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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no visitors yet?

26 replies

Rockandrollwithit · 27/09/2017 21:20

DS2 was born on Sept 11th. It soon became clear that there was something wrong and he was rushed by ambulance to a NICU 100 miles away for emergency surgery. DH was able to go with him straight away but I had to stay in hospital for 24 hours first as I had a c section. The surgery was thankfully life saving.

Yesterday, we finally got to take him home after over two of the most stressful weeks of my life. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted, and I know that I've been doing more than I should after a c section. We've also been finally reunited with DS1 properly after missing him like crazy.

Now we are home, everyone wants to come round and see the baby but I just don't feel up to it. I want to hug both of my children and try to come to terms with what has happened in peace and try to accept it. DS2's surgery was on his digestive system and I'm worried about feeding and weight gain and don't feel comfortable feeding him in front of others and pretending everything is fine.

My family are fine with giving us some space but DHs family are hassling us even though he has politely explained why we need some time. Both sets of grandparents visited him in NICU but haven't held him yet. I can understand that they want to see their grandchild/nephew, but they have the attitude of 'that's all done and it's fine now' even though we have explained the long term implications. I'm not ready to pretend that everything is normal yet and having visitors with gifts etc feels false after everything that has happened.

AIBU to keep saying no?

OP posts:
paq · 27/09/2017 21:23

YANBU! Shock how frightening. Hope all goes well from next on.

paq · 27/09/2017 21:23

*now

ConciseandNice · 27/09/2017 21:25

YANBU. Even without al those difficulties it can be hard feeling up to visitors and at the end of the day only you can say when you are ready. Congratulations on bringing your new baby home. Now just concentrate on recovering (emotionally and physically), enjoying your new baby and your older child and let the rest wait.

HackneyP · 27/09/2017 21:26

YANBU. Please don't be bullied and pressured into having visitors. Tell them not yet and you'll let them know when. Inconsiderate selfish people to be honest.

paia · 27/09/2017 21:26

YANBU. You've had a really tough time of it. Take the time you need to. They might not like it but they can wait until you're ready!

I had so many visitors in the early days with DC and found it quite overwhelming, even without a difficult start. I really wished for more time alone the 3 of us! If I have another DC I would stand my ground with it more.

RuggerHug · 27/09/2017 21:27

He tried politely explaining and it didn't work, now he has to tell them impolitely. You have enough on your plate.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 21:27

Just tell them straight

'We are very tired and very very traumatised after the past few weeks . We thought DS might not make it and I am having a major stress come down and recovering from surgery . Please give us space and I promise when we are more robust we will have you over '

End of . Congrats and sorry for the traumatic weeks Flowers

ZZZZ1111 · 27/09/2017 21:27

YANBU.

Take all the time you need!

Cassyoooo · 27/09/2017 21:28

Inlaws were waiting for us when we got home from hospital Angry
DH told them to sod off

AnyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2017 21:28

YANBU at all. Sorry to hear your little one had such a traumatic start and I hope things improve from now on. If your DH needs to put his foot down again and be firmer with his family, then so be it.

Glumglowworm · 27/09/2017 21:28

YANBU, you've had a traumatic few weeks, its natural to just want to be with DH and DC.

I hope your baby is doing good now and continues to improve

Original poster
Rockandrollwithit · 27/09/2017 21:30

I get really frustrated when they complain about not holding him yet. I didn't get to hold him myself for nearly a week.

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 27/09/2017 21:30

You're absolutely right. Concentrate on what you need and do what you want, visitors can wait. Get your partner to tell people to leave you in peace.

GoldenOrb · 27/09/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterymuffin · 27/09/2017 21:30

stop's message is good. Send people that. Totally see why you'd want space.

Biscusting · 27/09/2017 21:31

First of all congratulations and hope you are on the road to recovery, both physically and mentally.

YA most definitely are NBU! Please allow me to stand outside your home and smack this visitors about with a large haddock.

What's wrong with people!!? Err Me and my newborn have just had major surgery and we have all the sleepless nights, feeding and usual anxiety to get through as well as normalising everything for our other child, can we have a minute to breathe before you come play pass the baby and make well meaning but shite comments!? No? Still being insistent? FUCK OFF!!

LightDrizzle · 27/09/2017 21:33

Goodness no. You've all had an awful trauma. Anyone who really loves you will understand. You need to take care of yourself and give yourself time or it could increase your chances of developing ppd or other anxiety or post-trauma conditions.
Ask your husband not to tell you what they or anyone else is saying. He can thank everyone for their kind thoughts and tell them you (plural) will let everyone know when you are ready for visitors. Presumably it is also desirable to minimise the risk of your new baby catching infections, people can be unbelievably selfish about not disclosing their coughs and sniffles in order to get "their share" of a new baby.
I'm so glad the surgery was successful. Congratulations!

8DaysAWeek · 27/09/2017 21:40

YANBU. My birth experience was straightforward and I had lots of visitors as soon as I was home and I totally regret it. Next time will be different. In your situation I 100% understand why you feel this way. Tbh if your in laws have been briefed by your partner then it's their problem if they don't understand/accept your wishes. Put your energy into your own little family and don't worry about them right now Flowers

OnTheRise · 27/09/2017 21:57

Of course you're not being unreasonable and if your relatives can't understand that, stuff them.

You and your baby have had a terrible time and need to recuperate and get to grips with all that's happened. If anyone complains they can do one. You're good.

Terrylene · 27/09/2017 21:59

DTDs were in SCBU for 15 days (nothing wrong, just a month early and the SCBU seemed to want to hang onto them Angry)

I well remember feeling I wanted time on my own with them. My ILs turned up at 8am the next day Sad and in the end I got everyone to go out for a walk, leave me along with my babies and I lay on the bed with them both and we snoozed together for a couple of hours.

It was all fine after that and ILs played and looked after DS and made meals and cups of tea and ironed and mowed the hedges etc.

But, I REALLY needed that little bit of time to reconnect. Smile

Starlight2345 · 27/09/2017 22:03

YANBU at all

I remember my DS been under a light box and only been able to hold him to feed. As soon as he was out I wanted him all to myself...

My experience pails into insignificance to your experience.

I think blunt and tell your DH to deal with them.

Glad he is now well and home..Enjoy him and recover..

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 27/09/2017 22:06

No it's not remotely unreasonable.
Just make sure you don't end up totally withdrawn and depressed. I say this from experience. DS had GBS meningitis and I had sepsis after birth and it was the worst few weeks of my life. I wanted to stay in my own little bubble looking after him and in all honesty I did for too long.

Ameliablue · 27/09/2017 22:10

In the circumstances Yanbu.

abigailgabble · 27/09/2017 22:31

YANBU. on this occasion I would stand firm and ignore their finest sad faces. best wishes to you and your family Flowers

ministollens · 29/09/2017 11:15

You've seriously been through so much, you don't have to justify anything to anyone. Get your DH to politely and firmly tell them no, we'll let you know when WE are ready. I'm so pleased to hear your little one is finally home safe.

My baby had to have emergency surgery too at a few weeks old and in the middle of winter. The consultant told me to avoid any visitors for a couple of weeks and to say it was under his instruction! To try and get little ones immune system up following surgery before being exposed to lots of germs. Also it too was a digestive related surgery and I really needed to focus with feeding.

Ignore everyone else and enjoy time with your dc Flowers xx

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