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AIBU?

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Original poster

More a wwyd step child issues

33 replies

Celp28 · 27/09/2017 17:15

My 14 year old sd has asked to live with dh and I. I have no issue with this, we have a great relationship. She does not want to live with her mum anymore, their relationship has been fraught for a long time. Her mum spends a lot of time out and often sends dsd to various friends/relatives as she has a very active social life. She has recently welcomed her son back home after he broke up with his gf (he is 22). Dsd has been moved out of her bedroom and is now expected to share a bed with her mum, and is desperately unhappy about it as she feels she has no privacy. I understand the predicament, I would not want to have to chose between my children, however any efforts to rectify the situation have fallen on deaf ears. Dh has offered to pay for a sofa bed for one of them to use downstairs but his ex has just said she likes her living room furniture! We are more than happy for dsd to live with us but her mum is accusing us of 'stealing her away'. We have tried to mediate the situation between them, encouraging dsd to go home, but she lasted one night before being shipped off to a family friend as mum had a party to attend. She called dh in tears begging again to live here. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 27/09/2017 17:16

Let her move in

knowsmorethansnow · 27/09/2017 17:17

Let her move in with you.

Rainybo · 27/09/2017 17:18

Yes, just let her move in.

At the moment she probably has the impression that no one wants her.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/09/2017 17:19

Let her move in. Try to maintain some kind of regular basis visits to her mother, though...

Cheby · 27/09/2017 17:19

At 14 she's old enough to choose. Let her stay with you, get decent contact arrangements in place with her Mum, she might end up having more quality time with her that way. Can she have her own room at your place?

TalkinBoutNuthin · 27/09/2017 17:19

Of courseyou let her move in!

TurnipCake · 27/09/2017 17:20

Poor kid, if they're ringing in tears and begging to live with you more than once, then let them in with open arms

Maelstrop · 27/09/2017 17:20

There are only two bedrooms, so she has to share with mum? At 14, I'd be horrified at this. Do you have a spare room, OP? Please let her move in, she sounds like she's having a poor time of it.

WineGummyBear · 27/09/2017 17:20

Poor DSD. Horrible for her. Her mum and brother are both adults and they are cheerfully putting their needs ahead of hers.

It's good that you have a good relationship and she has a sanctuary with you. At 14 she's able to manage her own relationship with her mother so accusations of 'stealing' her are nonsense.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 27/09/2017 17:24

So she is in a horrible situation and feels her mother doesn't want her.
Then she calls her father to live there and instead he tries to make arrangements to keep her at that house instead.

She probably feels like no one wants her at all. Let her move in!

GummyGoddess · 27/09/2017 17:24

Let her move in, she has no privacy or stability at her mother's house. Not sure what to do about her mother though, is she worried that payments will stop if she is the primary carer? Or is it that she feels she should retain the children no matter what?

lizzieoak · 27/09/2017 17:27

Let her move in. It's unfortunate her mum is taking it this way, but she's made her bed and can't expect them both to lie in it.

You can't manage how her mum takes it. Her mum has created the situation, and this is the consequence.

GreenTulips · 27/09/2017 17:29

I wouldn't be impressed at losing my bedroom to an older brother - he could've rented alone

Why isn't SD given a choice of where she stays X friend or dads? That in itself rings alarm bells.

Original poster
Celp28 · 27/09/2017 17:38

Thank you for your replies, sorry I didn't say she already is living here just not officially, she does have room here. I was just concerned that maybe her mother is justified in thinking dh has 'stolen' his daughter, which obviously I think is bat shit but I like to suss out others points of view in highly emotional situations such as this. We are actively trying to keep things as amicable as possible but really I want to shout at her mother that she is a selfish a hole. And with regards to maintenance, my dh is still paying it at the moment but this situation has just arisen 3 weeks ago but the standing order went out as normal yesterday with no suggestion that he'd ask for it back, but yes my thoughts are that she wants her back more for monetary reasons. Her ds moved out at 16 as he could not live under the same roof with her apparent crazy ( I wasn't there so cannot pass judgement ) so I find it even more nuts that at 22 he is supporting this behaviour.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2017 17:41

You aren't stealing her, her own mother is driving her away. Poor kid. She must feel awful. Let her live with you and give her the stable, loving home she deserves.

blackteasplease · 27/09/2017 18:05

Let her move in definitely. It's wildly inappropriate for her to be sharing with her Mum.

The Mum should clearly have accepted the sofa bed for the use of herself or her son and let the dd keep her room.

As she won't, she's made her own bed (no pun intended).

But obviously make it as easy as you can for her to visit and spend time with Mum.

lalalalyra · 27/09/2017 18:22

Your poor SD. It would be fair enough if her mum was trying to sort it, but dismissing the sofa bed option must feel like she prefers the living room furniture to the 14yo.

Let her move in properly. Make it official with school, doctors, child benefit etc and cancel the DD (is it a CMS/CSA arrangement or private? If it's through them then speak to them and put in writing to them that SD is living with her father now).

SunSeaAndSangria · 27/09/2017 18:25

Poor kid, no where to call home. Let her come to you so she feels she belongs somewhere.

Hortonlovesahoo · 27/09/2017 18:29

OP: please let her stay. I'm guessing that she feels pushed around and has no 'home'.

I think you're doing everything right but I'd maybe get legal advice for the change of situation if it looks to be permanent

Booboobooboo84 · 27/09/2017 18:32

Let her move in. And formalise a support arrangement where the mother is paying maintenance to your dh. No court would support a situation where a young girl is unwillingly forced to stay with her mother

RavingRoo · 27/09/2017 18:33

I’m going to interject a bit of realism here - why does dsd have to have a room of her own? It’s not required and tbh it’s a bit crazy that you’re letting her leave her mum over such a petty issue. Is there more to this - does her mum abuse her? Everything you’ve mentioned is normal behaviour for the mum of a 14 yo.

If you let her move in now, you’re basically saying she doesn’t have to listen to her mum and to a 14 yo that’s attractive - she probably has never known your dh as a proper disciplining parent. Works now but what will happen when she rows with her dad? Will you then allow her mum to dictate what happens in your house as you’ve done to her?

Suggest your dh helps to facilitate between them - should talk to his dd and tell her it’s okay if she wants to leave but should try to settle things with her mum first and that he expects her to see mum regularly whether she wants to or not.

Notreallyarsed · 27/09/2017 18:36

I’m going to interject a bit of realism here - why does dsd have to have a room of her own

She doesn’t, but she had a room and got booted out of it to accommodate her adult brother, which is pretty shitty.

OP in your shoes I’d let her move in officially, if she’s unhappy at her mum’s then living with Dad is the better option.

RavingRoo · 27/09/2017 18:38

@Notreallyarsed - this would have happened had the dsd’s mum and dad been together too, hell I shared a room with my mum to accomodate my much older cousin. It’s easy as an ex to play kids against the other parent, usually doesn’t end well.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/09/2017 18:39

Why is she being shipped off to baby sitters? She's 14

PotteringAlong · 27/09/2017 18:39

She doesn't need her own room. At 14, she does need her own bed.

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