he doesn't have access to, then transferring what's left after all expenses to him.

After all this I'm not even sure I like him anymore. I know for one thing, I don't respect him.

he hasn't made work easy but he isn't controlling, to be honest my family are the reason my confidence was so ground down to accept him into my life.

Ouch; it's certainly understandable why this would be so relatively normalised to you if your family are abusive. And I would put "making it difficult for you to work" as being in the bracket of "controlling"; it can be even more devastatingly effective to be quietly, subtly obstructive than to overtly try and prevent someone from doing something, because then you internalise it and think you're leaving your job "voluntarily" because "it's just easier".

I think the good news in what you just posted is that you can kick him out of your house, if you want. He makes a very fine salary; he is perfectly capable of fending for himself.

I know no-one wants to get divorced, but I don't think you can spend the rest of your life throwing £10,000s of yours and your daughter's money down his bottomless pit; do you?

I can't have my daughters home pulled apart- not that we have nice things anymore- they were all pawned long ago.

But how can you know that this time next year... forget even next year, but in a few weeks time something else won't come up. Your daughter is growing and you won't always be able to 'hide' it from her. She will notice things, ask questions, feel tension. Why isn't he concerned for her welfare? Were it not for you I'm not sure your daughter would currently have a roof over her head a hot meal. All this leads back to him and him alone. Do you recognise that?

For heaven's sake, dump this man! Can't you see your future with him? You will be old and completely broke - maybe even bankrupt. Why would you do this to yourself?

Keep a relationship with him if you want - divorce him and see him occasionally - but please, please keep your finances completely separate from him. The only way you can do that is to divorce him and not ever lend him another penny.

You don't have anyone else? You have your daughter, who deserves better, and without him pulling you down you will be able to make friends.

His money should be going into your account.

Ditch him, and get CSA involved. They can take the money off before it gets to him to spend.

PAWNED! YOU HAVEN'T GOT NICE STIDD BECAUSE THIS CUNT PAWNED IT!

Fuck that shit op! Get the fuck out.

whilst you are still there, bailing him out - you have firmly established yourself in the position of enabler.
You are a strong capable human - you do not need him. You need you and DD.
The level of disrespect he has shown by fucking hiding whilst you had to go through the mortification of scrabbling around for money is mind boggling. I could not forgive that part above all the rest.
If your mental health issues are severe enough for you to be awarded PIP (harder to get than a sackful of Blue Peter badges!) then please please protect yourself and get him out. He will make you ill.
You will loathe him so much soon that you won't be able to look at him.
The best thing you can do is be honest with people. Their horror will show you what you need to see. While you cover up and stick a bright smile on, you deprive yourself of genuine concern and help from others who could possibly help you.
Post in relationships - you'll get some great practical advice

Thank you everyone. I know what I need to do. I'm just so scared.
I'm so scared of being completely alone, because I struggle so much with life and what if it all falls apart without his help?
But then again, I know that there's so much that has gone wrong, that can go wrong, and will go wrong if he's around. My whole life has been crap over the time I've been with him.
As a person I've crumbled to pieces and to be honest, I've spent today really weighing things up, I can't honestly say I even love him anymore.
For a long time I've been saying that he's ruined the way I felt about him. I knew that, but today I've tried to concentrate on what it is that I still feel for him, and I don't know, but let's just say, the past month I've spent probably 3 weeks sleeping on the sofa for one reason or another. "Oh DDs unwell,I'll stay in the living room with her" oh I'm not feeling sleepy-I'll stay in the livingroom" "oh I'll settle the dog in the livingroom with me" two years ago I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him by my side.

I struggle so much with life and what if it all falls apart without his help?
But you're the one who's keeping it all together so actually you'll be fine. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for & you know that you'll do it for your DD if nothing else.

OH op this is really shocking.......what type of a so called man, risks his daughter being homeless whilst earning 55K? because that is exactly what he is doing....so sorry but he is a complete waster.

I would have nothing but contempt for any partner behaving like that ONCE let along all those times.....love would soon be eroded.

Please have confidence in you ability to live quite happily without him, from your posts it is quite clear you are the one in control of finances, organisation, planning and taking responsibility!

You have the lovely opportunity of meeting someone who can be a proper life partner in time, if you leave this relationship, you won't be alone for ever....

Though l would chose being at peace alone rather than living like you are currently anyday...have you thought that he is contributing to your health issues if not causing them?

You can take a step at a time. Literally, one small step at a time.
Eg.
Look up the contact details for your local Citizens Advice Bureau and Women's Aid.
Call or email them. Make appointments.
Go.
Tell them what you've told us. Take it from there.

He earns good money and he owes you - can you get him to set up a payment to you as soon as he's paid?

A friend once said to me: "When you don't know what to do, do what you can". I've found that to be invaluable advice.

Just start.

I struggle so much with life and what if it all falls apart without his help?

Who's the one dealing with the bailiffs and finding the money for them? You. Who pays the rent? You. Who advocates for herself and gets PIP approved, no mean feat? You. Who holds down a part-time job despite mental health struggles, a daughter, and an obstructive husband who sucks away money and joy like a black hole? You. Who covers for him, puts on a happy face and keeps going, despite the energy that entails? You.

Darling, you are fucking tough and you have this 'life without him' thing covered, I guarantee you.

No way on earth I could tolerate being with a man like that. Can't decide whether you're a saint or a mug, OP.

This was me almost eleven years ago. DP worked but his bank account had been 'hacked' and eventually it made sense for everything to go through my account (postgraduate student on a bursary). He told me he would pay me back but I had to keep borrowing to pay the rent). I had to keep borrowing on loans and credit cars to pay the rent for both of us, plus all bills, food etc. Eventually, it came to boiling point and I gave him an ultimatum and he admitted to a serious gambling addiction - all his wages were spent, all his savings were long gone and I was 50k in debt. It's worth noting I come from an horrific family background and was on medication that left me sleeping 18 hours a day to help with my mental health problems.

But this is where things are different: I forgave him and he promised never to gamble again and went to GA. I took over all financial things - he didn't have access to any credit, his wages were paid into my account for the next four years. If he wanted to buy tea at work he had to ask me for the money because he could not be trusted. We've been married ten years now, with three children and have just bought a house and are debt free. But my DH was remorseful for his actions and has spent every day since building up trust and earning my forgiveness. He has a good job, access to credit although I still do all the financial management. He's never gambled since as he can't believe how lucky he was to have someone be willing to forgive him. He has a great job and now financially supports me.

But it doesn't sound like your DH wants to change. So I think you need to think of yourself and your DD.