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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dp

54 replies

Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:44

Had a baby a few weeks ago. Dp constantly tells me not to lie down with the baby in case I fall asleep. Gets really angry if I even say that I'm tired. Tells me to put the baby down. He's convinced I will fall asleep with her and potentially kill her.
I'm sick of it. I understand the worry, I do get it and the last thing I would do is put her in danger.
But this is 30 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of feeling like a shit mum over something that hasn't happened and will never happen. I feel like he doesn't trust me with her and it makes me feel worthless.
He has just gone back to work now and every text and phone call he says the same thing.
So Aibu to let it annoy me or does everyone get this from their partner??
I feel like ripping my bloody hair out after I read his texts or speak to him and I can't even ignore it because if I did he would think I had bloody fallen asleep

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/09/2017 19:45

Can you arrange for a midwife visit when he's home?

happypoobum · 27/09/2017 19:46

Turn your phone off.........So he thinks you've fallen asleep - is that some kind of crime?

If you have to, text him saying you are having a nap and mobile is going off.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2017 19:47

He texts you or tells you not to lie down with her 30 times a day?

That’s very very unusual. Have you ever done it? Does he know someone who has? There must be something causing this as it sounds like an extreme fear or phobia.

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:47

Sorry I meant to say he would think I fell asleep with the baby on me and would end up in a huge bloody panic about it.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 27/09/2017 19:48

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:48

He tells me when he is in work, when he is at home, even when we are just talking about the baby it always ends up coming up and no this is my first baby and it has never happened to anyone close.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/09/2017 19:48

Turn your phone off.........So he thinks you've fallen asleep - is that some kind of crime?

No but it’s cruel as fuck. Why would she do that?clearly this is something that’s really deep in him if he’s saying it thirty times a day.

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:49

I have tried talking to him. All he says is he says it because he cares about us both

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/09/2017 19:50

This is not normal.

Have you screamed at him to fuck the fuck off yet? Or hung up on him with a big slam of the phone? Or switched off your phone to block all these ridiculous communications?

I'm normally a fan of the calm quiet approach but I also feel that sometimes in the post natal period blowing your top can be the best approach. Don't keep it in. The first few weeks are hard enough without pretending you are OK when you are not OK.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 27/09/2017 19:50

That's very unusual, is he anxious about other things or is it just this one issue. Is there some background reason why he might be disproportionately worried about this one thing, likd childhood experience or anything?

gamerchick · 27/09/2017 19:51

Eh, this is the best bit about babies. Make a little bed for them on the big bed and lie next to them and both have a snooze.

Can you ask your midwife to have a chat about his anxieties before you thump him?

CardsforKittens · 27/09/2017 19:51

It's natural for new parents to feel anxious but odd that he's focusing all his anxiety on this one thing, and totally inappropriate that he's giving you such a hard time about it when you haven't done anything wrong. Maybe he should see his GP about his anxiety because it's totally out of proportion.

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:52

I just did the big slam of the bloody phone to him just before I started this thread. That's what prompted me to start it. Invent imagine anyone else getting all this shit

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:52

*i cant

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 27/09/2017 19:52

When I was a child I knew a lady who lost her child in this way (it was back before cosleeping guidelines etc). Does he know someone this happened to so it is causing anxiety?

I was really over the top with SIDS with my eldest, I spent hours googling stats, stories etc and I was so anxious. It just consumed me.

Dairymilkmuncher · 27/09/2017 19:53

That's an odd amount of times but my dp turns into a complete weirdo when I'm heavily pregnant and when our little ones were tiny and then goes back to normal eventually. It's never been in a way to make me feel like a bad mum though it's more about eating enough/not doing too much/unexpected treats but he couldn't do anything to help spd or breastfeed so he just felt useless and that he had to be helping nagging constantly.

Tell him that he's nagging too much and causing stress and you need to be as mentally healthy as possible at this time for the little one, hopefully that helps. Also try not saying how tired you are unless you're away to hand over baby and go for a nap it's hard though because it sounds just a tiring time and the words fall out...

Pengggwn · 27/09/2017 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:54

I know a lot of people who do lie in bed with their babies and go to sleep but I would never do it. I had a cousin when I was a young child who fell asleep with her baby. She rolled over and suffocated him by accident. This is why i would never do it myself.
My dp doesn't know this by the way and I wouldn't tell him. It would make it ten times worse

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 27/09/2017 19:54

Was your baby full term, completely healthy etc?

It does sound like he needs to seek help with this. It's completely out of proportion.

Does he recognise that it's not normal behaviour? I mean, I literally never left my youngests side when he was tiny, and we needed to watch him (severe breathing issues) but he still spent most of his first 3 months asleep on my chest or next to me on the bed.

ChicRock · 27/09/2017 19:56

He sounds a bit unwell and probably needs some help. Mentioning this 30 times a day or more, I'd say he's got severe anxiety or intrusive thought OCD.

Madbum · 27/09/2017 19:56

He sounds very controlling and obsessive, is he usually like this? Be careful OP don’t allow yourself to feel shit about something that’s his problem, you’re a good Mum.
Can you be assertive and tell him to stop? I mean absolutely firmly not in a begging upset way. Just say “STOP! enough of this. I don’t want to here it again.’
If he won’t listen, you’re too frightened to do it or he treats your worse if you argue then I think you need to reconsider this relationship, he’s affecting your mental health.

123bananas · 27/09/2017 19:56

It is not uncommon for new parents to be anxious, even men. This does seem a little extreme however, does he have anxiety issues generally? Would he consider seeing a GP?

Although I have to say I agree with him about being careful when tired, it does happen.

SilverdaleGlen · 27/09/2017 19:57

Don't scream, abuse or ignore him FFS! That's terrible advice!

I had this fear, it was PND prompted plus DHs little brother died of SIDS. As DH poo pooed my fears (and they weren't even as extreme as your DHs all that happened is I literally never slept while he held our first child. I felt too terrified he'd fall asleep (he actually did and was a smoker) but also too terrified of his mood to mention my fear.

I still feel sick at the thought of that time period now.

Your DH is struggling with this, what helped me by the time we had DD2 who I ended up coalescing with! Is facts. An understanding of the dangers and how to make things safe.

He needs help, get him to your MW/HV and get joint advice on how to manage this for both your stress levels.

Trb17 · 27/09/2017 19:57

It sounds like he’s overly anxious and this is how it’s coming out. It may be new Dad nerves or he may have more deep rooted anxiety issues that need professional help.

Either way he needs to stop.

MamaDeeGee · 27/09/2017 19:57

I would either bring it up calmly or loose your shit and tell him how you feel;
That he constantly on at you about this significant thing is making you feel a shit mum and down and if he cares about you hell cool it with the constant reminders...

I hope he stops and you dont feel too bad!