Should kids always say please

[cakethighs]

If DS (7) asks for a glass of sweet, piece of fruit, something to be passed to him, etc should he always have to say please? I'm blue in the face telling him to say please but not sure if it's something that matters that much between family. He isn't rude outside the house. Can't remember if I always say please to my DH for small everyday tasks.

I'd say tone of voice and how many things have been asked for in the last 2 mins would contribute.
"Would you mind if I have a glass of water?" Not rude without the please on the end.
"Give me water mother... please" is rude anyway!

I normally go by whether I feel they asked politely not whether they ticked the boxes for manners - please / thank you. They certainly do have a good smattering of pleases and thank yous and I am also instilling such virtues as giving up seats for others who need them more, holding doors open etc.. I'd like to think they will grow to be polite. I doubt I say please for every single request of the day but I'd consider myself well mannered.

I think it important they know manners but i dont think they need to say please after every request, you will know your sons tone if he is being rude or demanding or just asking,personally I think thank you is more important than please.

Yes politeness is better than a sarky please

I like to hear it and say it but I know what you mean, it's so very subtle sometimes when it's a bit over the top. Maybe you could do a sort of experiment and observe yourself over a few days, see when you're saying it or not.

The question is do you and others always say it without fail? I think no. But you'd be likely to always ask for something politely and receive it with gratitude, so as long as that's conveyed I think it's fine. The thing is with kids you have to teach them where that tone and line is, and until then you have to do manners drill.

I think politeness is important although (when at home, anyway) it doesn't necessarily always have to be the word 'please'. It's more about being clear that something is a polite request, rather than an order.

For example, I might say 'Can you pick up a pint of milk on the way home please?' to my DP or I might say 'Would you mind picking up a pint of milk on your way home?' or but the intent and the level of politeness is the same really. I think with family etc it's more the tone and the way you ask for something, isn't it? For instance, if my mum said 'Ooh, put the kettle on, would you love?' in her usual cheerful way I wouldn't feel she was being rude despite the lack of a please. But I'd think she was being rude if she just said 'Make me a cup of tea.'

I should add, though, that kids should always, always say thank you. As should adults.

I am a big thank youer i used to say passively aggressive YOU ARE WELCOME when mine were young

Yes he should. You need to get him into the habit or if he's used to saying

"Mum pass me that book"

at home, then does that whilst at a friend's home, he and you will both be judged.

Yep, every time. Too complicated to teach kids nuances of etiquette so I think a blanket approach is more effective! Mine do it without thinking now. But yes, this is after years of insisting till I was blue in the face. Worth it IMO.

It drives me wild when ANYBODY doesn't say please/thank you when appropriate, let alone children...

Yes in the spirit of asking politely, not necessarily saying the actual word.

However I am pretty insistent on "please may I have..." rather than "can I have...?". We have so many children visit who just say "can I have ketchup?" or "I want a biscuit?". I think they tend to forget their manners a bit when they're not with a parent so you need to ingrain it while you're with them, in the hope that it becomes automatic!

If you are reminding him til you're blue in the face at home, then I think it's quite likely that he actually isn't very good at saying it when you're not there at all.

Yes

If you are reminding him til you're blue in the face at home, then I think it's quite likely that he actually isn't very good at saying it when you're not there at all.

This.

It really gets peoples backs up when children (or adults!) don't say please and thank you so just get them doing it consistently from a young age.

Try saying no every time he forgets to say please. And stick to it. Problem will be sorted quickly.

I was thinking about this the other day.

Please in the work place can sometimes sound patronising or passive aggressive even if not meant that way. But kids saying please nicely never sounds like that.

Yes. Basic manners. And then unlikely to be forgotten elsewhere.

I think so yes. I always say please when I'm asking my dc to do something and expect the same in return.

I agree with you OP, I don't think that the idea of sticking to rigid rules of politeness matters that much among friends/close family. It's about tone of voice and expectation. It can be rude to ask somebody in an insolent way. Whereas my DH seems to be obsessed (in my mind) with politeness and everything being correct at all times. I think it's just what you're used to probably.

I also think it is how a request is phrased. However you need to lead by example. You can’t even remember if you say it, it’s so totally unimportant to you, yet you focus on your child saying it. Bit of the old “do as I say, not as I do”going on there.

If you want him to say it then you should too.

I think polite phrasing/tone of voice ought to be enough really, specially as they get older and can understand how that works. I am guilty of the "angry please" - you know the one, you hear it a lot in the Natural History Museum. "Ollie, can you pick your ball back up please and not bounce it off the exhibits?" That one. I don't think it is helping my children to learn to be polite. Passive aggressive, maybe

My ds doesn't always say please at home (I'd say 75% of the time he does) but whenever he goes out to a friends etc the adults always comment on how polite he is...so I would say just lead by example, expect it most of the time but not all of the time, an honest please or thank you is better than a forced one.
When ds used to forget I would literally say the word to drum it into him
'Mum can I have a drink'
Me 'please'
'Mum can I have a drink please'
Think he got fed up of repeating his sentences in the end

When I was young I'd get either "what's the magic word?" or "have you forgotten something?" if I didn't say please/thank you.

Yes. It's actually easier to require it every time as he will learn to do it automatically.

I'm teaching DD to say 'may I' and 'can I' instead of 'I want'. Not sure if the right thing to do but it seems politer to me.

Fortunately she is very polite and usually says 'no thank you please' and 'thank you so much' no idea where she picked it up from but she is a little obsessed with the Queen