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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dp

54 replies

Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:44

Had a baby a few weeks ago. Dp constantly tells me not to lie down with the baby in case I fall asleep. Gets really angry if I even say that I'm tired. Tells me to put the baby down. He's convinced I will fall asleep with her and potentially kill her.
I'm sick of it. I understand the worry, I do get it and the last thing I would do is put her in danger.
But this is 30 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of feeling like a shit mum over something that hasn't happened and will never happen. I feel like he doesn't trust me with her and it makes me feel worthless.
He has just gone back to work now and every text and phone call he says the same thing.
So Aibu to let it annoy me or does everyone get this from their partner??
I feel like ripping my bloody hair out after I read his texts or speak to him and I can't even ignore it because if I did he would think I had bloody fallen asleep

OP posts:
Madbum · 27/09/2017 19:58

Sorry cross post with you OP.

Ttbb · 27/09/2017 19:58

Just stop engaging with it.

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 19:58

Like I said I do understand why he is saying it. I know that it can be dangerous. It's just the amount of times.
And that is what our phone conversation was about. I just snapped and told him to stop fukin telling me the same thing and then he started kicking off at me. Hence the phone being slammed down

OP posts:
SilverdaleGlen · 27/09/2017 20:00

*cosleeping not coalescing!

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 20:00

I don't want to make him out to be a bastard, so just to say he is amazing with our daughter, will do anything i ask when he is home and of course baby bloody adores him already

OP posts:
mumof06darlings · 27/09/2017 20:01

I have woken in that Hayes where I can't remember with the tiredness if I put the baby back in their crib before I fell asleep and it's a horrible feeling. I know it might be annoying and 30 times is annoying but I think he is just trying to mind ye. It can so easily happen.

GodIsDead · 27/09/2017 20:01

Oh my, it’s hard enough to have a new baby without being harassed by your DP! You need to tell him how grating and annoying it is for you to be hounded all day every day. I couldn’t imagine what that is doing to your mood.
For you OP Flowers

Foxysoxy01 · 27/09/2017 20:02

It really does sound like he has some underlying issue going on.

Do you think it's worth seeing if he is amenable to chatting with a therapist?

It's really not normal behaviour especially that he is so fixated on the one issue.

I personally would think it's anxiety manifesting itself into this one fear which can be massively debilitating for him and unbearable for you! But it might not be that at all and he is just being a dick. The only way to make it better is to chat to him and tell him how upset it is making you which in turn will be affecting your bond with baby etc etc.

You may find that it will get better with time naturally but it depends if you can/want to put up with his issues till then or if you want to get in professional outside help.

jellycat1 · 27/09/2017 20:03

Get a sleepyhead. Then the baby can sleep on the bed next to you safely. Maybe when he's got that image in his head it will replace the other images that are causing him so much angst.

claraschu · 27/09/2017 20:06

I have a friend who co slept with her daughter for 4 months, and the first night she put her daughter in a crib to sleep by herself the poor baby died of SIDS.

KH369 · 27/09/2017 20:17

i would sit him down and tell him straight to back the f* off. Tell him his constant shouting at you is making you feel the way you are and making you even more tired for the fact you can have a nap in case he texts/phones you. Set some ground rules - you will reply to texts at this time and that time and he can call in his lunch break only. Or something like that. Even if he doesnt follow he rules, you should to show your being serious and wont stand for this behaviour anymore. I get he's worried, but you will be too with it being your first, you're more than likely terrified of most things - I used to say up til 4am checking my sons breathing when he was tiny so I understand the level your husbands at but at the same time, he needs to trust you with your child and you need to make him see that his 'protection' of you both is pure and simple lack of trust.

Daydreamerbynight · 27/09/2017 20:19

There is an increased risk of SIDS in certain circumstances with co--sleeping, but what you appear to be talking about is not safe practice co-sleeping, but falling asleep with the baby on you, which does increase risk of suffocation.

Your DP is being massively unreasonable to hound you however.

Madbum · 27/09/2017 20:22

I’m sorry I would find this so hurtful! He’s basically saying he doesn’t trust you with your own baby.
That’s completely undermining you and not to mention the fucking cruel way he’s going about it, the fact he’s got the gall to kick off at you after the way he’s treating you is bloody disgusting behaviour. I’d be making it clear it either stops or he’ll find himself living elsewhere.
Don’t let him bully you over this imagined issue OP, you’ve doing nothing wrong.

RavingRoo · 27/09/2017 20:23

@claraschu - how is that little nugget helpful in anyway to OP? It’s also very misleading - co-sleeping actually does pose a slightly higher SIDs risk than baby on it’s side in a cot next to mum.

ilovegin112 · 27/09/2017 20:23

I don't think telling him to fuck off is the way to go, maybe have a word with the health visitor about it, postnatal depression can be quite serious in men as well, I presume if you had been talking about a friend who was thinking this about her baby people wouldn't be encouraging you to tell her to fuck off

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 20:25

Health visitor is coming tomorrow but dp will be here and I know he won't listen to whatever they say.

OP posts:
CherriesInTheSnow · 27/09/2017 20:31

I think you should bring it up with the health visitor, a voice of reason between you and a professional opinion may help both of you smooth things out. Simply tell her without being overly harsh that DP is very worried about me falling asleep with the baby; you are worried too so understand but you take every precaution, would never do it and it's getting hard to deal with the main focus of having a lovely newborn being something so negative.

Neither of you are really in the wrong, you are right to feel annoyed and he is clearly feeling anxious so doesn't deserve to be harshly berated by anyone but I must say this would drive me crazy. I was anxious enough around tiny newborn DD as many new mothers are and I needed my DH to be a voice of kind support and reassurance, not bloody making me feel like I was going to kill our baby...

Emus · 27/09/2017 20:50

Men can get PND too - I wonder if he has the start of it? Your HV will be very interested as they usually ask how both of you are coping (at least I would expect her to be). I'd say this is a good place to start.

Hope things improve for you both soon. Flowers

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 20:55

Thank you all for the advice xx

OP posts:
AuntLydia · 27/09/2017 20:56

Assuming he is otherwise a decent bloke, he sounds unwell. Has he suffered any mental health problems in the past?

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 27/09/2017 21:02

No mental health problems that I know of, been together for 6 years and never had a problem with anything like this before.

OP posts:
MamaDeeGee · 06/10/2017 12:42

How is he been now? Any better?
Hope your okay!

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2017 13:47

He sounds very difficult

Is he controlling in other ways too?

Original poster
Ohwell14 · 06/10/2017 14:49

Hi, thanks for checking in. I did speak to the health visitor about it when she came while dh was there. She said it was normal to be worried but that he needed to cool off a bit as I was probably having the same worries but just not saying anything about it. Which was exactly right.
He has been great since Grin
Just needed someone in authority to tell him off.
Thanks for all the advice everyone xxx

OP posts:
APMom · 06/10/2017 15:11

It is extremely dangerous to fall asleep on the sofa with a baby but on a bed following safe co-sleeping rules is fine.