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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More a wwyd step child issues

33 replies

Celp28 · 27/09/2017 17:15

My 14 year old sd has asked to live with dh and I. I have no issue with this, we have a great relationship. She does not want to live with her mum anymore, their relationship has been fraught for a long time. Her mum spends a lot of time out and often sends dsd to various friends/relatives as she has a very active social life. She has recently welcomed her son back home after he broke up with his gf (he is 22). Dsd has been moved out of her bedroom and is now expected to share a bed with her mum, and is desperately unhappy about it as she feels she has no privacy. I understand the predicament, I would not want to have to chose between my children, however any efforts to rectify the situation have fallen on deaf ears. Dh has offered to pay for a sofa bed for one of them to use downstairs but his ex has just said she likes her living room furniture! We are more than happy for dsd to live with us but her mum is accusing us of 'stealing her away'. We have tried to mediate the situation between them, encouraging dsd to go home, but she lasted one night before being shipped off to a family friend as mum had a party to attend. She called dh in tears begging again to live here. Wwyd?

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 27/09/2017 18:40

I don't think that she should have to share with her mother after being kicked out of her room in favour of her brother (who should be able to work and find somewhere of his own barring any health issues). She's 14, probably still going through puberty and does need privacy of some sort. It's not a petty issue, if her brother had to temporarily move back in he should be on the sofa, not in his sisters room.

Pancakeflipper · 27/09/2017 18:42

When I was 14 I'd have hated to share a room with my mum indefinitely and if there was an alternative (like another parental home) I'd be wanting to try living there. Her relationship sound to be a bit tense with her mother at the moment - sharing a room probably ain't going to much fun.

If her mother isn't interested in looking at ways to accommodate her daughter like a sofa bed then I can understand why your DSD wants to move out.

13bastards · 27/09/2017 18:46

Poor girl- I would have her moved in right away.

You are in no way 'stealing her.' If this was my SD I would round there now picking her up. It's not a silly teenage row, this is asking her to sleep in her mums bed every night.

13bastards · 27/09/2017 18:47

Oh and as a stepmother, according to some posters you will always be in the wrong- no
Matter what you suggest.

Notreallyarsed · 27/09/2017 18:48

If an adult child moves back in, they can kip on the sofa/blow up mattress until they’re back on their feet. You can’t just boot a kid out of her room because her brother wants it, that’s shit.

Original poster
Celp28 · 27/09/2017 18:49

Dh has always been a disciplining parent, she has stayed with dh 2 or 3 nights a week since his separation from her mother. He has tried to encourage her to go home, stating that she should listen to her mother. Her mother sends her to babysitters as when she goes out she stays out all night and much of the next day and it's inappropriate for a 14 year old to fend for herself for an entire 36 hours. Also, it isn't just a bedroom to share, it is a bed too. I don't want to pass judgement on others but I feel it's unreasonable to expect that especially when no attempt is made to adjust her mothers lifestyle, it's very much shut up and put up which is unreasonable when she has a place with her father. That said, I'm a mother and the thought of being separated from my children kills me which is why I want to support her relationship with her mother. But I have always and will always put my children's needs before my own, not shipping them out every other night so I can have a social life or expecting them to live where they are unhappy.

OP posts:
Tatiana1986 · 27/09/2017 19:20

Hi OP, I am with other reasonable posters who say she should be allowed to live you officially. Bollocks to 'why does she need her own bedroom' and all that nonsense. Why does she has to be made to listen to her mum who clearly doesn't give two hoots about her daughter?
I've been in a similar situation with my DSS when he was 13; sour relationship with his mother so wanted to stay with his dad and me. My husband had no objections although ensured the boy keeps in touch with his mother. He is now back living with her.
It's about reassurance that they are loved and wanted, not about which parent trumps another.
Hope you get it resolved amicably Flowers

knowsmorethansnow · 27/09/2017 20:24

Your DH hasn't stolen her, her mother has forced her away. He should also stop paying if she is with you.

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