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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you deal with a friend that dislikes your child?

48 replies

Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 13:25

My DD and her DD became friends at nursery and subsequently we became very good friends because of this. Her DD is an only child that struggled to make friends and was taken under the wing by my DD. My DD has helped her over the years with her anxiety, particularly at parties etc.

I got the feeling that over the past year my friends feelings towards my DD has changed. She would often make digs at my DD and make out like it was a joke.

The girls have just started reception and my DD is having trouble her friend being unkind to her I.e hitting her, excluded her from games etc. On the first day of term, after a 6 week break from each other in the summer, my friend made a big thing about her DD meeting up with my DD and going in together and meeting up at the school gates prior to going into class as her DD cries every morning.

I gently approached the hitting issue with my friend and was shocked and surprised to learn that when the girls were at nursery, my friend had made a complaint to the nursery about my DD. She said my DD was nasty to her DD and it was not a healthy relationship. She asked to change her DD's nursery days and did so, lying to and telling me it was because of work.

I approached The nursery and asked them what the issue was with my DD and why was I never informed of her behaviour to which they replied saying they had no issue with my DD and in their opinion it would be in my DD's best interests to find a new friend. I threw approached the school to check that they hadn't noticed anything going on and again they said that there was no issue with my DD's behaviour. I then tried to speak to my friend to find out exactly what her problem is with my DD and she completely went off on one and stormed off saying that my DD is not healthy for her DD.

I've been into school today to find that my "friend" has been to see the headteacher and requested that my DD be kept away from my DD.

I'm so confused as to why my friend encouraged her DD to meet up with my DD at the start of school and effectively make her dependant on my DD when she clearly has such a strong dislike for my DD

The friendship is over between me and her as far as I'm concerned as she's lied to me and the way in which she has treated my DD is not on at all in my opinion but how do I deal with this from now? I haven't slept in days for thinking about it trying to make sense of it. WWYD?

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 27/09/2017 14:19

Some kids bring out the worst in each other and you've no idea what her DD has been telling her about yours. For whatever reason, they obviously don't get on and it does sound like it's in both their best interests to be apart.

You don't have to do anything else now. The friendships (yours and theirs) are over and that's the end of it. I don't think you need to worry about vendettas or anything like that.

I think every parent wants to believe that their child is never at fault, never bullies, never upsets another child or whatever, but all children do these things occasionally and teachers aren't always wise to it. It certainly doesn't sound like your DD is some kind of monster but I doubt the other little girl is either. Some kids have friendships that just become a bit toxic, not really through any one child's fault, but when they're that little they don't deal with arguments or conflict very well and aren't always smart enough just to walk away from friendships that are full of disagreements so things can get a bit nasty.

Notreallyarsed · 27/09/2017 14:21

I’d be keeping someone with that level of venom towards a 4 yo well away from me and my kids. She sounds awful!

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 14:24

Even with everything DD went through, I still agree with steely.

OP. In a workplace with grown adults. There'll be some people you dont like and some people who don't like you. It's just a personality clash. It's the same in nurseries and schools. I think you should back off and leave the nursery to carry on dealing with it effectively as it seems they are (with the separating - I very much doubt this was done just on your friends say so).

Leave the kids to sort themselves out, it's part of growing up, and trust the nursery to keep dealing with it.

If you and your friends are going to be going in over every single fallout you're going to be seeing an awful lot of the HT in the school years.

MrsClegane · 27/09/2017 14:27

Ignore her... a simple "hi" as you pass and that will do. She seems to have made it clear she doesnt want to be friends with you and your dd.

your dd will make new friends, she may also play with the other child you mention... there is no way to micromanage their lives while at school... they need to learn to decide who to make friends with themselves.

My dd had one friend who one day would be her best friend, the next day she was locking her in toilets, or hitting her.... then again best friends. its what 4 yr olds do. it sent me batty that she kept playing with her.... but in the end just left her to it and theyve now drifted apart and into new friendships which is so much simpler. lol

MrsJayy · 27/09/2017 14:27

She doesn't dislike your Dd as such but can't see past her own dd so is looking for excuses for behaviour which is a real shame you can't sort out kid squabbles but tbh it sounds like you have had a lucky escape and you can steer clear from now on.

Mamabear4180 · 27/09/2017 14:38

I can't understand your post op. 'Your DD helped her over the years' but they're just 4 now? I can't read the post so it makes sense exactly. You said her DD was shy and now it's the other way round? I'm a bit confused

Anymajordude · 27/09/2017 14:39

Take a step back. Disengage from the mum but stay polite. Gently encourage other friendships by allowing play dates with other children or clubs/Rainbows. Relax. If you get so involved with your dd's relationships it will drive you mad. Kids can be fickle and relationships chop and change all the time.

dietcokeandwine · 27/09/2017 14:42

How do you deal with it?

You take a step right back from the mum (she's either got issues of her own or is going to be One Of Those Parents) and let your lovely DD take a step back from the other child.

Smile and say hi when you see them but do not otherwise engage.

Let both girls develop new friendships in Reception, and you'll probably find you make some nice new friends too.

People like the woman you describe are not worth getting upset about.

Branleuse · 27/09/2017 14:53

avoid the woman. Shes crazy

MehMehAndMeh · 27/09/2017 14:56

You've had a lucky escape. Your ex friend is heading towards being one to those parents. The ones who won't believe their little angel can do any wrong and any trouble including physical must be someone elses fault. Let your daughter move on and be happy with other friends whilst this one has run in after run in with the school and other parents because she just won't see that sometimes the problem will be her child.

RavingRoo · 27/09/2017 14:57

It sounds like the nursery has complained to the mum about her daughter’s violent behaviour and she’s blaming your daughter for it. It will probably come out in her new class too - a child who kicks another child in the face at 4 (nearly 5) almost always has issues at home.

Original poster

Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 15:52

Sorry mama it's hard not to try to waffle on in these posts because it can get abit boring to the reader.

Theyve been together since they were 2, her DD is very confident around adults but has social issues with children. My DD was always very confident with children from me taking her to playgroups since birth so my when my DD started she would always go and play with her and try and involve her with games. As they grew up her DD got worse especially at parties etc and it's really bad now she's started school will literally scream every morning. My DD is always the one to hold her hand, run her back and comfort her in the mornings and try to get her to join in games. The shyness from my DD comes from adults, they explained that whenever it came to a classroom setting when they were trying to grade her in the EYFS they struggled to grade her because every time she was asked a question this girl would talk over her or push past her to be at the front. I guess over the years is an exaggeration as they've been friends for about 2 years.

OP posts:

KeepServingTheDrinks · 27/09/2017 15:59

well, the friend's DD can struggle in on her own from now on, eh!

Knittedfairy · 27/09/2017 16:27

Don't give this woman any more room in your head: she will be the parent who is the staff room 'guess what?' parent. Teachers have seen it all before.. You can't apply logic to this situation anyway, so stop trying. Be assured that if your daughter had any issues in nursery or school you would have been told. Just enjoy your daughter, relax and watch her make new friends.
Another one who thinks you've dodged a bullet OP.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/09/2017 17:22

If it's true that your dd takes her by the hand, comforts her when she's sad etc all the time and the other girl struggles with friendships then there's no way the mum would be doing anything but trying to keep the girls together. There has been stuff gone on that you aren't aware of op - I'd bet my house on it. She probably thinks her dd is as innocent in it all as you do and probably has a different take on the relationship dynamic to you.

Mamabear4180 · 27/09/2017 17:37

Thanks for clarifying op

It sounds like your DD's friend's mum is the overbearing, over protective type. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong so I'd avoid her like the plague.

Original poster

Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 17:39

corbyns I'm really not sure which is what is doing my head in.

When we were applying for schools she actually said to me that she was thinking of sending her DD to a different school to "shake her up abit and force her to make new friends" She didn't in the end but I'm baffled as to what is the problem with my DD

OP posts:

headinhands · 27/09/2017 17:48

Gah. Being friends with the mum's of your children's same aged friends is a pain in the arse.

Make some friends with people who have more in common that just the length of time since you had a baby.

mcpound · 27/09/2017 17:54

'Her DD is an only child that struggled to make friends and was taken under the wing by my DD'

Why is the fact she's an only child relevent?

Original poster

Pizzahutpasta · 27/09/2017 18:11

head she's not my only friend - I never said she was.

mcpound relevant because previously that's what my friend blamed her finding it hard to socialise with other children as she was an only child and constantly surrounded by adults

OP posts:

CruCru · 27/09/2017 19:54

This is an interesting thread. The problem is, when stuff like this goes on it can make your blood boil. I remember a mum deciding that my (two year old) son was a bad influence on her (two year old) daughter and got her nanny to text me to say that she didn't want them to mix any more as she didn't like her behaviour after they'd seen each other.

You will be tempted to confront her but don't. She'll never decide that she is the one in the wrong, no matter what happens.

If you do speak about it, say something like "Oh, I think it's better that the girls have some space from each other. I'm sure it will do them good". Say this to her and to other people - don't be tempted to involve others. They will find out for themselves what the child (and her mother) is like.

Be vague and airy about it. Invite lots of other children round. If the mother does say that she wants them to be friends again, say that you think it's better that they spend some time apart.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 27/09/2017 20:08

Fuck her off.

Honestly, I mean the kids are only little so all of their little issues aside this woman isn't a good friend and is a tiny bit mental. I'd just cut her out and if she asks tell her why.

emmyrose2000 · 28/09/2017 08:51

If anyone acted this way (that the other mum is) towards my child, I'd cut them dead so fast they wouldn't have time to blink. Protect your child and keep her away from this crazy woman.

The kids may end up playing together at school at times, but I would in no way encourage this friendship any further outside of school.

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