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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with a friend that dislikes your child?

48 replies

Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:25

My DD and her DD became friends at nursery and subsequently we became very good friends because of this. Her DD is an only child that struggled to make friends and was taken under the wing by my DD. My DD has helped her over the years with her anxiety, particularly at parties etc.

I got the feeling that over the past year my friends feelings towards my DD has changed. She would often make digs at my DD and make out like it was a joke.

The girls have just started reception and my DD is having trouble her friend being unkind to her I.e hitting her, excluded her from games etc. On the first day of term, after a 6 week break from each other in the summer, my friend made a big thing about her DD meeting up with my DD and going in together and meeting up at the school gates prior to going into class as her DD cries every morning.

I gently approached the hitting issue with my friend and was shocked and surprised to learn that when the girls were at nursery, my friend had made a complaint to the nursery about my DD. She said my DD was nasty to her DD and it was not a healthy relationship. She asked to change her DD's nursery days and did so, lying to and telling me it was because of work.

I approached The nursery and asked them what the issue was with my DD and why was I never informed of her behaviour to which they replied saying they had no issue with my DD and in their opinion it would be in my DD's best interests to find a new friend. I threw approached the school to check that they hadn't noticed anything going on and again they said that there was no issue with my DD's behaviour. I then tried to speak to my friend to find out exactly what her problem is with my DD and she completely went off on one and stormed off saying that my DD is not healthy for her DD.

I've been into school today to find that my "friend" has been to see the headteacher and requested that my DD be kept away from my DD.

I'm so confused as to why my friend encouraged her DD to meet up with my DD at the start of school and effectively make her dependant on my DD when she clearly has such a strong dislike for my DD Sad

The friendship is over between me and her as far as I'm concerned as she's lied to me and the way in which she has treated my DD is not on at all in my opinion but how do I deal with this from now? I haven't slept in days for thinking about it trying to make sense of it. WWYD?

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 27/09/2017 13:35

You say your daughter took her daughter under her wing. Maybe she sees it as your daughter effectively taking over and "ruling" her DD and not letting her Dd do what she wants to do.

Possibly after the break away over the 6 weeks she felt that her DD had had a chance to become more assertive and suggested going in together as a nice thing to do with someone they both already knew.

Maybe she then realised that her Dd was not able to make separate friendships if she felt your DD took the lead/limelight (possibly was a bit controlling or bossy towards her DD and her DD let her).

She might just have been looking for some independence for her DD away from your DD if this was how she felt.

I am in no way saying your DD did anything wrong if this was the situation but her DD might just have felt overwhelmed by yours and your friend didn't want to upset the apple cart by bringing it up direct.

Original poster
Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:39

Quite the opposite actually. The nursery pulled me over to one side on the last day and said that they were concerned my DD would be overlooked at school because her friend often did the talking for her and she was often "left behind". My DD isn't the assertive type, she's been described as shy so I can't think why my friend would think that

OP posts:
2014newme · 27/09/2017 13:40

They are 4! Relax! Let her make her own friends

plantsitter · 27/09/2017 13:42

To be honest, anything could've been happening between them and you wouldn't know and neither would the teachers. They are not party to every conversation and kids are pretty good at saying something mean while appearing to be playing nicely.

You will never know and I suggest you leave it and, yes, accept that your friendship with the mum is over if she can't be honest with you. Particularly if she then explodes. Too stressful.

Original poster
Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:42

I'm not bothered about my DD making new friends, she has already started to do so. My thread is about my friends apparent dislike for my DD

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 27/09/2017 13:43

Obviously something very strange going on with your friend and her child, suggest you back right off and tell your daughter to do the same.

elevenclips · 27/09/2017 13:46

How to deal? Well you tried being honest and straightforward but your friend is a liar. I'd ignore her. And ignore the HT thing. You win either way there - if they separate the girls, the other one can't be mean to yours. Plus she's outed herself to the HT as unhinged.

StormTreader · 27/09/2017 13:50

Has your daughter maybe started getting more confident about not just letting her "speak for her" all the time? If the other girl is used to being in charge then maybe shes not pleased at losing some of that.

Fia256 · 27/09/2017 13:54

I’d ignore her and her silly games from here on out!

I’d also count yourself lucky that this has all come to light now. I know of parents who are like this at my children’s school. Whenever their DC has had a falling out with another child, the parent gets involved and causes issues with their parents, meanwhile the kids have got over it and sorted it all out.

You don’t need people like her in your life. The sad thing is the longer she carries on like she is, it’s going to start rubbing off on her daughter, who in turn will end up disliked. My son has a friend who’s mum is like this, she’s caused no ends of problems with many of the boys mums in their friendship group down to only hearing her sons version of events and what she wants to believe 🙄

Your much better off away from her

RatRolyPoly · 27/09/2017 13:57

Does it matter if she doesn't like your dd of the friendship's over?

Sounds confusing and stressful by the way :(

Madbum · 27/09/2017 13:57

Your friend is a spiteful bitch, be thankful she’s removed herself from yours and DDs life. You’ve had a lucky escape, pretend the woman doesn’t exist if you see her. Any further problems bypass spiteful bitch and speak to their teachers.

Original poster
Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:57

I'm not sure storm. They had a play date together just before starting school and I saw her DD kick my DD in the face. Usually my DD would forget about in seconds but this time she went off to play on her own, so maybe you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:59

rat no you're right but it feels like she's got some sort of vendetta against my DD and will try and find any reason against her to be at the school complaining to other mums and the HT

OP posts:
coffeekittens · 27/09/2017 13:59

It sounds as if there's something going on with the other girls mum. Just let it be. They're separated now so your DD won't get hurt and the other mum won't have anything to complain about, you're well rid.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2017 14:02

Your 'friend' sounds nuts. Avoid. Give yourself time to adjust to this new knowledge about her - it's pretty shocking to realise she isn't who you thought she was and has in fact been behaving in an irrational way.

Your DD will be fine and it sounds a good idea for her to get some distance from the other girl.

Original poster
Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 14:06

atrocious I think you've hit the nail on the head there actually in that I keep playing over in my mind all the times we've been together and the little digs she's made and it makes sense now, it's a real shock to find out she wasn't who I thought she was

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 14:07

They had a play date together just before starting school and I saw her DD kick my DD in the face

Did you say anything then? Because you need to learn to and be assertive with that behaviour. I had it on a day out with good friends. I watched their DC deliberately be mean to my DC and then run back and tell Mummy that mine had been mean to them. They were less than impressed when I interjected I'd sat and watched the whole thing and that wasn't what had happened at all. I found out since that two parents had asked that their child be moved from the same class as X but X's mum is still under the impression everyone is just being mean to X. Confused

Try not to be too upset OP. It might be best the friendship fizzles out if it's going to be like this for the next ten years.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 14:10

has been to see the headteacher and requested that my DD be kept away from my DD.

And she got past the form teacher, pastoral care, the receptionist and the PA and was actaully allowed to book an appt over such a trivial matter? I am so glad primary days are behind me.

But your OP is contradictory - you've said your friendship is over, so who cares what your ex-friend thinks of your DD? Don't give it head space. You don't have to deal with her, a nod is all that is required if you see her.

freida20 · 27/09/2017 14:10

your friend has asked her dd be kept away from yours - tbh this sounds like an ideal solution for your dd. and the school probably rolled their eyes over this mum going in to demand it, esp if they can see how lovely your dd really is. schools dont tend to be stupid and probably have a lot more issues to deal with other than the perceived issue here. obvs if a parent comes in they will keep an eye on the 2 of them but this too will be advantageous for your dd as if anything going on will help her.
Fingers crossed as she goes through the school year it will resolve / she will make new friends. My son is still on friendly terms with the children he was best friends with in reception with but they are not friends he spends time with or would consider his BF
good luck

StarUtopia · 27/09/2017 14:11

Ooh. Just stay out of it! If you like this lady, great. Be friends. If you don't, you don't need to worry.

Kids are actual people! They're allowed to make/decide their own friends. It could well be that your daughter isn't a great influence.

You don't need to make it so personal though.

I'm actually going through this at the minute....little girl who took my DD under her wing when they both started nursery last year. Problem is, this child is an only child, pretty sure she has some kind of special needs which shows itself in very rude and unkind behaviour (but I don't think she is intentional about this) and my daughter now actively dislikes her.

I still chat to her parents and we have a little giggle over how the girls have moved on and how many other friends they have. Meh.

The problem here isn't your child or her child. It's your very unhealthy approach to it. Why on earth did you go into nursery asking? They were very unprofessional to have even entered into discussion with you. Ditto re going into school.

Keep out of it!

Steeley113 · 27/09/2017 14:11

Honestly, they're only little! Kids fall out one minute and are best friends the next. Just leave them be! Mums getting involved in this sort of thing is just silly. A seasoned Mum friend of mine said to me 'there's no point falling out over kids, they don't hold grudges like we do' and it is so true. You BOTH need to stop being so over invested in school friendships.

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 14:12

OP. If it's any consolation. I'm not saying this is bullying. They're 4. But I am just pointing out as an example. The bullying that my DC got. Was her bully threatening to beat the shit out of my DD and bury her on a camp they were on, and no one would hear her because the staff didnt believe her anyway. That was one of the good days she had Sad

Imagine my complete and utter shock when I was told through the grapevine that bullies mum had been into the HT about MY DD picking on her DC! Shock

Point is. You can not reason with these kind of parents and you'd be a fool to even try. Let it fizzle out and as a pp said both you and tour dd back off for your own sakes. Encourage your DD to play with others. It's a pain I know. DS still plays with the kid that once put him in a headlock and really hurt him. Kids innit?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/09/2017 14:17

It's probably 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other and both of you obviously think the other child is at fault.
I echo what a pp said that parents/teachers will only know what children choose to tell them and kids can be quite sly with what goes on when adults aren't around and then lie about it. If the other child is as awful as you think then surely you would be glad that your ex friend has asked the children be kept apart?

yorkshireyummymummy · 27/09/2017 14:17

I had a similar tale with my DD.
My advice to you would be to ignore this ' friend' and accept that whatever friendship there was between you has now gone. I would also be wary from now on of making friends with school gate mothers. I ignore all Facebook friends requests and decline arrangements for coffee etc. Just because your kids go to school together does not mean you will like each other and, as kids will be kids, as soon as your DD falls out with child X Y or Z then your relationship with her mother alters as your children are at variance. It's best to stay clear of that whole back stabbing, bitching arena as far as I am concerned.
Don't fret over this. Just accept that she wasn't a good friend to you and that her and her daughter are users. I think it's very telling that nursery said your daughter would benefit from being away from her ' friend'. That speaks volumes.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 14:19

Lets put a sensible hat on for a mo.

If there was a problem with your child, eithe child, the parents would be called in and told about the problem. You havent been called in, ergo, no problem. I can tell you, your ex-friend will be that parent that all the staff talk about.