To take my son out of school for a mental health day?

[JennyLane]

My son has only just turned four and started school in September. He is doing great and has been coping better than I expected, however he has had at least two incidents of violence against him from another child. This child also attacked him several times at preschool and caused him a lot of anxiety. He went from loving school to not wanting to attend.

School have been extremely proactive and supportive of him and are working with the other child and specialist assessments etc are going on there. I don't feel they could have done more than they have done (don't want to go into too many details because not my kid). But my little guy is once again anxious and feeling rather down in the dumps.

I was thinking of keeping him off school tomorrow and taking him out for the day so we can talk and spend some quality time together and build his confidence and self esteem up again. As he's not yet of compulsory school age I don't think I would be doing anything "illegal" but I'm not sure. I wouldn't ask him to lie about it so would be upfront with the school about it.

Can't you spend quality time with him on a Saturday or Sunday? I personal would not as you are sending the message that he does not always have to go to school? Do school think he is particularly anxious? Is he really anxious or is the your issue? I ask because you said you are surprised at how well he is doing yet you still want to keep him off school for a day.

@Maryz that's a very good point, I hadn't considered that.

It's so early on in the term, they're all adjusting and getting in to a routine.

Why not just spend the day with him on the weekend?

I don’t think keeping him away from school is really going to help build his confidence with a School based issue though is it? It’s more likely to make him think when something happens running away and hiding is ok.

More important is to make sure he staff know he is struggling so they can help make sure he feels safe and secure in school.

@Changerofname987654321 he has been anxious at home and become withdrawn at school since it started again. At the start of term he skipped in merrily and since the first incident its tears in the morning, tears at bedtime and drawing crosses in chalk all around the garden and saying they'll keep the other child away.
Normally he is a very happy go lucky chap. My surprise at how well he's doing it actually about how much he's learned!! I've been trying to teach him some of this stuff for months with no luck, now he spouts it out as if he's known it forever!

I wouldn't. He's going to struggle even more to go in on Friday. Plus, how will you explain to him that he's not going to school?

Have you asked the teachers how he is in school? Lots of new Reception children will be having wobbles about going in at this stage (even without the incidents you describe) but are perfectly fine once at school.

@Sirzy yes I can see how it might come across like that to him, I hadn't thought of it like that.
School are being incredible

@RedSkyAtNight they have said he keeps saying he has no friends and they remind him who his friends are.
I think whenever he has a run in with the other child it knocks his confidence and he thinks no one likes him.
they also say he's been very quiet which is unlike him

Starting school is really hard and he is probably exhausted. Make sure you feed back to the teacher or TA about how he is feeling each day. Can you think about something he might like to do or buy after school? Then plan something great for the weekend. Also ask the staff if there is something he can do if he's stressed. Also maybe take in books to do with whatever topic they are doing so he feels a bit more connected.

Op I don't have much advice but I admire you for being so understanding about the other child and also so discreet, despite what you're ds is going through. Hope he feels better soon! If you're going to do it maybe just pick him up at dinner on a Friday afternoon. Reception don't do much and you could do something nice for an afternoon whilst museums, swimming etc are quiet.

@Threenme aw thank you. At the end of the day I believe every child has the right to be educated and treated fairly. It's not the child's fault they have these issues. But additional support or alternative providers don't happen overnight and I know school are doing absolutely everything they can to get a good outcome for everyone. And they're being really supportive of my little guy. The head keeps popping in to have a chat with him and see how he's doing and all the staff are reassuring him as much as they can.

I really hope when it's all sorted he can go back to loving school again

I wouldn't either. It reinforcesthe idea that you think things are so bad he should be taken out of school instead of being supported regarding what to do if other kids are bullying him. This sets a precedent that if something like this happens he gets time off. School sounds on top of it so I would reinforce exactly what to do and who to tell if anything else happens. It's an awful situation for a parent but he needs to know you will help him and school will help him here.

Thanks for the advice folks. I hadn't considered that it would make him think he could make an unhealthy association with the day off so he shall be going in ❤️

I would. Dont tell him its because of that though.

Do something nice after school? A chance to chat together and for him to say how he's feeling? Something for him to look forward to.

Oh that's hard and also agree its so nice to hear you being understanding of the other little boy. I've been on both sides of the coin as a parent, with the anxious DC scared of a more aggressive child and now I am the parent of the aggressive boy.

If there's an anxiety developing I think it's important to not to take him out as it can become more of a big deal having to go back in after a longer, albeit very lovely, break and the reluctance. I found it very hard to fight that instinct so do understand.

I would say a lot of bigging up your little boy. Do you explain to your child that the other boy is experiencing problems? I used to tell my anxious son that some children have a hard time learning how to behave in a friendly way and great it was that he learned friendly behaviour so easily and how proud you are that he is the way he is.

Also, lots of cuddle time at home so he's getting the positive feelings that touch brings (I'm sure you do this anyway!).

Does he have play dates with other children? These don't always immediately translate to playground friendships but can take away the feeling of isolation and reassure DC that other children do want to play with them. Maybe ask if she can make any suggestions.

Thank goodness your school is pro-active.

I think you are making the right decision. I also had some issues with school when I was a child (nothing as serious as being attacked, but some bullying and feeling unsupported and I just hated it). My mum always kept me home whenever I was struggling or said I didn't want to go. It eventually created a really negative pattern. Frankly, as an adult I can see much more that it was about her own issues than it was about me. She felt guilty and couldn't cope, so it made her feel better to do whatever I wanted and make me happy, even if in the long term it had negative repercussions for me. It started off a day here and there, but eventually it was weeks and even months at a time that she would keep me home. It wasn't good and caused me all sorts of problems even though I was bright and did well in school. I just about slid by and graduated in the end. Even though I did well, got into a good uni, etc. it would have so much easier if she just made me go to school. I think if he is truly unwell, keep him home, but if the school are supportive and he is otherwise doing okay, you're doing the best thing keeping him in.

YANBU

This is something that happens at the school where I work quite often. Mental health can be given as a reason for illness with just as much validity as physical health can. I think it's an important mind set to adjust. A cold isn't serious and doesn't mean we are seriously ill but it does mean our physical health is poor so we need a break. Similarly, feeling stressed, exhausted or anxious doesn't mean we are mentally ill but it does mean our mental health is poor so we need a break. No difference in my mind (with children that is - I think adults need to keep going in all minor scenarios).

But then I work in a private school so the parents don't get fined!

@paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking we've had lots and lots of talks about it and how he can keep himself safe should he need to. He uses his "kind words" and we've also made sure he knows that although he doesn't have to be friends with the other child, he does have to end kind and polite. He knows who to talk to if there's an issue and now school know it's affecting him at home they're checking in with him and reassuring him too.
The problem is I have two younger children so after school one on one is impossible and weekends are only possible for a one on one if someone can watch the younger two.
We do have half hour bedtime stories and chat etc at night but it's difficult any other time

Not unreasonable of you at all, you are just looking out for your kid and trying to do what you think is best for him, but if the ocher kid has already assaulted yours twice since starting school less than a month ago, and has previous form for assaulting him at pre school, I'd be focussing my efforts on pressuring the school to exclude the violent little shit.

Why should your child's education be adversely affected because he's too scared to go in?

The violent kid is the problem, he needs to go. No more violent kid at school - no more anxiety on your son's part about going to school.

The needs of the guilty should not be prioritised over the needs of the innocent.

Just to add a quick caveat to the above - you obviously know more about the situation than I do and are being far more sympathetic than I am, and there appears to be an inference that this other kid may have some type of additional needs (ASD or similar?) so it might not be as straight forward as him just being a violent little shit. If that is the case, then both he and his parents are very lucky that you and your family are being so tolerant and understanding. You obviously know more about the situation than I do....

@TheVoiceOfTreason yes you're right in that there's lots going on (and your first reaction is understandable!) but there are processes. School are doing what they can as safely and effectively as they can with lots of communication too. They've been amazing.